I thought hard about whether or not post everything I have inside but that's why I came here, I guess. So like I said in the welcome thread, I'm from Latvia. I don't know if you guys have heard about the tragedy that happened in my country last year. A large supermarket collapsed, killing 54 people and my husband was one of them. Well, actually same sex marriage is not legal in Latvia, but we always called each other husbands anyway. Now one year is past and I still haven't gotten over his death. He was the most important person in my life and all the time I live with a sense of guilt. I feel like I've killed him, because that evening I called him and asked him to catch some grocery when he comes home from job. If I hadn't done it, he wouldn't have gone into the store, he never really liked doing shopping. My life has changed completely. I even got myself a new cellphone and I keep the old one at home because I'm afraid to accidentally lose it or something, as it contains his last call and his last text message that he sent me just a few minutes before collapse. Him and me, we were living right next to the supermarket. Of course, all the rubble is gone and everything is cleaned by now but I think you can imagine how I feel every time I look at the area through the window. Guys, I'm not asking you to pity me, that's not why I told you all this. I know that life goes on and there's nothing I can do to turn the time back. However, I'm feeling quite depressed even after a year. What I want to ask is - have you ever lost someone you loved? How did you cope with it?
I've lost a few people, one of which was killed right around the corner from my house. I am sorry for what you've been through, please know that it wasn't your fault! I still to this day feel I am partially to blame for my relatives' death and I do miss them terribly but I know that there's nothing I can do now. I know they wouldn't want me to suffer and let it dictate my life, they would want me to move on and be happy. I'm sure your husband would feel the same. (*hug*)
Hi Allegheny, welcome to EC! It's natural to feel survivor's guilt, of course it isn't rational; deep down you probably know this, there was no way you could you know that the roof would collapse. In most investigations of tragedies, like the Three-Mile Island nuclear accident, or bridge collapses, it is a series of little events that, happening together or in sequence, cause it. You are in mourning, the loss of your husband must still hurt so much, especially on this anniversary; it must seem so absurd for someone to die so meaninglessly. I offer my deepest condolences and perhaps also the thought that you could be a little less sad if you can come to terms with an understanding that all the souls that mean something to you are truly a gift, like the gift of a beautiful sunset, not yours to possess, but to appreciate, not yours to lose, but to be thankful for. May you find peace, brother, and the strength to love again!
Hi there, Allegheny. First, I'm sorry about your loss. I also lost my partner about a year ago. The last time I saw him, he was going to make the thing that killed him : Jogging. If I close my eyes, I still have the picture of him in front of me. I know about those feelings, but there is no way you could have known what was going to happen next. When you care about someone, you want to protect that someone, and if something unavoidable happens, you are going to feel guilty anyways, because you felt responsible for him. To me it felt awful to confront the parents... I don't know how to cope with those feelings, because I still have them from time to time, you know... All I can tell you is that those feelings are wrong. Well, I have the same phone and from time to time I read (again) his last message... It comforts me in a strange way because everytime I read it, it feels as if he just sent it, as if he was still there, somewhere, you know... I lived on the place we shared for a short time, but still we had a million memories there because I used to visit him more than he visited me (his place was also way cooler than my cave). I went back to that house right after the funeral. For a long time I slept on the livingroom's sofa, terrified of hearing or seeing things that were not real. Fortunately it didn't happened, and after a few months I was able to sleep on the bed we shared again, and then a few months later I managed to sleep with the lights off. Take this advice from me : Get out of that place as soon as you can. Every minute you spend there is a minute more of useless suffering you are inflicting on yourself. If I could, I wouldn't have spent a second living there. I have no idea why I did that to myself, perhaps because I felt ashamed of crying and looking vulnerable in front of so many people and wanted to punish myself. Now I'm living somewhere else, and my mood has improved dramatically. It's not like I'm (!) all the time, but I don't have anymore the feeling I'm living inside a coffin, next to him, about to be buried alive. From what I've heard, feeling depressed a year after a husband's death is normal. In my experience the pain doesn't change : Everytime it comes back, it strikes you with the same force and intensity. You can't quantify it, you know, but you just feel it is what it is... As if the grief had its own name, as if it was someone knocking at your door, and you know "who" it is : A pain with a name... It's the only way I can describe it... Specially with a sudden death, the first that comes is the shock. I don't know about your situation, but you need to have (and keep) at least an open window in your life, so you need to get back to work as soon as possible. I have no idea how long it will take until I pick up the pieces of... whatever name you give it, you know... I wish I knew... I asked someone who had been in the same situation, and she said about 3-4 years. Another person said you are over the worst after 6 months. All I know is that I don't want (and can't) carry on in the sense of just pretending this hasn't changed me, because it has. Feel free to hit my wall if you need anything, or just want to talk about it. (*hug*)
hey Allegheny I haven't been through what you have been through but I welcome you to EC and hope you have some comfort and support here and I also wonder if you are getting grief counselling for this?? (*hug*)
I remember seeing this on the news in my country. I can't even imagine what you're going through, or what anyone who posted similar stories here on the thread is going through. It will take a long time for these deep wounds to begin to heal. I will say one thing though: of course it wasn't your fault. This was a tragedy completely out of your control. If you and your husband's places were reversed, I know you wouldn't expect him to feel guilty. You weren't responsible for his death. You have, not my pity, but my thoughts during this awful time.
Thank you guys for your answers. I know that technically it wasn't my fault, however I feel guilty for sending him to the store. That day he didn't want to go shopping, he said he has been working a lot and feeling tired and just wanted to get home as soon as possible. But I was like "no, get me some grocery for breakfast tomorrow". And so he did go into the shop when coming home from job. I just miss him so much. No, but I've joined the community that has been created by all the people who have lost someone in this accident. I'm receiving some comfort from people who are actually total strangers to me. What also grinds my gears, is that no one is guilty and no one has been punished. A year is past and they still haven't found the reason why the building collapsed. I'm really starting to hate this country I live in.
