Hello peeps :icon_bigg Sooo that title is a bit heavy lol and I'm not entirely sure where to post this. I am posting this because I'd like some advice because I'm not sure how to handle this situation. My girlfriend and I have been together for a few months now and she keeps going on about sex... now this is a good thing but I mean she keeps going on about my past relationship. I have had sex with a guy before even though I identify as gay but she hasn't had sex with a guy or a girl before and she is bi. She gets so mad at me for what I did before I met her and that I gave in to the pressure of society (I did love the guy very much but I only agreed because I thought it was what was expected of me and I was pretty young so I was really stupid and impressionable... he said I'd I didn't do it I "didn't love" him so I caved Also: I thought maybe it would make me be not gay but if anything it made me more gay :bang. She keeps saying thathat she said no even though she had so many opportunities and then she says that she saved herself all for nothing because she won't get to have sex and I'm just sitting there like some kind of asshole while she goes on about how badly she wants to have sex. I can't take back what I did and I understand how she feels about the things I did, how angry and hurt she is and that she feels she has been robbed of something, but I'm with her now and I feel like she is just being hurtful on purpose, she keeps saying how she wants to have sex at least once and then I say I can give her that but probably not in the conventional way she means or wants. Then she says that she does want those things with me but she wants it to be special and I'm like -_- so it won't be special just because I'm not a guy and don't have a penis? It's not about any of that, it's about the person you're doing it with and she agrees with that. I just feel like she is tying to punish me for things I did before I knew her and it's really hurtful, I understand she is hurt but does she have to say such hurtful things all the time and threaten and make jokes about her going to have sex with her friend? I can't even bring it up casually because then she starts saying she wonders what it feels like and things like that; her friends even suggested she do I with her one male friend just to see what it's like and if she likes it... I feel really hurt but also selfishave for feeling those things... I mean, why is she with me if she wants to have sex with a guy so badly? She says she wants to marry a girl and that she wants this to be a serious long term relationship but how does she expect me to believe that if she keeps saying how she "saved" herself for nothing because she won't get to have sex? I have told her I can have sex with her and make it really romantic and special for her and us but I know she doesn't think it's "real" sex and she doesn't think it will be special because of that. This all makes me feel really inadequate, I'm trying my best to give her everything she wants but she just keeps throwing all of my thoughts and suggestions back into my face. Does anybody know how I should handle this? She has only ever made out and fooled around with another girl before she met me... maybe she just isn't ready for a long term lesbian relationship? Like should I give her space to go explore and such? I told her that I just want her to be happy and I love her so much but if she wants to go out and explore before she decides to settle down then she should, and then she just gets angry and says I'm not fighting for her and I just want to break up with her. I'm so lost, I have no idea what to do, she is the first girl I have ever been with and I know a lot of things in theory but I haven't done much other than a bit of fooling around so this is new territory for me as well but I love it and I'm willing to figure and work it out with her, I just need her to meet me halfway. Any advice or observations are welcome :help:
It seems as though you are already on the right track. She does not sound aware and confident in her sexuality even slightly. There are definitely some lesbian prefer to include penetration when they are intimate with their partner, but there are many ways to incorporate penetration into lesbian sex without including another male. She isn't making this much uproar about the subject because you were previous active with a man or she wants to experience penetration. She is making a bit deal about this because she is still very attracted to men and wants to explore that side of her, which would be perfectly fine if she was going about it in a respectful manner. I completely agree that it is time for the relationship to end for the time being at least. Not only because of her curiosities, but because the way that she is handling this situation makes it clear that she is not ready for a serious relationship at this point in her life. Blaming you and your past for her sexual confusions is beyond unfair and dragging out for this long is ridiculous. She might be uncertain about what she wants, but you are not. You deserve to be with someone who is certain that they want to be with you.
Oh gosh, I would get rid of her if I were you. She's making a big deal out of what you did, and she even sounds a bit jealous of it. And anybody who thinks two women can't have 'real' sex are crappy people in my eyes. Even straight couples and gay men NEVER have penetrative sex in their lives but definitely still have sex. Sex is any form of genitals touching, not a penis penetrating something.
I would never expect a bisexual woman to be saying this to a lesbian I would think another lesbian might be pissed if a her girlfriend slept with men in the past . You know the whole gold star nonsense . I think you need a new girlfriend one that respects you ,and one that does not throw your past in your face like that . You don't deserve this disrespect you need someone who wants to be with you ,and who doesn't care or will not hold it against you . Sure i would be a little insecure that my girlfriend was with men ,but I wouldn't throw it in her face . I would try to get over my own insecurity, if this was happening to me . This whole virginity bullshit has women slut shaming ,each other with the I saved myself crap seems to me she's looking for excuses to sleep with men . If I were you I'd tell her to take a hike ,and go with men if she wants . Seems like she doesn't think waiting for you is much or means anything and she just sees sex as only taking place when a penis is involved . I'm with Gen and Falling
Wow thanks for the quick reply guys, I really appreciate it! (*hug*) I know I need to speak up about these things and hold my ground... I just really love her so much, I've never felt this way about anybody before and now this is happening and I know I need to do someying about it asap otherwise it's all on me for staying with someone who doesn't treat me right. I just feel like I will give her a chance to adjust to things and settle in, maybe she just needs to get completely comfortable with everything that's going on. It makes me really angry when she gets like that. I know she is hurt but I am also hurt by the way she is handling all of this. When you love someone you try and work it out and not just keep trying to hurt them back and make shitty comments about how you missed out and how your friends keep telling you to just go out and have a casual experience. I told her that you don't do something like that with a stranger or someone random, you do it with someone you love and trust and I'm trying with everything I can to be the best for her. I told her that I may have lost my virginity in the conventional sense but when I'm with her it will be like I'm losing it for a second time because of the way she makes me feel, I have never been so attracted and in love with another person in my life. I have only ever dated one other person in my life and it was the guy I was with and we were together for really long so it's not like I was going around and doing dodgy things with a whole bunch of other people. When I'm with someone I am with them for good. She just went on holiday with her friends and I couldn't go because my mom is on a vendetta against me because I'm gay and her friends keep joking that she should just have a casual hook up with her guy friend. This makes me completely lose it sometimes because she thinks it's hilarious and she often talks about stuff like that with her friends and they encourage it and she has even said she wants to see his penis and she wonders how big it is and just now while we were in the phone she was going on about how she could totally see the outline in his swimming trunks and going into detail. I will only talk to her about it when she gets back in about a week because I don't want to upset her while she is on holiday. She can be really spiteful at times so I don't want to do anything that will make her be spiteful. She also kept going on about how she gets frisky while she is drunk and I told her I disagree with that because I've been with her while she was drunk and she kept falling asleep but she in sits that she is and so I said maybe with other people but not with me. It annoys me that she goes on about things like that because I do my best to reassure her always and never ever make her jealous on purpose. I feel like she tries to make me jealous on purpose because the other night she told me the girl she fooled around with a year ago said that she misses her and wants to visit and my girlfriend said she'd like that and then the other girl said maybe she shouldn't because she doesn't trust herself to sleep in the same bed with her and that I look like a really sweet person so she doesn't want to interfere in this relationship as well... and I was just there like wtf because apparently while my girlfriend was with her ex this girl was making moves the whole time. Actually now that I'm typing all of this out I ask myself why am I still in this returns hip if she had a complete disregard for my feelings and wants to disrespect me like that. I think the only reason why I'm still sticking around is because I love her to death and I'm giving her a chance to try and make these things right because she said that she will give it her all to try and be better and I believe her, she has already made a lot of progress from the things she did when we first started dating. Maybe I just have a thing for trying to "fix" people. I'll see how she behaves this week and then I'll make my decision by next week because I will get to see her again because she will be back. But if she keeps threatening to do things whenever she gets upset then she needs to gtfo because I am a patient and loving person but I will not let myself be treated this way by someone who supposedly loves me and only wants to be with me.
I think she is being really disrespectful to you and that isn't okay. It would be great if she changed her mind, but I think sex with her could be really painful if it turns out she doesn't value it and starts complaining that 'It's not the same with a guy/I want to be with a guy". And like you said in your reply: "I may have lost my virginity in the conventional sense but when I'm with her it will be like I'm losing it for a second time because of the way she makes me feel, I have never been so attracted and in love with another person in my life." This is a fantastic and wonderful way to view one's experiences. Sex shouldn't be about what body part fits in what, It's about how you bond with someone. If you look up "Born again virginity" there are plenty of women who have been penetrated by men and still decide to call themselves 'virgins' because they regret it and want to re-save themselves for someone special. There are lesbians who have had sex with women and then endured rape by men. And following conventional definitions, men can't be virgins/lose virginity, and some women become non-virgins to horseback riding (hymen breaking) while others could still be considered virgins for using condoms since the original definition meant a woman bearing children for her man. So it shouldn't be about whether a man is involved or not because It's the emotion behind it that's supposed to count. If she wants a man just to get rid of a title or to have a 'real experience' then It's going to be a disappointment and might even ruin her life when she realizes it wasn't worth it.
Alrighty sooo she just told me she showered with two of her female friends. And she wonders why I'm upset. I haven't even done anything like that and I know for a fact she has never done anything like that and she is just being really spiteful. She has this other female friend that she sits with whenever she bathes and she often just let's this girl touch her. I am so done right now it's not even funny.
I have told her that if she doesn't respect me and put the past behind us then we are seriously going to need to reevaluate whether or not we should still date. I said I'll give her a chance and that I will help in whatever way I can but the acceptance and trust has to come from her because those things can't be forced. She seems determined and she hasn't done anything along those lines since and I hope that it stays this way because I really love her and want a future with her.
she's just fucking around at this point. she clearly is not taking this relationship as seriously as you are. not to mention the fact that she is unwittingly being an emotional abuser. breakups suck, i get it, but you really really need to leave her for your own good. the fact that she guilt trips you for being sexually abused is more than enough reason to leave, she doesn't deserve the dirt under your fingernails.
