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Started dating a closeted guy

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by NotSureWhatIam, Nov 28, 2014.

  1. NotSureWhatIam

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    So I just went out on a date with a closeted guy, he's still in high school (I just got out) and he's not obvious. But he says he knows he's gay so there's no question there. The date went well despite some things not going totally to plan, and he said hed like to go on a second date. BUT I've never done this. Is it a bad idea for an out and proud guy to date a closeted guy? What are some pros and cons? I think one benefit is that I'm not obvious about my sexuality uunless I'm asked. So I can act straight if I want to (though saying a girl is hot or going too far with that stresses me out for some reason.)
     
    #1 NotSureWhatIam, Nov 28, 2014
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2014
  2. Aspen

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    My girlfriend's out and proud and I'm closeted. It's not easy sometimes, because my family isn't at all accepting. They only know her as a friend and if we hang out around them then we have to be careful. It makes it impossible for me to invite her to family events. Before we started dating, I was very upfront about it. I told her my family is homophobic, my mom especially, and that I wouldn't be able to come out anytime soon. She said it wasn't something she really planned on dealing with but luckily loved me enough to give it a try anyway.

    I'd suggest talking to him about it. Ask him if he's out to anyone, if he has anyone supportive in his life, and maybe if he ever plans to come out. I believe it's important to long-term relationships that there be an eventual time to come out of the closet.

    If you really like this guy, it might be worth a shot. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Spartan 117

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    I agree with Aspen. It can be very difficult sometimes, but it's not impossible! If you're dating someone in the closet, it doesn't necessarily mean you have to go back into the closet yourself- but it does mean you might find yourself detached from other aspects of your partner's family and social life.

    Communication is the key to any relationship, talk through your worries and make sure you both know where you stand. :slight_smile:

    If helps, most people don't stay in the closet forever - sometimes having a partner to support them makes them feel more confident about coming out!
     
  4. Chip

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    Good advice above. Here are some additional thoughts.

    A big part of the decision for you is where your friend is in his process. If he can see the importance of coming out and plans to do so in some semi-reasonable timeframe (maybe 2-6 months) then that might be something worth waiting for. If he sees zero value in coming out and has no interest in working toward doing that... then it's going to be a bad situation.

    If he doesn't come out, the issue is primarily the toll it will take on you and your self-esteem. With him in the closet, you're invisible to his family and friends... you'll never meet them, they'll never know the role you play in his life. No matter how much he says he loves and supports you, ultimately the message is that, at some level, he's ashamed of you and the relationship the two of you have, and that shame is more powerful than the love he has for you.

    So in the long term, it's a really bad idea. In the short term... everyone has to at some point think about and work through their own issues, and come out on their own time line. What you have to decide is for how long you're willing to put up with being invisible. Longer than a few months is probably not a good idea.

    Perhaps you can have an honest conversation and discuss these things and see if he's willing to make a commitment, to himself and to you, about addressing the issue.