i would appreciate any non judgemental information on if anyone can relate to my situation specifically. this is going to be long, so thanks for reading. i am truly trying to accept who i am, because who i want to be is not who i am, and there is not a THING that i can do about that. Its hard when i feel like i have to compare myself to my peers and to other people, especially men, because at the end of the day i am not like anyone else. i am ME, and though at this point in my life i HATE who me is, i am seeking ways to accept myself and deal with who i am inside. recently a friend posted something online that really touched me. it said take what makes you feel bad and leave it, take what makes you feel good and run with it. so im really struggling with that which makes me feel bad, and here it is. at the end of the day i have been attracted to the same sex, and have had sexual thoughts and feelings towards members of the same sex since i was 15, when i had just started to sexually mature. up until recently, i thought that maybe they were just mixed feelings and that i was just confused, but thats not the case. i have felt love for a woman, (sweet, sweet amazing human being), and i had enjoyed a great physical, emotional, and romantic relationship with her and i wonder had we not broke up if things and feelings would still be the same. any other girls that i have ever had any sexual encounters with, including my girlfriend who first took my virginity at 19 years old, didnt feel ULTIMATELY right deep inside. it was more of a sexual encounter just to do it, with any other girls ive been with. as ive gotten older and older, i am less attracted to the opposite sex and have had plenty of hookups where my man parts refused to function, and its pretty embarrassing. as ive gotten older through the years, i have met a handful of guys that ive definitely been physically attracted to, and i have also met a handful of guys that i am absolutely sexually and emotionally attracted to, and these feelings have been stronger than any woman that ive dated or encountered. problem is that the thought of most guys, and having any sort of physical contact really grosses me out. i am not gay in the sense that i like all men, because im not, and i dont. theres an extremely small percentage of guys that im really attracted to, and unfortunately they are all around the age of 20-22ish, give or take a year. right now im 35, and it just doesnt seem right that i have been attracted to both a 19 year old and a 20 year old, but to be honest, ive cared immenseley about them both, and im not gonna use the word love, but i am pretty damned close to being totally in love with one of them. but the ones that i do like are always straight. so at the end of the day, i want what i cannot ever have, and that makes me feel hurt, sad, and ultimately empty inside. i have considered getting onto websites like craigslist took see if theres any openly gay younger men that would give me a chance to experiment, but i am too scared of all the drugs, the diseases, and the craziness that some of my gay friends have warned me about in using those types of websites. i have been told to maybe try out some gay clubs which i suppose i would do, but i dont feel comfortable going there alone. i dont know what to do. i am ultimately depressed ALL the time, no matter how much i try to stay sober, to BASE jump and skydive with my wingsuit, and to enjoy the crazy stuff in life that i do, but NOTHING helps. the more i see my straight friends growing up and having kids and families, the more it hurts that i feel like i will ALWAYS be alone, i will never be the great father that i have the potential to be, and that if i ever told my parents and my real family that they would be completely distraught. i understand that those people who will not accept me for who i am and the way i was born can fuck right off. as of now i have never had a single sexual encounter with another guy. my next struggle is what do i do? do i ignore the feelings i have and try to put my sexuality completely out of my life? is asexuality an option like choosing a life of celibesy? i think dwelling on this is so emotionally difficult that its slowly killing me, and up until recently i used alchohol for DECADES to numb the way i feel. its not working anymore, because alcohol is a depressant and it makes things worse by tenfold. do i seek professional help? i feel like i am and always will be completely and clinically depressed, do i seek medication? so far, and its been getting worse recently, the only thing that i see as being the light at the end of my tunnel is death, because i truly do not see any other options. i think that because of the age of the young men i am attracted to, i feel very sick inside, and im tired of asking what i did to deserve this? the answer is NOTHING, i didnt do shit, this is just the way that i am. thanks for your time, and anything that you can say to help me out is so very much appreciated. im sick of crying all the time.thank you chris
I, for one, do not see an issue with being attracted to someone younger, so long as the maturity levels are consistent between the two people and the age does not fall below legal thresholds. There are arguments that suggest older gay guys whom did not come out when they were younger are attracted to younger guys because that is where their sexual maturity still resides. I can understand this theory to a certain extent. Going deeper, your concerns about your sexuality suggest your in the process of trying to decide if you should come out to yourself, and accept that you might actually be gay. From what you describe, you see all the signs that you are, but have you truly accepted yourself? I do believe that if you continue on your journey and ultimately find peace with your sexuality, whatever your sexuality ultimately is, you will feel a great weight lifted off your shoulders. Both your issues, from my perspective, are mutually exclusive of one another. First you need to tackle the broader issue of your sexuality, and then after done that, I believe the issue of age with regard to whom your attracted to will be easier to deal with.
thank you for putting that into perspective like that. i am truly and finally willing to admit that yes, i am gay, its taken a tremendous amount of time and emotion to get to this point but im ready to admit this to myself. and i believe the next step is to tell some of my closest friends, those who i know deep down love me no matter what. my parents are a different story because ive never gotten along great with them but im not terribly concerned with them right now. and i suppose that is a good point, im a very young 35 year old, i never really did sexually mature much after about the age of 23 ish, and i suppose that could potentially help explain a possible reason that my attraction lies where it does to younger men. thanks for commenting, and i have a long way to go, but, i have some steps to take in the meantime to help lift this weight. thanks again, chris 35 yrs old and gay :smilewave
