I found some old papers, today, from fourteen years ago, when I was an angry, troubled kid in middle school. I didn't look at them too closely, the memories are still present in my mind. I'm going to destroy these documents, as I did all my yearbooks from every year of school I ever attended. For me, the past is a fabrication and the future a delusion, the present merely an illusion. That said, I'm pretty upset having just seen them, as I thought I'd destroyed them a long time ago. I glanced at a few and they opened up old wounds which started to bleed all to quickly before shutting the binder in a teary rage. I was about to go to bed but now I'm angry and depressed and paranoid about these, thinking I'd already destroyed them. How should I cope with these feelings?
Hi there! If it helps, just throw them out, and close the door on it. I think it would be good and beneficial if you try working through what you are experiencing. Have you tried working through some of what you have experienced in the past, and tried addressing it so that you can close the door, or move on from it? What I would suggest for now, is maybe trying to do a 'thought change' exercise so to get into a better space again. If you can, try to sit down somewhere, where you are comfortable, and close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths, so that you can feel the inhalation and exhalation, and try to focus your energy on your breathing. When you have a thought from the past coming up, picture it sitting on a leaf or a cloud, and let it fly away so that you don't see it anymore. As you continue breathing, start focusing on what's happening inside of you. Think about a place (such a forest, a beach, a mountain top, an island with palm trees, your room, or a place in your house/apartment, or your favourite spot in town) that gives you peace and serenity. Picture yourself sitting there, and take in the surroundings. Try to stay in that place for a bit, or at least until you feel that your thoughts have calmed down, and you start feeling better. Once you feel more relaxed again, picture yourself getting up from the place where you are sitting, walking slowly back into your present surroundings, and open your eyes. Scan your surroundings for a few minutes. Take another deep breath and let it out slowly. (*hug*)
I'm going to do more than throw them out, I'm going to shred them into a thousand pieces then burn the shards in the kerosene lamp I keep by my typewriter outside until the shards are nothing more than dust. Then when the dust is charred I'm going to burn the dust until it's little more than ash and when that's done I'm going to dump the ashes into a pool of my own urine and flush it down someone else's toilet. But I'll do that when I'm ready, for now, I just need to relax. Yeah, I've been walking back and forth, trying that cognitive behavioral therapy they kept pushing on me in the hospital some time back and I'm putting my mind in my happy place, like you said. But there's a serpent in my garden and I need to stomp it's head with my heel lest it comes back to pierce my flesh with its venomous incisors.
Hi there! Glad to read you want to relax for now. (*hug*) Try not to worry about what you are going to do with the papers for now or the serpent in the garden. As you know, it only feeds your anger and depression. Let it slide. Deal with it in the morning or the next day.
Woke up late, bad taste in my mouth, sore throat... I think I was crying in my sleep because I woke up gasping and clawing at the air with tears in my eyes... Bad dreams. I'm stranded at a friend's house, today and they're at work and they live in the middle of nowhere so I can't even walk anywhere to get my mind off of stuff... I'm trying to bide my time but I can't concentrate. I want to call someone but I don't want to be a nuisance. I feel like shit, those papers are back home waiting for me, laughing at me, mocking me. I'm going to destroy them as soon as I get the chance. I'm lonely, isolated from society and worst of all bored right now. I can barely keep my eyes open because there's no caffeine around here and I don't want to go back to sleep because the bad dreams are lying in wait for me. I'm trying to concentrate on my happy place but I'm too unfocused.
Hi there! (*hug*) It's okay to call someone and talk. It might help you to start feeling a bit differently/better. How would you feel about trying to call a support line, and just talk?
I'm not suicidal over this or anything, if that's what you're driving at-- I understand you have to kind of get that out there but I'm not going to hurt myself over this. I'm not going to call a support line, I called one once, about, oh, nine years ago... Not because I felt like hurting myself or anything, it was one of those LGBT Youth hotline things, I felt I needed to talk to someone after a peculiar day. The guy listening was very distant, he acted like every therapist I've ever met simply silently nodding over the phone and saying "Mm-hmm," and "Okay, I see." It made me feel worse, actually, because I'm pretty sure that number showed up on my Mom's phone bill-- it was a landline telephone, I didn't even have a cell back then, hell, I didn't have a cell phone until I was 24. No, I don't need to call a hotline or a support line, all I'm going to get is silent noddings and "Mm-hmms." That one time nine years ago really turned me off to the whole experience. I'm angry, yeah. I'm depressed, yeah. But what else is new? Besides, this isn't even an LGBT issue I'm discussing originally here, the papers, I mean. It's just something I found that profoundly pissed me off and deeply upset me-- that happens all the time. The slightest thing can make my state of mind go from nominal to the deepest depths of despair. Like if I see a picture of a cute kitten, I may break down, unable to cry because of the Prozac knowing that one day that kitten will die. Or if I see a pretty sunset or sunrise, I'll break down because it's the first and last time that particular sunset will ever occur and it can never happen again. I break easily, extremely easily and I'm almost used to it. Pretty much everything in my life is a trigger warning, but it's not a suicide trigger, it's just a violent mood swing trigger.
Nope, that's not where I was going with it. I just thought that talking about it might allow you to change your thoughts. You don't need to call a help/support line, instead you could try calling a friend, and just talk. I suggested it as you had indicated that you wanted to talk to someone. I don't think you would be a nuisance. If you feel it could help to talk with someone, go for it. It's okay that it is not an LGBT issue.
Well, I might be able to call one of my two close friends... I lost a lot of people in my circle over the last nine years, now there's really only two left and they're at a birthday party, today and I'm out of town and since I don't have a driver's license I can't exactly drive anywhere, otherwise I'm pretty sure I'd just go to a nearby gay bar and dance my troubles away on the disco floor. I'm not sure if they're still at the party or not, I could hit them up on Facebook but I always feel like I'm interrupting something. They're both so much more productive and popular than me, and I only see them once in awhile. Maybe I'll call one of them when I know they're not at the birthday party anymore, because it's one of their young nephew's birthdays and I don't want to be that guy who calls one of them up in the middle of the frivolities and tears them away from the joy with my despair. That's just not right.
This is me. When I feel something I do feel it, and nothing leaves me indifferent. Don't know if my way of dealing with it could help you, but here I go... When I have the feeling it's too much to take, I simply stop thinking. It's not easy, I know, and it takes a ton of practice, but you need to get there. Blank. Stop the train. Try to picture yourself as the train driver, in charge of the brakes. Picture the sound of the wheels. Or even better, try to get some recordings of trains stopping and listen to them. Do whatever it takes to get inside the scene I'm describing. The perception of what is real depends on our own faith. You are free to create or modify your own reality, there is nothing wrong with that, and you need to do it at times. Your best weapon to fight against yourself is yourself. The past is nothing unless you give it power to be something. The person you were is no more there and won't come back. Burn those papers. Don't feel as if you need to dwell there, or tell yourself the story again. Forgive your past self and just move on. Burn those damned papers. I'm about to throw away a lot of stuff myself. It's amazing the tons of crap we keep. Go for a walk. If you feel like it, run. Run until you are tired as hell. And then let it out : Shout. Let it out, there is nothing wrong with it.
