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I'm a dad, wtf do I do!?!?!?!?!?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Sam2, Dec 7, 2014.

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  1. Sam2

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    So not too long ago, I put a loaded shotgun(which I have fired hundreds of times) in my mouth and pulled the trigger, but had a dud bullet. too be honest I felt betrayed. untill about 3 days ago. about 3 days ago, I realized God is real.

    Long story short, on a mix of Ex and booze, I slept with this girl, jenny(not her real name), and she called me to tell me she moved close to me, which freaked me out. When I went over, she just smiled and yelled "He's here" and this beautiful little 3 year old girl comes running down the hall yelling, "daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy!" I panicked, I've been with one girl, there's no way I'm a dad. so I took her to get a blood test. she matched 102% with a 2% margin of flaw, unconvinced, I got a second one. same results.

    I'm 19, I just tried to kill myself, I am a recovering Heroin addict, I just got over Syphilis, I drink like there's no tomorrow. I'm in no way qualified to be a dad. But this littler girl, her names Hope. changed all that. 3 days with no booze or drugs and I've been spending alot of time with her. which is why I don't need booze or drugs. any parent on here knows the exhaustion, and I've only known her for 3 days. I can't imagine how tired her mom is. when I asked her mom why she didn't tell me about lil hope, she simply said "Do you really believe you would've been a good parent?"

    I can't argue with that at all. But now I'm in a predicament. Her mom knows I'm gay and just wants me to be a part of Hopes life, I want to be as well. But how do I tell her I'm gay? how do I explain why I wasn't there?

    She broke my heart today, she had a little accident and when I was cleaning her off, she cried that I didn't love her because if I did I would've been there. I just said "We all make mistakes" But how can I possibly explain why I wasn't there? I realize she's very young and doesn't need to understand those things now, but I worry about the future.

    And I worry about the present, How can I support a little girl, When I can barely support myself? bottom line, I'm terrified. But my parents were pretty shitty, and I'll be damned if I'm like that with hope. I'll jump through hoops to make sure she's happy. And I'll sacrifice my lifes savings if it means she has a future. But anyone who had read my posts knows how fucked up I am. how can I possibly be a dad? any advice, input, or just anyone who has had a similar experiance, PLEASE comment. I'm scared shitless and don't know where to go from here, except that I will be there for hope. please help
     
  2. Nord

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    Forgive me for I do not know you and your previous posts as I'm a new one here (a silent lurker for while at that) but Sam, take a breather ! Take one deep and let it all exhale out..

    Now her name is hope, and you're not dead? Maybe perhaps you guys were meant to help each other ? She needs a father, and you need a light at the end of the tunnel, maybe even a purpose. Besides, why would she honestly care of her father is gay or not? It will honestly help her become a more wide-eyed , accepting person later in her life if she is acquainted with reality during her childhood. And yes, I'm certain she'll forgive you not being there in the beginning, I mean you are here now just be present from this point forward.

    In any case just love her and do the best the can. What do you have to lose ? Don't be scared ! Just take it one step at a time it'll be an adventure to rediscover life in a way you haven't seen before. Good luck!
     
  3. Yosia

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    In my opinion, your life experiences could make you an even better dad, as you will try anything to make sure your child doesn't have to go through the same, am I right?

    As for telling her why you weren't there for her in her early years, at her age, it's obviously hard to explain it to her, but when she is old enough (probably around 10), I would simply tell her the truth, and follow it up with something like "but now I realise, you are the best thing in my life and I wish I could have spent those 3 years with you as well." She will most likely understand. Like you said, everyone makes mistakes.

    For now, be the best daddy you can ever be!! (*hug*)
     
  4. Melanie

    Melanie Guest

    I would just explain to her that you had some things to work out (be vague... shes 3) and reassure her that it had NOTHING TO DO WITH HER. It was just something that daddy needed to do. Tell her youre sorry if you hurt her, and tell her that you love her very much.

    If you say all of this, you can never ever disappear from this childs life again. Ever.
     
  5. Michael

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    She doesn't want money from you, she only wants love from you.
    To be the best father all you need to do is to make your child feel loved. And if you love her, which I think you do, you are going to do very well.
    Forget about the money, forget about "how fucked up" you are. You can be the richest man on earth, president of General Motors, and your kid will hate your guts because you act like a jerk.
    Kids are not adults. They are way wiser when it comes to love. Just be there and make her happy : Spend your time with her, teach her things, make her laugh, hug and kiss her... It's all that she needs right now.
    You will make mistakes, and you will also make her very happy, but at the end, if you really love her, it's going to be alright : Amor vincit omnia.

    And now turn off the computer and go back to your little girl!
     
  6. Chip

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    Sam, you continue to inspire me. There's a reason you're still here, and a reason this little girl is in your life. I know someone who had the exact same experience you did, with a gun, and he is now 25 years sober and spends his life and makes his living inspiring and helping others to get past their addictions.

    Your daughter will understand you are gay. If she's raised with the idea that Daddy likes boys and will have a boyfriend some day and that Mommy also likes boys and will eventually have a boyfriend... she'll take it just fine.

    And Hope can be an inspiration to you to help get your life together, and you can be an inspiration to her. Perhaps this can be the seeds of the healthier, happier family life you need to support you in getting emotionally healthy.

    Will this be easy? Probably not. But it will be easier than going back to your drugs of choice and hating yourself. And if you can remind yourself that your daughter loves you, wants you, and needs you in your life... she can be an inspiration to you to stay on the right path, and you can be an inspiration to her to grow up strong and healthy.

    You really have done an awful lot of positive things for yourself with not a lot of support around you, Sam. Love and appreciate yourself for it, and continue to take positive steps.
     
  7. Andrew99

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    Listen lay off the booze and the drugs. Just be a good dad raise your daughter and if you have financial issues u can totally get help from the government. My cousin had her daughter shortly after she turned 18 and was in no way financially ready. She gets $800 a month until her daughter turns 5. Kind of like baby welfare. So if u do get $800 a month then just be a waiter you'll make good tips and then maybe try to go to school if u can and get some degree. Good luck (*hug*)
     
  8. Sam2

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    Yea she's actually here right now, I mean she's asleep, it is almost 2. And I love her very much, even though my life turned around in one day. Honestly, and I realize this is stupid. But the current issue is I have to mature. when she wet herself, she was crying so I hugged her and got pee all over my arms. And what was I going to do? Freak out? no, just tell her i didn't notice when she asked, and take a shower after she took a bath. It's just such a quick transition, a few days ago, I was just sitting around, drinkin 40 oz's with friends and talking about the future.

    Now, hope is my future. and I haven't drank or anything since finding out. But one day, sitting around acting like your typical 19 year old. the next being a dad, which (As I learned quickly) includes a lot of gross stuff. I just hope, I don't cave under the immense pressure. And that I can be there(which I will). Idk why the gay thing is so much on my mind. but it is. I learned in school to hate gays, not from teachers, but other students. I don't want her to learn that. I'm probably just over stressed. the mixture of a kid, and not drinking or anything else when life has surprises.

    And she's psychic! haha I wish, But she wanted me to type that. she just came into the living room, so I have to put her to bed and am probly just gonna crash with her. good night, hopefully all will work out
     
  9. love dont judge

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    Just saying, im surprised no one has mentioned this yet, but i think its a sign. A while ago u were on deaths doorstep, and hope literally walks into your life! How can that not be a good sign?!
    Anyways.... U sound as though ur going to be a great dad. Already youve taken a step in the right direction by stopping the constant drinking and drugs. Financialy speaking, there are programs that can help you out. Theyre made for people who need them, and if u do, then u do.
    As for telling her, u dont have to make it a big deal. Trust me, kids are often way smarter when it comes to love than adults are. Just let her know that you may have a boyfriend, like mommy would, but some guys would have girfriends.
    As for expaining to her y u werent there from the beginning, just tell her that u had some things to figure out. Reinforce to her that u love her, and am here now to stay. Shel understand. Kids always have a funny way of doing that. Especially the little ones. Its a shame that most people lose that innocence as they grow up.
    I know that ur going to be a great dad, made even more so becuase of the way u were raised. Just have faith in urself and ull make it just fine. :icon_bigg
     
  10. David21201

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    Wow, hope literally saved you..... that's cute ^.^
    Anyway my friend's dad is gay too. My friend told me he was hardly around until she was about 6... that's when her dad apologized for not being there....and telling her henwas gay. It was till she was older that she knew what it meant.
    Don't stress it now. Wait till Hope's older. Right now, just focus on being the best dad there is.
     
  11. kindy14

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    You are willing to sacrifice your well being for the sake of this little girl you helped produce. You are already mature enough to be a parent. If you have love in your heart, the rest will come. Anything worth sacrificing your life for, is going to be hard work. Find support from your circle of good friends, not the ones who sit around enabling you with your bad behaviors. Once you cut out the booze, and what not, you'll probably find you have more money and time to spend on more important things.

    Yes, life altering moments can happen in a second.

    What do you say? Hope, when you were born I wasn't in a good place in my life. Your mom knew that, and protected you from my bad decisions. Now that you are in my life I'm going to try not to make those bad decisions, and help your mom with raising you. I will always be here for you, and I will always love you.

    She's only 3, she doesn't need to know all the details. Just that you love her now.
     
  12. Sam2

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    So for those who have connected her name to my recent actions and moods, simple, one word answer. RIIIIIIGHT!?!?!?!?

    I used to say to myself everyday that I am hopeless, what an amazing turn of events that I have a munchkin, named hope!

    When I last posted,3 or 4 days ago i believe, she stayed at my apartment and fell asleep in my arms, I remember worrying about everything to come, when the thought did crop up "You're a hopeless dad" I looked down into my arms, and another voice said, "No your not, she's right there!" I couldn't stop myself, I burst out laughing and woke up Hope. All I said was how much I love her.


    And just for the literalist's on here, I am not hearing voices, it's just a way too explain my thought process.

    today is actually the first day I haven't seen her, and I'm sad because of it. but it's okay, I'm taking her to day care tomorrow So ill see her first thing in the morning!

    It's been 5 days since it was proven I am a daddy. And so much has changed about me, I wont even take my prescription painkillers even tho I have some broken ribs, which is another thing, this fuckin cast need to come off. but I digress. I was feeling low last night, so i bought a 40oz. and spent about an hour staring at it, this same thought kept ringing in my head, "what's it gonna be? Hope or booze?" this has far more than a metaphorical and spiritual meaning to it.

    so many memories rushed my mind in an instant. some new some old. I remembered Hope falling asleep in my arms, I remember her crying and asking where I've been, I remember watching monsters inc. with her, I remeber chasing her around the apartment saying I was gonna eat her, with a monster mask on my head. And then the booze, I remembered how great, social and comfortable it made me feel, at first. I remembered busting a 40oz over a kids, (younger than me) head and how I barely avoided a prison sentence, I remember the time I mixed booze with heroin, Overdosed and woke up in the hospital, I remembered the booze fueling this megalomaniac belief that as long as I drank (as if it was good for me) I could do anything I want. I remembered countless fights, driving drunk, losing good friends, losing the support of loved ones, and losing myself. all in a second.

    I dumped the 40, spit on the empty bottle and tossed it, I still feel bad that it took me a whole hour to decide. fuck the booze and drugs, just fucked me over.

    I'm not in anyway, shape, or form saying my problems are already gone, nor am I saying raising a child at 19 will be easy or even fun. But all of a sudden I have someone to think about. when I think about myself, its too easy to drink, when I think of her, its too easy not to drink. Literally, figuratively, and spiritually I have found hope, and I wont let her down.
     
  13. Sam2

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    @rubix413 did the littler girl end up okay? I ask because I learned to hate myself, for being gay (granted my parents were no help, and her mom is A-okay with it). But I don't want her to hate herself for having a gay dad. I've thought about not telling her, but I Have to be fair to myself as well (no matter how painful). I just don't want her to be hurt more than she already has been.

    The convo did come back up, why I was gone. I continued with the "everyone makes mistakes" thing, and said, "some mistakes can last longer than you think they will, they can rock you too your core, but I found out that some things can make all those mistakes into learning experiences (and if I'm being honest I was tearing when I said this) and when you find something worth fixing yourself for, it becomes easy. And for me, that's you hope." she just hugged me and said "I love you daddy" which almost put me over the edge, she's just so sweet, I can't believe I basically abandoned her and her mom. for anyone on here, do you think this was okay to say? I question myself every chance I get, if it wasn't don't spare me the details, please. let me know. the gay thing Ima wait at least till she's 6-8
     
  14. greatwhale

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    Sam, you said and did exactly the right thing. Truth be told, no one is ever fully ready to take on the challenge of being a parent, but something in us takes over, Nature has endowed most of us with the strength to take it on. I have no doubt you will do whatever it takes, one day at a time, to be the best father you can be.

    Remember this: the blessing of your daughter, Hope, is the best lesson in love you will ever have.
     
  15. all paths

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    This is really beautiful. I'm completely crying.

    So glad I read this, Sam. <3
     
  16. sheepishgirl

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    Sam, your story is completely beautiful and heartwarming.

    As someone whose dad's been willingly absent from her life for more than 10 years, I just have to say... you're an amazing father. Continue to be there for her, continue what you're doing right now, you're on the right track. Don't worry about the questions - you told her the exact right thing you should've. It's important for her to feel loved right now, not the money or anything like that. You'll have all the time to think about that stuff later.

    I wouldn't worry much about explaining your orientation. With you there for her, she can hopefully grow up into a respectful tolerant human being. Kids are free of prejudices and need little explaining.

    I wish you and Hope luck!
     
  17. bingostring

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    Wow… what a turn of events. Fantastic..
     
  18. I am Kakashi

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    ALL. THE. FEELZ. :slight_smile:

    As for how to tell her, I think you being gay, and you not being there for the first 3 years should be different issues/ conversations. I think she will probably understand, or at least soon ish, that at one point, you and her mom had a relationship, were together, or some sort of vague wording. But that you lived in X city, and then her mom lived in Y city. So you weren't able to see her. (probably should leave out that you didn't know she existed, that's something they will probably figure out/ ask at about 10, been in a similar situation with me as the kid).

    As for the gay thing, I think that would be more of a convo for when she is like 5 or 6, maybe later. At some point she is going to see enough TV and movies and understand or at least acknowledge that romantic love exists, and it's usually a princess and her prince. So maybe bringing it up in the context of "Oh, look at Ariel/ Belle/ Rarity from My Little Pony likes boys. Some girls like boys, some like other girls. Boys can like boys too." and let her process/ react before saying much more. And then becoming more personal, maybe having the mom talk about how sometimes she has boyfriends. but sometimes dad has boyfriends too. :slight_smile:
     
  19. gazwkd

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    Lots of stuff going on there. I won't get into a discussion over the whole God thing however you're child needs to be everything in your world now. Everything you do, you do for that child, nothing else is as important, be that drugs, money etc etc - take it from there.
     
  20. TigerInATophat

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    I've just seen this post but I've got to say wow, what a turnabout. I remember commenting on one of your previous posts where you were on the verge of taking your own life, and I'm so glad you chose to stick around now because you never would have known your daughter (or her you) had you gone through with it.

    You're already doing pretty well just being around and loving her more than the drink or drugs. That's not to say it will be an easy road ahead, but it's the right start. She's obviously changed your life dramatically already.

    Telling her that you're gay need not be a big deal. You can just wait until something comes up in conversation or she starts asking questions and casually mention that some boys like girls and some like boys, and daddy is a boy who likes boys. Children introduced to the concept, without a negative slant, early enough will just accept it as normal. Sounds like her mother has a positive attitude so it shouldn't be a problem. Ignorance and negative attitudes are learned not something kids are born with.

    On the matter of you not having been around, it sounds like this is the main thing that's been on her mind. All she needs is your continued reassurance that your problems had nothing to do with her, and that having her in your life is actually making you happy and helping you (without going into stuff she doesn't need to know). If something about the stresses of parenthood overwhelms you at any point and she notices, you only need to tell her it's because you're still learning to be a dad and it's not her fault.

    As for the financial aspect I will repeat what others on here have said; the most important thing is just to love her. Yes you can share what you have where possible, even if it's only very little, but that is a secondary concern.

    Honestly I would have been happy just to have a father that genuinely loved me for who I was, not just 'playing house' as and when it suited him or to use me to boost his own ego. From my perspective when I was a child, the fact my dad never provided one penny of child support (or indeed provided for us even when he was still living with us) only made me angry because I knew he could provide, but was choosing to spend his money on luxuries for himself before food for us. My mother went through financial struggles where she couldn't buy necessities like food sometimes but I never blamed her for this because I knew she was trying her best. Seriously, love is more important than anything you can provide materially.

    You're already on the right path, you're doing great. Just keep going as you have been.
    Best of luck. :slight_smile:
     
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