im empty. thats it. thats how i feel right now. some of you may know that i have ongoing issues with depression and anxiety. i have been dealing with it since about 2012. it comes one month then im fine for a few months and then its back again. my last major bout put me in the hospital for the third time this past july. i started feeling better in september, but this past week i have felt it coming back. hard. harder than ever before. in the previous bouts i had thoughts about what it would be like if i wasnt alive. i never wanted to kill myself, let alone even harm myself, nor make any kind of attempt to do so. this time however it just seems more real. ive been up for about the last 48 hours. crying. thinking. trying to actually plot my own death. heres the thing. i dont like medications. i dont like taking medications. i absolutely refuse to take any medication for more than a week. i dont want therapy. so whats next. im slipping away. im tired. im tired of the pain. im tired of the constant roller coaster of feeling great and happy one day and then wanting to be dead the next. stop the ride. i want to get off. im hurting. im tired. i give up. i just want to be at peace.
You should seek help immediately. You might call The Trevor Project and they have a web-site at The Trevor Project. (*hug*)
When you are so low it can seem like a real effort to say anything about your feelings, but you did really well in making the posting kyfry. Despair thrives on our silence and plunges us further into darkness, so it's really important to stay connected and keep the lines of communication open in an attempt to break the cycle. You don't have to be very articulate with it all - just keep talking (or writing, if it's easier for you). We're not therapists and you say you don't want therapy anyway, but just sharing some of your feelings with other people can help a little.. if you are willing. How about it? Do you think you can describe some of your feelings to us? Can you tell us what the emptiness feel like, to you? Even though you haven't thought about harming yourself or ending it all, you have wondered what it would be like if you wasn't alive. Are you able to share any of those thoughts with us? It's okay to admit to feeling like this and it really is good that you are prepared to admit it to us (breaking the silence). Don't bottle it up - you really don't have to. Talking may not miraculously change things, but it can act as an emotional release when everything seems messy and confused and that's got to be better than struggling alone. Hope you can say a bit more. (*hug*)
