Reflecting is a very good thing and this self discovery period involving my sexuality, I've realized that my homosexuality has always been a part of me and in fact a great thing has happened since I've accepted my sexuality, I have regained my personality. Now for those who don't understand how I regained my personality here is something. I am a feminine guy, I am submissive and emotional, I loved to dance and sing and I liked to do multiple things that were girly, talk about feelings, my subjects I talked about were even girly in nature, I talked about parents and got a bit gossipy, even around guys I acted a little like this. I was like that before the biggest event of my life, my depression. This depression killed my emotion, I did not care no longer, I neglected my social life and treated all my former female friends like dirt, ignoring them and putting them aside. I was cold, and I was always looking sad, I was different, I was only able to for a hour look forward to drama and in that I would be able to be someone else if only for a while, in most of school I was different but the only noticeable change was I forced myself to flirt with girls, I never found them attractive only treating them like objects to just be seduced and then thrown away like yesterday's dinner. It was only when I left school and began to be alone for a while did any of this change. I was able to slowly search inside myself and discover who I honestly was. This led to me to explore why I never felt attracted to women and I was able to release my thoughts, these turned into masturbatory fantasies about sex with men. I envisioned sex with a man and I enjoyed my fantasies, I felt good during them and that began the questioning process, "could I really be gay instead of being asexual." This stuff has led me up to this point where I've accepted my sexuality as gay and I've regained the traits which I once possessed as a young guy. I've begun to freely dance to music and sing as well, I've let myself cry more than I ever did when I was young, I feel like I could talk more and my love of colour has returned with the colour pink being my favourite.(I would say my colour likes were reflective of my personality, before depression: Red, depression and afterwards: Black, Today: Pink) I would say this change is what is making me happy and now for the first time ever I've got pride in myself. Now this is just a little reflection on the change which has occurred and I definitely am a little more mature than my young self but my colourful personality has come back due to me accepting myself and embracing my homosexuality. So Thanks everyone and for all the guys and for all the girls (*hug*)
Just a question as well when being affectionate with a boyfriend what would you call him. I have a bit of a problem with that as I would call him mate. What's an affectionate word you can use to refer to him but still make him feel like a man cause the only other words I can think of is darling, honey and words you use to be affectionate to women.
It's good that you have rediscovered who you are through this process. Perhaps the most telling thing is that you are once again talking about your feelings and sharing your emotions and I can't tell you how positive that is. I know you have challenges with your parents (especially your Mum) and it must feel very depressing at times, but you are not allowing it to take you back to that place where emotion died in a black void. Very proud of you! As far as affectionate names go, you normally find something quite unique when you get into a relationship. Darling and honey are very generic words, but when you really suss out your boyfriend/partners personality traits and characteristics you'll find something special that really seems to fit. That's how it's always worked with me (but don't ask me to share my pet names, cos that's not gonna happen )
