In barely holding in my tears and not sure why I'm so upset

So I live with my grandparents since it's easier to love there and can't stand being away. Now I'm at my moms place to babysit once she starts work and I'm barely holding in my panic and tears from being away from grandparents. Me and my step dad don't get along at all and he basically treats me as a stranger in his house. I hate it here but I do love my mom and siblings. I'm confused as to why Im in such a panic and I feel like I'm a bad person for wanting to not be here. Am I in the wrong? Am I a bad person for not wanting to be here and be with my grandparents instead? I'm so confused and feel like curling into a ball and crying. It's all so confusing. I'm afraid to think of what I'll be when she passes or when I have to go to college or something. I can barley stand going to a friends place or even my cousins. >_> is that pathetic to be feeling like this?

 

Thank you both for the comments..they did help and it still hurts not being with my grandparents and my dogs and everything I'm familiar with, but I'll try making it the best I can and spend time with my mom and 2 siblings. I just hate this feeling you know? Now I learned I have to stay mom-Thursday and be able to go back to grandmas for Friday night and come back here Sunday until mid April >_>. Hopefully it goes alright. Though at least if need be I can contact my grandma to rescue me if it gets to be to much. Thanks again all and wishing you all the best! Now if only I had a boyfriend I could chat with lol it would make this bearable ^_^.

 

Any suggestions on how to not be so upset? I really do want to be happy with my mom and such but instead I feel all alone and like crying and just really want to be back at my grandmas place with all my stuff and familiar things and all the sounds I know of! Yet I'm trying to be happy but feels like im just putting on a mask, but I don't want to tell my mom how I feel because then she will get terribly upset since is rather be at grandmas then her and I hate upsetting her as well. I don't know what to do! I feel like I'm overreacting since I have a tendency to do so or something and I hope I'm not bugging you all lol.

 

Thanks everyone for your answers it helps a ton. I'm glad I'm able to talk to people who understand it's nice being able to talk to people instead of bottling it up ^_^. Thanks for the offer Andrew999 might just take you up on it! Well I'm gonna go and get some sleep so sweet dreams everyone! Thanks for listening.

 

Thanks Kim for all that and I hope your feeling better soon as well! If you ever need to talk or vent I'm here xD. I guess the main reason I don't like being at my moms is cuase of my step dad. He makes me feel like a stranger and that I don't feel like I don't belong here. I'm here to babysit so for the most part I'll only be dealing with him evenings so that's a plus. I'll be going to grandmas Friday evening and staying till sundayish. If I end up not being able to take it any more I can always contact my grandma and ell her I can't take it anymore, it's tough with him being a bully and jerk and many other things I shall not repeat lol. Well thanks all for all the positive comments and Ill be giving it a try and just pull through one day at a time xD. Best of luck to you all! Take care!

 

Trust me I've tried as hard as humanely possible and beyond. I've tried being how he wants me to be, doesn't work. I've tried doing what he wants me to do which is basically ignore my siblings and my mother and don't speak to them or interact with them at all, couldn't do that because it doesn't feel right and is just wrong to do so. I'm to the point now to just not care anymore, I've tried being someone he would like but still hates me and it's just so hard to try and be something I'm not as well as how much it hurts when he doesn't see how hard I'm trying or doesn't care idk which. Just to the point of not caring about him anymore and just say screw it. Sorry venting a bit there I've just had a very horrible morning with trying to not start cursing him out.

 

@bingo I've tried finding an interest we both like or even tried to like something he does but doesn't work. He calls all my hobbies gay like for gaming it's gayming and so on and so forth. he hates gays and for some reason now that I think bout it maybe he doesn't like me since he's making everything I do into something gay...hmmm. @really I've tried standing up to him but the 2 times I've done so he gets even angrier cause apparently I'm back talking to him. Even saying no to him is back talking or telling him to stop flicking me or poking me cuase he does it to hard and it hurts he tells me to quit giving him lip. I've given 9 years of trying to be a good son or at least something he doesn't look at in hate. Started when I was 8 and now I'm 18...im so very tired of it to be honest. I've tried being silent but doesn't work it makes him do it even worse. It's not physical like hitting or punching and such but he does go round "rough housing" by poking me really hard and such. The. There's the stepping on my feet as hard as he can so I'm to the conclusion he doesn't like me and wants to hurt me. Yet mom says he just doesnt know his own strength..he's 40...so not sure how he couldn't. I've literally been bruised by one of his pokes >_>. Then there's the hurtful jokes that go to my way of laughing or talking. Then says he's just joking. It really freaking hurts even whmore n I try not to let it get to me. I've made so many excuses for him and I'm done. I'm still trying though for the sake of my mom but I really don't want to and just tell him to screw off to be perfectly honest. Am I a bad person for wishing him to the lowest pits of hell for all the pain he's given to me? I try not to hate people and I usually don't and forgive so much but he's a person I really really don't want to forgive and I feel horrible for that comment. Sorry I just needed to vent, hope you don't think any less of me for thinking such bad thoughts. God I'm a horrible person

 

I've tried telling my mom and asking her and she does but it doesn't work. She's gotten to the point saying he'll stop eventually or he's just playing and so on. If I tell him to stop he gets mad and tells me to quit giving him attitude and such. Might try and take up karate or something. Thanks for all the suggestions and everything! I really appreciate it and has helped a ton!

 

Well thank you all for all the help it was wonderful. So far it's been we're he's gone before I wake and I'm in bed before he's home. Hopefully this keeps working so I'm not putting any more stress on my mom since if I went back home she wld have to go to grandmas before work and wake up at the crack of dawn. Then again she told me k just need to learn to ignore his hurtful words and looks...but at the same time I feel like I shouldn't have to put up with it but I guess that's life eh? Thanks again to everyone for helping me through this!