I've been depressed for the past 5 or 6 years

The main thing thats been keeping me going is my goals in life. I've been doing good in school, I've got an associates degree in computer science, and I'm working on na bachelors in Information Security. I've also got 5 IT certifications with more to come. That is what has kept my confidence up but lately I have been applying for jobs and I've been getting turned down because I don't have the "experience", which is ridiculous because I've been applying to what I thought were entry level jobs. I've even applied for jobs that have nothing to do with my chosen profession, like the one I applied to at lowes as a retail associate, and I was even denied from there. My motivation is all but gone, and I question why I even keep going with this degree. The one thing that has been propping me up in life is gone and I don't know what to do with myself. I feel useless. All I wanted to do was earn a decent living and help people. And I feel like I can't even do that anymore. My life is a mistake.

 

I would but there are no IT temp agencies here. Most people who live in my town work at the local DOW chemical company or some other oil/chemical company, so the temp agencies mostly hire for construction and the chemical companies. I would try houston but it's 40 minutes away and I don't know how to drive, I haven't really tried it since I'm blind in one eye. I would just move but I have no money. So I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and hard place.

 

I can get a license, and I had a permit before (it got cut because I moved from state to state and I had to get a new state ID), so I'd have to apply for a new one. Idk I want to drive but I'm just kinda terrified of it. I got hit by a car while walking across the street one day a few years back, I received several fractures in my leg and one in my arm, multiple scrapes/bruises and a concussion. It took me 6 months to fully recover and the doctors though at first that I might not walk again, course this was proved wrong fairly quickly. I also lost my uncle john to a car accident and we were really close. I guess events like those have traumatized me into not driving. If I accidentally hit someone one day because of my partial blindness while driving, I would die.

The depression goes even deeper than just the job search though. Most of life was misery for me. I had good times of course but those were few and far between. I don't want to overdramatize anything here, because I know there are plenty of other people who have it much, much worse. The fact is, I feel helpless.

I grew up in the Bronx, in an apartment that was renovated from a basement, with my dad mostly. When I was born I had multiple "defects", I had really bad motor skills, a stutter and speech impediment, horrible eczema that caused me to rip my self apart scratching, blindness in one eye, and growth hormone deficiency. I went to a school called TOTS which was basically a school for disabled kids. I couldn't walk or talk correctly to save my life. Everything I did was awkward for lack of a better word. After years of training on my speech and motor skills throughout TOTS and elementary school, I got a hell of a lot better. Though I got beat up in elementary school because of my differences and because I wore hand me down clothes. Kids in the bronx pretty much demanded that you wear some hip hop brand jeans and sneakers bullshit, else you got beat up, and my family was very close to poverty. I had friends in elementary school though and they got me through it. I remember doing some pretty crazy shit back then too. Good times, sorta. :/

At home, my mom left while I was a small child because of my dads drug addiction which is STILL ruining his life even though he's off of them. My dad got married to my stepmom annie, who raised me for 7 years and was an exceptional mother, except she left at the age of 13 and I never saw her or spoke to her again. This was after many fights, though my dad never hit her or anything. During these early years I received shots every day because of my growth hormone deficiency, this deficiency led to things like how I look so young even today, my height being way below average back then, and how I reached puberty late. It even makes it harder for me to build muscle mass, so if I work out I have to work twice as hard as everyone else, which is demotivating to say the least. The height and youngness (if that's even a word) is my main problem though. Many people think it's a blessing but in actuality it has prevented me from having any kind of intimate relationship with anyone, I always feel like no one wants to date someone that looks like a 12 year old, and that hurts because I know I have matured mentally. The fact is, people aren't very accepting of those who are "different".

Anyway, after my stepmom left I ended up stopping the shots earlier than I was supposed to and my dad started selling things to fuel his habit. I lost everything, my games, console, action figures, tv, radio, and game boy advance (that one punched me in the feels.). I watched my father try to commit suicide one day and I had a nervous breakdown. To add to that, my grandfather would always get into physical fights and shouting matches because of my dads habit. My uncle john died around this time, and I had nightmares about it. One year later 9/11 happened and that too took a toll on me, because I had another uncle working in the area and I couldn't get in contact with him until after I got out of school. During these times video games and friends are the only things that held me together. Eventually my dad had himself committed to a drug detoxification clinic and I ended up staying with my aunt and my bratty spoiled cousin nina who kept trying to make out with me (I said no of course cause eww). This was during my freshman year in high school and things were ok or a time, despite my cousin who isn't all bad I guess. I made friends by adopting hip hop and dressing in ridiculously priced hip hop clothes and freestyle rapping (I was good at this too). I got into fights, I was knocked unconscious once when a very tall girl tripped and fell on me causing me to hit my head very hard on the gym floor, and I snuck into the movies with my friends among other stunts, also good times.

From there I moved to my moms house in florida because she convinced me that it was the best decision, big mistake. My mom was and still is very miserable and bipolar, you could see it on her face. I 'am also very good with telling how someone feels, and her negativity was constantly draining me. I also felt out of place and I felt like my step siblings shunned me. My mom's husband was even worse and was constantly putting me down at every turn. High school sucked (mostly) at that time during my sophomore and junior years and I hung out with some bad elements and some good. Home life was rough and it took a toll on my high school studies as well. I eventually joined an LGBT club because of a friend of mine, and I met the guy I would eventually share my first kiss with. I tried to come out as a bisexual to my mom and the rest of the family (those people in florida anyway. No one here knows, not even my dad) and lets just say it did NOT go well AT ALL. My mom couldn't accept it and my stepbrother and stepfather constantly made fun of me for it. Eventually I made up some bullshit lie about just wanting to fit in to the group and I suppressed my feelings. To this day my mom has never brought up these events again. I also ran away from home unsuccessfully the first time, only to get caught by the cops and my sister days later. The second time, I was successful and I moved back with my dad in NY, thinking he was clean, and he was for a while.

But I swear my senior year was probably the best year of my life. I met EVERYBODY in my school, and they were all cool as fuck. I had two girls that I liked very much. Eva, who I went to church with only to spend time with her, and Gloria who liked me despite having a boyfriend, and she wrote me a love letter in red pen once. Both girls had the body of a goddess and personalities to match, and they were both very hard working and dedicated towards their career goals. At home I didn't have a lot but I had everything I needed. I had my dad, and his new girlfriend Millie who he married and then divorced later down the road. I had my stepbrother and stepsister (Dimitri and Sam). I used to bunk Dimitri in the same, small room which sat next to a train track and a train that would pass by every 30 minutes or so. We would watch movies and play xbox in that room. I had my dad's best friend Michael who was gay and cool as fuck too. He used to come over for dinner in our small apartment in the Bronx, it was the best. My dad and Millie could cook their asses off. I was also completely independent for the first time in my life. Public transportation in NY is excellent and there was absolutely no reason to get a car unless you like sitting in manhattan traffic for hours lmao. So I could go anywhere I wanted, eat wherever I wanted (Mostly), and pretty much do whatever I wanted because I got an SSI check each month and my own bank account which I managed. Life was amazing. I started investigating colleges and I once considered going to the Art Institute in the SOHO art district in manhattan. I wanted to be a graphic designer at the time. Needless to say though, the Art institute costs a metric fuckton of money, around 50K per year. Money which I didn't have and so I decided to go elsewhere. Damn the art institute was nice though. Amazing new facilities and computer labs with the latest tech made me salivate during the college tour. Fun fact, I lost my hat several times during that tour.

As I closed in on graduation, I prepared for my prom which I had a date to, and I didn't even have to ask Eva. It's like she assumed we were going together and she picked out matching outfits lol. Unfortunately, this is about the time I got hit by that car I mentioned earlier. I was crossing the street after getting out of school at about 11am, and I was headed to Micky D's for some lunch. Upon taking two steps onto the street I was immediately knocked the fuck out by something I didn't even see. All I remember is a cut to black, with me waking up on the pavement and confused as fuck. One of the security guards (Gabriel) that worked at the school was eating lunch adjacent to where I got hit and he saw me through the diner window. He immediately rushed to help me and asked for my emergency contact info which I gave him. I tried to get up but my leg felt soo weird, like it didn't function at all, then I passed out again. When I woke up I was being rushed into an operating room and I screamed in pain. I felt bad for the doctor later on because I cursed him out in spanish cuss words that I had no idea I knew. Poor guy. I faded in and out of consciousness before the put me under for surgery. When I woke up, I had several metal rods in my leg held in place by a metal contraption called an ex-fix. This was to hold my bones in place whilst I healed. Needless to say I was confined to a wheelchair for a few before moves to crutches, a cane, and eventually I walked and even ran. The time I was bedridden though was the worst, and it turned me into an introvert. I spent so much time inside it literally drove me nuts. I remember when I tried to play star wars knights of the old republic for xbox, I was infuriated when the game would freeze upon start up. Sleep didn't come easy either despite being bedridden. I got horrible muscle spasms in the my calf which were extremely painful, and the rods that pierced my heel hurt like almighty hell. Despite being in so much pain, I refused to take the vicodin prescription because I took percocet and morphine for the pain while I was in the hospital and the withdrawal from that was HELL. Of course, being bedridden meant that I missed my prom, and I died a little inside when I realized that I couldn't go. It was at this time that I got the love/goodbye letter from Gloria, and I cried because I couldn't be with her. See, I found out a few weeks earlier that my dad had made plans to move with millie to texas to escape his drug habit (he had gone on binges for days at a time soon after I moved to NY with him). He felt that it was his environment that fueled his drug habit, and he needed get away from said environment. One day, randomly in a fit of rage (I think?) he packed up all of our shit into the car and we moved, just like that. I didn't even get to say goodbye to my friends and I still had the ex-fix attached to my leg. Me , my dad, and Dimitri (who was crammed in the backseat with all of our shit) went on a road trip from NY to texas. It was a pretty cool road trip and we caught a flat tire on a highway while passing through Alabama which is beautiful, and we got another tire on the cheap.

We got to little ol' Lake Jackson, TX and for a while we lived in the ritzy sorta of apartment called Ever----something, I forgot the name just now. Everquest? no thats a game, lol whatever. This place was nice and had a really nice pool. Soon after moving I got my ex-fix removed and replaced with a cast. Still couldn't walk but I hopped and used crutches. Eventually I used a cane once I was healed enough to walk and I went to a Thrice concert in houston. It was amazing, once those doors opened I limped my way to the front like nobodies business. I loved seeing thrice and dustin kensrue playing "the earth will shake" solo was something I could never forget. I have the biggest man crush on Dustin.

I also had my first job working at burger king as a cook. Fuck me that job was hell but I got paid and I was happy. I forgot to mention, that the only time I had access to my own SSI check was during my senior year in high school. Any other time and my dad had it and used it for rent, bills or drugs of course. My mom used it for her own gains too. So having a job was my main source of income. I got paid below minimum wage and I always got dish duty at night while everyone else sat on their asses doing nothing. I guess they figured I was the hardest worker and also probably a sucker too. The manager were also drunks (they literally drank on the job) so they were no help. I quit after two week because I moved to some other apartments with my dad in downtown. These apartments were cool, because they were downtown and I could get around instead of sitting in a room all day. There still wasn't much to do though. Dimitri would invite me to parties with his friends and I would awkwardly stand next to a wall sipping a drink or something because I didn't know what to do with myself, while dimitri would bang the first chick he saw at the party. One party did kinda work out though. Once, after his prom, we went to a hotel with his friends and girlfriend for an after party, and I got PLASTERED. It was like one of the hangover movies. It was also my intro to weed and I smoked my first blunt, full of 100% high grade hydro. The rest of that night was a blur but I do know that I was high as fuck. At some point I went to sleep and I woke up with no shirt, and I felt like someone took a sledgehammer to my skull. We all went home that day groggy as hell, which might an understatement.

I smoked a lot of weed with my stepbrother after that until I eventually got caught by my dad after I took a rip from a homemade gravity bong dimitri and I made. He was mad, at first but me and my dad eventually started smoking together. They called me iron lungs Anthony because I never cough lol. Anyway, my dad and millie ended up splitting and getting back together only to split again. Me and my dad ended up getting our own apartment in that complex. Once him and millie got back together, AGAIN, we got a house, same one I live in now.

We stayed in this house for about 3 or 4 years so far. I spent a lot of time in my room because we lived just outside of the city and you need a car to get anywhere. I spent a lot of time on my computer then when I wasn't at school getting my associates. I made some friends there. I also got another job, this time working as a technician at the school. I really liked it, and it was my first step into the IT industry. We ended up having my grandfather stay with us because he was showing the beginning stages of alzheimers.
So I handled school and work, only to come home and work some more to take care of my grandfather. I didn't mind it too much and I really got into my work. Life was decent for a while. I even did gaming LAN parties at my friend house sometimes, and we typically got drunk, and she always kept me up til like 6am lol. Eventually, I graduated college with my associates in computer science, I felt indifferent at the ceremony. It didn't really feel like an accomplishment because classes were easy for the most part (there were exceptions though for sure). I was also sad that I couldn't work at the college anymore because I wouldn't be taking classes. I decided to pursue a bachelors the same day I graduated and my bff maurita suggested I try Western Governors University, an all online school. I signed up for the IT security degree, because I wanted to protect people from the dangers of the internet as a security engineer.

Unfortunately with no job, I would be stuck at home on grandpa duty when I wasn't doing WGU classes or playing a video game.

Eventually, grandpa's condition worsened and this took a toll on all of us because he got to the point where he would urinate on the floor at times, run/walk away from the house and we had to chase him, or try to eat something that wasn't edible. He lost all sense of self. He didn't recognize his own name nor his reflection in the mirror. We had to teach him how to brush his teeth, shower, and eat among other things. And he even got aggressive at times. I then found out that my dad had quit his job after a blowout with his supervisor and he started doing cocaine again. The whole reason we moved to texas was to stop his drug habit, the whole reason I had abandoned my friends was because he couldn't control himself, and now the sacrifice I made was in vain. This sent me over the edge and I decided to move back to florida with my mom. She had sweet talked me AGAIN like last time and convinced me she changed. Nope. After a painful move, I soon found out that she was worse than she used to be. Her relationship with her asshat of a husband was falling apart at the seams, and she needed someone to keep her company. Unfortunately for her, I had kept my addictive habit of sitting on the computer and working or playing that I fostered while living with my dad and I isolated myself from her and her husband because I couldn't stand her constant negativity. I never knew when she was going to snap on me because of something I did or didn't do or forgot to do.
She was extremely controlling too, I couldn't go anywhere without being questioned for an hour. I had to have my plans laid out for her the day before, so If I decided to do something spontaneous, forget it. The only place I could go to without being interrogated was the mall, because I had to go to that area anyway to get my allergy shots. Regardless there wasn't much to do in Pembroke pines, and to get to the fun stuff you had to go to hollywood and miami. My mom pushed me to get out more which I was fine with. However, every time I presented her with an idea of what to do she would shoot it down, with excuses like "it's too far", "not in a good neighborhood", "I don't know the place" blah blah blah. So, instead she said I should join a club or activity that focuses on people with disabilities. I was against this at first because I didn't want to be reminded of my own disabilities. However, she was right, to a point. I ended up joining the lighthouse interfaith group for the blind and I met a girl I fell in love with, Carla. This group had a meeting the first saturday of every month. I liked it, somewhat. I was still pretending to be religious when I clearly wasn't, but it was nice. Speaking of religion, my mom would drag me to church which I hated. I hated the pastor the most. There was a point where he started talking shit about the LGBT+ community, specifically homosexual men. I almost lost my shit. A lot of my best friends are gay and they are some of the sweetest, kindest, most selfless people I have ever met. So when I heard the bullshit pour from this old fart's lips I wanted to run down to that stage and kick the shit out him until someone pulled me off. I wanted to break my knuckles on his face, and I'm not a violent person.
Naturally, I kept my cool and only gave him the meanest scowl I could muster.

Moving on, eventually mom decided that the lighthouse wasn't enough. So I joined a goalball team in miami. I also got a transportation service for people with disabilities to get me to most places within distance limits. TOPs (the service) took me to the bus station in miami and from there I took the city bus to the NFL yet center where coach jodi held practices and games. Goalball was my shit. I made instant friends that day. They showed me the ropes and I learned quick. Finally I found a sport that I was not good, but GREAT at. I felt powerful when I played goalball, and I fell in love with it. Unfortunately, I only got to go to a few practices and I missed some (my fault). During this time I also dated Carla. We always had a good time and on our first date she told me that she thought we were meet each other because of how we met. She said she really liked me but because she has been burned she asked if I would stay friends for a year and see where it goes from there. I fully respected her wishes, and we kept hanging out as friends.

So, my mom decides that I still wasn't doing enough on top of my school work, goalball, dating, lighthouse, and visiting friends houses. So I join this disabled persons YMCA group in miami. It wasn't bad but It really wasn't for me, even though I loved the counselor, she was one of the nicest people I have ever met and the other staff were really cool too. After a while of going to this thing I decide its not for me and I quit. Mom didn't care for this, she wanted me to do other things but whatever plan I came up with would get shot down with haste. She really sent me over the edge one day. I made plans a week in advance to go out to celebrate 4th of july with carla and I was going to tell her how I felt then and there. So I tell my mom a week in advance and she says ok. Mind you I'm freakin 27 and I'm asking my mother for permission to go somewhere. So a week rolls by and I remind mom the day before that I'm going and I'm about to schedule transportation when she drops the bomb on me. She tells me that she didn't know I had 4th of july plans and she wanted to go see some shitty fireworks with me. I remind her that I made these plans a week in advance and she says I can't go anyway. And I know this is my last chance to tell Carla how I felt and I was right. She gave up on me. I flipped on facebook only to be greeted with a relationship status, Carla decided to get with some other guy. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was at a new low, I loathed myself and I hated my mother for causing me to miss my chance to finally have a relationship with someone I love. All because she was selfish. I proceeded to get into many heated arguments with mom thereafter and I decided to move again, back to texas, back to my dad's house because I couldn't deal with her shit anymore after only a year. My dad had convinced me that my grandfather was what was causing the discourse in the family, and grandpa had passed away while I was in florida. I stupidly move back only to end up in another shitty situation, the one I 'am in right now.

It's been 4 1/2 months since I moved from florida. Everything was okay at first. My dad had a job as a floor tech at a hospital, he got paid shitty wages but it was still a job. He rented the empty rooms in the house to other people to keep up with the mortgage. However, somehow as I would find out later, he fell behind. Now I understand that he might fall behind a little during the period that I left taking my SSI check with me, the one that was helping him pay the mortgage, but I found out that in a year accumulated a total debt of $90,000. How the fuck does owe $90,000 in a year!!! And he eventually quit his job, which he knows I know, but he hasn't admitted it yet. I'm in debt too because I took out a loan to help him pay the electricity. To matters worse, he started using an old credit card that belonged to grandpa, and somehow the bank found out that grandpa passed away. Now theres a chance that my dad could go to jail. He's been freaking out about it since he found out. He keeps saying "you don't know how screwed we are!" I don't know? Really? I know everything that goes on here even if I don't say anything. Every time he stresses or freaks out he takes it out on me too. Me and him got into a HUGE blowout this morning, and I can't stand it anymore. He's has always done this too ever since I was child, even my mom does it to a degree. Everytime they get stressed, I'm the scapegoat, and I'm sick of it.

And as if it couldn't get bad enough, our washing machine is broken too. My dad had let my brother and his kids stay for a while until he could find a place, and the last day of his stay, somehow, he ends up breaking the goddamn washing machine.

Fuck my life.


I have had thoughts of ending my existence, but I KNOW life has to be better than this, it has to. SO, somehow, someway, I'm going to figure out a way to move to san antonio and get my own place. My bff lives there now so maybe she can help me. I'll call her tomorrow.

if you read all that you my friend, are a champion.


Sorry for the book, this was supposed to be shorter but once I started writing I started remembering things and it became a book.


tl;dr


Also, sorry for any spelling, grammar errors. Shouldn't be a a lot but it's a lot to proofread and it's 2am here.

---------- Post added 20th Dec 2014 at 12:46 AM ----------

Also, as far as jobs go, I've been applying for everything I'm qualified for since the OP, no response.

 

Thank you for the kind words, like you said once I started writing I couldn't stop until everything was off my chest. It took me like an hour or two to get all that down. Sorry again for grammatical errors, I was getting sleepy. Honestly I post here on EC because right now I feel like I have no one to talk to. It felt like a boulder had been lifted off of me when I wrote down how I felt here. Thank you for reading all of that. Also, I would like to talk to a therapist, I just don't know of any in the area.