I've had a day from hell. I've no one to talk to or share this with to make me feel better. So I'm afraid this post is a shameless request for someone, anyone really to help me out a little. To sum up what's been going on, yesterday my mum took my brother's hamster to the vets and it had to be put down. He should have taken her himself really. He's 25, has transport, lives alone and is supposedly 'independent' but he relies on my mum to do everything for him. She takes care of his business accounts, she makes sure there's money in his accounts to pay his bills, she's been organizing the sale of his house, she sometimes does his food shopping and cleaning for him. I think secretly she enjoys it despite her complaints because if it weren't for her busying herself in other people's lives, she wouldn't really have a lot to do. She has a job that's only 5 hours a week, she is constantly miserable and arguing with my dad. They hate each other. As you can imagine, it's hardly a barrel of laughs living here with them and my sister who is forever complaining that we aren't a 'normal' family. And guess who gets the blame for that? Me. So back to yesterday, my mum had to get this hamster put down and my brother didn't handle the news well. He was angry, chucking stuff about and in a foul mood. He admitted that he was angry and it was because of the hamster. He said that's the way he deals with it and told my mum he'd probably punch his face later. :confused2: Not entirely sure what he meant by that but anyway, my mum starts crying saying that now she feels guilty for taking the hamster to the vets and letting them put it down. She said there's something 'wrong' with all of us (i.e. me, my brother and sister) because we're all depressed to some degree and struggle with emotional stuff. She says it certainly didn't come from her side of the family and she did everything right when we were growing up etc. etc. Of course, that's pretty subjective but in her eyes she was the perfect mother. So we had a massive drama going on last night. My sister was threatening to quit her post grad course and get pregnant instead to give my mum the 'normal' happy family she always wanted. I was trying to help by explaining that the vets sad it was unfair to let the hamster suffer and she didn't really have a choice about it. As usual, my mum didn't listen to me but when my sister basically said the same thing, she took notice. Annoying, but I was just glad she was out of her mood. So today, it seemed to have all blown over and I was feeling quite positive. I've really started making progress in the last few weeks to get my life in order and I'd checked in with my mental health support worker yesterday who could see the progress I'd made. Went off to my counselling appointment this morning. That went well too. Came back feeling ok but then my mum returned from work and we ended up having an argument. I only asked her a question about which way she was driving this afternoon and she cut in saying ' You KNOW which way I go'. Actually, I didn't. (I have to take blame for this because then I started getting defensive and probably fanned the flames but I hate it when my mum speaks to me in exactly the same way she treats my dad.) I said I had no idea which way she drives and I told her I was fed up of her accusing me and always cutting in before she let's me even finish what I was going to say which means she always gets the wrong end of the stick. So basically it escalated from there and my mum started shouting 'You've got real problems! You always blame everyone else! Have you ever taken a look at yourself?! You're never going to get along with anyone in life! And then you wonder why none of us get on with you!' Only this morning had I just admitted to my counsellor that I have problems getting along with people and was planning to attend a course on improving relationships but I was reluctant to tell my mum about this because every time I give her just the littlest bit of info on my weaknesses, she uses them to attack me. For example, now whenever we get into an argument, regardless of who may be at fault (perhaps it's her, perhaps it's me, perhaps it's both of us), according to her it's now only ever my fault. She just says, 'Oh it's because you've got Asperger's!' 1. I haven't actually had the official diagnosis yet, though I'm sure I have it. 2. She never suspected it before. No one did apart from me. 3. It has NOTHING to do with whether or not I have bloody Asperger's. Reluctantly, I told my mum that I know I have issues with people and she said, 'Well you know what you can do if that's how you are. Get out of this family!' She told me to leave and have nothing further to do with them. Then she stormed off. I don't know whether she meant this or just said it in the heat of the moment. When she gets home, I could be chucked out for all I know but since then, for the rest of the day I've felt consumed by anger. I tried going for a walk. I went into town but the anger wouldn't leave me. It followed me everywhere and without meaning to, I took it out on other people so everywhere I went, everybody was mad at me. Everywhere I looked, there were people getting along with each other and enjoying the run up to Christmas whereas I can't get along with anybody and my anger just kept building. I wanted to cut so bad because I was so angry with myself so I drew on my arm to put off cutting. My head felt like it was going to explode. I got home not long ago and started to cry. It has eased a bit of the tension but I still can't shake this horrible mood. I don't even feel like I'm entitled to be angry about anything because I'm supposed to be a man and as my mum constantly tells me, I can't be a man if this is how I behave. Men don't have emotions. I'm supposed to be the 'strong and silent' type while women are the ones entitled to all the emotions and are free to express them. I'm supposed to just suck it all up and be fucking grateful and happy with my loneliness. I'm so fucking pissed off. I really apologise for this rant but I've got nowhere else to offload. I really wanted to ring my counsellor for some advice on how to get rid of this anger but I didn't want to bother her. I shouldn't even be feeling this way. Now I'm worried I'm going to be homeless. I don't know what to do.
I think for your own health reason it would be best for you to find your own place. This doesn't sound like a very healthy environment for you.. It may be a little hard a first but i know you can do it
Sounds like your mother has codependency issues, and has some sort of personality disorder . I am no doctor but maybe you guys should seek some family therapy together at a minimum.
That's my goal but I have been very ill with depression over the last year so it's taking me longer than I hoped. I'm not yet in a position (mentally and emotionally) to work full time so I can afford my own place. My biggest concern is that it's me at fault here. What if I could and should be getting along fine with my family but I'm not because I'm being unreasonable by expecting them to support me being trans? I always neglect to think how unfair and difficult it is for my family but I can't live as female. It would kill me. ---------- Post added 16th Dec 2014 at 06:29 PM ---------- My mum would refuse therapy. She's been offered help before but turned it down. In fact, once she gatecrashed my appointment with the GP as in came along with me to my appointment and asked if she could see a doctor for support 'cos it's not fair on her me being trans.
Boy, she sounds like a handful, and extremely selfish a that. This sounds like you have a mother that is incapable of being supportive. Based on what you have said thus far, you should not take any blame yourself, other than to become responsible for your own life and, as The Virgo suggested, set a goal to move out.
Don't let your depression hold you back in life take it by its hair and fuck it And its not your fault they're acting like toddlers and don't you think that. Dont let the shit they say bring you down hold that head off and shake it off
I think that at this point that you need to look for resources in your area so that you can get out of there. I'm sure that being in that situation is not helping your depression any. It sounds like your family is pretty suffocating, and that is not a healthy situation for anybody to be in. As for the events that have unfolded recently, it is not your fault. They may blame you for it, but it is nothing that you have done.
Thanks. I appreciate the support. I know that if I think about things rationally, I am doing everything I can at the moment to try and improve my situation. The problem is it just takes time because I'm on waiting lists and stuff and also, I can't 'change' over night.
You might ask Patrick, hes's from uk also, he might know what kinds of help are available... there might be intermediates who help to talk and mediate, for example... (*hug*)(*hug*)
The other users here pretty much covered it, but my situation at home can be very similar to this sometimes. My mother suffers from pretty severe Borderline Personality Disorder, so that doesn't help much. I really hope your situation improves, and feel free to message me if you ever need additional support!
Maybe we should start a support group for survivors of BPD parents! I am sure there are plenty of us out there.
I'm just trying to keep going and hope I can get through the Christmas and new year period. It was my birthday yesterday which is another occasion I hate. What made it worse is that my family still insist on sending me very girly cards. My mum said 'I'm sorry but I'm not sending cards with blue on and stuff. I'm not having that.' I understand that it must be difficult for them and I do feel guilty but it was very invalidating and in some ways slightly hurtful knowing that it was my birthday yet my mum was thinking more about how she felt about sending the card than how I might feel receiving it. My brother and sister didn't even say happy birthday to me this year, let alone send a card so I'm guessing Christmas will be the same. I half expect them to throw the gift cards I got them back in my face.:icon_sad:
Arghhh I'm feeling really bad again. My mum has just told me how upset she was when she she was choosing my birthday card. She says she doesn't know me anymore. I'm still here. She just doesn't care to notice. :icon_sad: Another thing, my mum and sister are constantly complaining about their living situation. My sister has the box room of the house and she's struggling for space while she's studying for her teacher training course. My mum hates sharing a bedroom with my dad. As I have one of the bigger bedrooms and I'm not sharing it with anyone else, I have the most space but I can't help feeling that my mum and sister's constant complaints are in some way an indirect way of them displaying their anger towards me. The thing that I don't understand is that my sister knew she was going to be living in that room for the year yet despite having a grant of over £20,000 she didn't arrange alternative accommodation. I just feel like a metaphorical human punch bag for all their anger and discontentment. I'm really struggling emotionally. I find it difficult to know what I feel or how to release pent up negative emotions. Instead they take a toll on my physical health and its only then that I notice that something is bothering me.
Your family sounds very selfish and controlling to me. How you live your life has absolutely nothing to do with them, and you don't need to feel guilty about wanting to be yourself and make your own life choices. Seriously, how does your gender struggle affect them directly? Unless they're the ones going through transition, it doesn't! They're the ones choosing to make it "their" problem. My family could be pretty toxic sometimes. If you really need to live there for a while, you'll probably have to put up with it, but it might help to remember that the problem lies with them and not with you.
There are no perfect parents. Of course there are limits at which point one can become an unacceptable parent, but as for for perfect, well sorry, never. The job is simply not that easy as to carry out without making any mistakes, and your mother would have made a fair few, as all parents do. Just to clarify, not to apportion blame. I don't know if you are the 'middle child' but if you are, it might explain a bit, about being 'the scapegoat' and I would certainly be able to relate. In any case, don't take it on. Family dynamics can be a complicated mess, and the feelings that arise can be hard to deal with in a clear-headed way, when one is actually living with one's family. I only began to see the true level of dysfunctionality after I moved out of home, and got my own place.
I think Damien said something very important for your situation; '...don't take it on.' As a parent I can tell you that I believe that *most* can be classified as doing the best they can. There's obviously a spectrum from great parents to those who should never have had kids. I don't know where yours would fall in that spectrum, but there is a point in everyone's life where that actually no longer matters. Sounds like your mom is failing you in a very big way now. You have every right to feel the pain this causes. To feel the abandonment, the callousness, and disappointment in those who are supposed to be your biggest supporters. Whatever your mom's issues are, they are not for you to take on. They are not for you to solve nor should you have to be held down by them, not any more. I would make sure you communicate thoroughly with the professionals who are guiding you and have them assist you in making your plans to leave as others have said. I would suggest taking with you all the good memories you have. You sound like a thoughtful and intelligent person so they must have done something right. Leave all of their issues behind - they are not yours to carry around and use to either beat yourself up or as an excuse not to move forward. Yes this is all easier said than done... but have no doubt that you can do it. Go have the brilliant life you deserve. We're all cheering you on. -AG
Your mother sounds like she has some serious issues herself, and should definitely be working on those. Those do not reflect on you, and are in no way your fault. I know it's hard, but you have to try to ignore her. If she attacks you verbally-don't get into a heated argument with her, just nod and ignore it. Then head out. Talk to a friend, call your counselor, find a support group-find people who will support and care for you. You don't deserve this. Furthermore, you are not at fault. You are taking control of things and working on it. Do you understand how strong that makes you? I would definitely start looking for alternative living situations.
Thank you so much for the replies. It does get difficult to see the situation objectively when you get so tangled up in everybody else's issues but you have helped me see things more clearly. I do need to continue living here for the time being but I am working on building myself back up so that I'm as strong again, if not stronger than I was before. I had an induction for my new voluntary job today and I start properly next month and plan to be out as trans. I'm beating myself up a bit for not having come out straight away but I suppose I did well to even go along today considering how ill I've been in the last year. I'm also hoping to attend some courses to help me improve my social skills and confidence next month and I should be starting group therapy in the new year to help me with my issues. I'm not the middle child. I'm the eldest, but definitely feel like a scapegoat. Don't get me wrong, my parents haven't been bad parents. I feel like I have painted an unfair picture because they have always looked after us, probably too much but they are and always have been rather suffocating and have not really allowed us to find our own way. I feel the main area they have let us down in though is on the emotional side of things. They never really paid much attention to how we might feel about things growing up. For example, when I was bullied at school I couldn't talk to my parents about it. My dad thought it was funny and my mum would just go in all guns blazing like a bull in a china shop and complain to the school. I also never felt I could talk to my mum about my orientation and the worst of it was, when I did tell her I had thought that she would probably say she had suspected it but she never did. It made me feel like all those years she never paid any attention to my embarrassment when people would ask if I had a boyfriend and how I always avoided the subject. :icon_redf
