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TIL: The love of my life is straight

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by foreversadness, Dec 17, 2014.

  1. foreversadness

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    So I met this guy in class about 2 years ago -- and to be honest, didn't think much of it. He approached me after class and we had a conversation about physics. After that, I noticed he would stare at me in class and look away if I caught him. He would approach me and seemingly try to flirt with me, he would at one moment be shy and at the next try to impress me. Anyway, he showed me every sign in the book... you name it, he showed it. Eventually I allowed him in and we became friends. When I first saw him, to be honest I thought he seemed like a bit of an insensitive bro. How horribly wrong I was -- me and him got along fabulously and as I got to know him I found him to be one of the most inspiring and unique individuals I've ever met -- a true one of a kind, full of vitality and life that I've never really seen before; he had a love and empathy for everyone he'd ever met, his relationship with his sibling's and parent's was... beautiful... might sound ridiculous, but he truly is an incredible human being. Probably the sweetest person, most fun person I've ever met.

    Anyway, back to the story, we met up again at the start of the next semester and would sometimes study together. He still seemed nervous around me and would awkwardly stare/look away and just generally show interest. By his behaviour, I made the horrible assumption that he was a closet case who was "secretly" into me. Over the next year, we continued being friends and I learned more and more about him, and frankly... though nothing really was ever sexual or romantic, I fell deeper and deeper in love with him. The profundity of my emotional attachment is ineffable. He was so ambiguous about his sexuality this entire time. He never talked about women, about being in a relationship, he was single the entire time... again I chalked this up to him being a closet case.

    Fast forward to two days ago, when a (girl)friend of my was showing me her ti-nder, and flicking through matches just for the fun of it. And lo and behold, there he is, he comes up as a match on my friend's Tind-er. I couldn't believe it. He was straight. No closet case would ever make a Tind-er account and use it. He didn't know her so we opened up a conversation (he matched with her... great...) and started talking to him... once again he proved himself to be so sweet thru even a text conversation. Eventually we told him who I was, which he was surprised to hear. He told me over T-inder: "I'm cool with gay people and I suppose everyone might be a little bit flexible, but I've never had the desire to be with a man, ever". That's exactly how every truly straight person I've met has described their heterosexuality. his honestly was undeniable.
    My heart shattered. I had always been too shy to confront him about how I feel, and always assumed he was too afraid to confront me about my feelings as well. Well the next day I did, and he told me that he was indeed fully straight, always has been, but that he still loved me deeply and wanted me in his life. I thanked him for his honesty, went home and balled my eyes out. He never knew I was gay either because I'm a closet case. I'm such a coward.

    I know it sounds ridiculous, but I was/am completely head over heels with this man; I thought of him as the love of my life. He has every quality I've wanted in a man; on top of this, he's probably the best looking man I've ever seen. Unbelievably handsome. The fact is that I'll never find someone as good as him in my entire life, there's just no chance of it ever happening. I was hopelessly devoted to him even though we were just friends. I made a (gay) ****** account just to see what else is out there, and it literally made me cry. for these years (and now) I've been completely unable to see anyone else in a sexual/romantic sense other than him -- I had no relationships, sought after no one other than him, and became basically emotionally devoted to him; not by my own choosing, but rather by my nature. My degree of my love and respect for him, to be honest, is not something that everyone gets to experience in their life... I sincerely believe that.

    The pain I'm in now is unbearable. When I lie in bed at night, my body starts shaking uncontrollably. I pull myself into the fetal position. I can't stop thinking about him. I've thrown up several times. Life feels so empty -- I can't even listen to music, watch TV or have a conversation; I have no interest in anything. I want to scream.

    So the truth of his "flirty" behaviour was of course that he was just the most friendly person one could ever come across. He had a sincere interest in me as a friend, he also saw me as a rare find and therefore did what he could to secure me as a friend. all those signs of attraction I read too much into; all for naught. he's just loving with everyone.

    I don't know how to get over this heartbreak. I suppose I'm posting this solely because I need to get it out there, and that I need some sympathy and people to say things to me. I honestly don't think I can ever love again. I honestly think that objectively speaking, I'll never meet someone of his caliber again. That was it. Every other person will be a facsimile of the romance I had for him. It's like meeting anyone extremely unique; you feel so blessed that you get to know them, and simultaneously sad for the fact that when they're gone you're never going to meet anyone like them ever again. And you may say I will, but time has told me he's the rarest of beasts.

    tbh, it really on my end is the perfect storm of stupidity. I feel unbelievably stupid. I've wasted so much time and energy being secretly in love with this man that I lived in my own little fantasy world. I have to go from seeing him almost everyday to basically cutting him completely out of my life. the pain, the pain...

    TLDR: guy I fell deeply in love with (the most handsome man I've ever met, I wish I could share pictures) who for some reason I convinced myself was gay actually turned out to be straight and now I'm utterly shattered.
    thanks for anything you guys have to say.
    and sorry for the wall of text.
     
    #1 foreversadness, Dec 17, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2014
  2. The Virgo

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    One thing your not stupid so get that out of your head (*hug*) He sounds like a really good friend you're a lucky guy to have a friend thats ok with your being gay and still treats you the same. Sadly he sounds straight.. But remember there are other guys out in the world just like him even gay and bi. I think the best way to get over him is to look at him as a brother and maybe go to a few social places for gays ( bars,events,meetings ) to be around more lgbt members and find some friends of that group as well
     
  3. Michael

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    I have read everything, every single words you wrote. I just wanted to tell you, if you really love him, you have to tell him about how you feel. Tell him. Risk it.
    you don't have anything to lose, and maybe you could win something... I started a relationship with someone "straight", who found out after kissing that being "curious" is nothing to be ashamed of.
    I would risk it, big time : Go together for a few drinks and just risk it.
    The other option is suffering. If you must suffer, then make sure you really have something to be ashamed of, because loving someone is not a shame. Just risk it, man...
     
  4. Sapphire

    Sapphire Guest

    I feel for you, I really do. Straight crushes are one of the first struggles a gay person has to deal with, and it's tough, especially in cases like yours where you're convinced that they feel the same way but then you find out that they're actually just "nice". I've been in similar situations before, and it's not fun at all. As for what you're going through right now, heartbreak does these things to people. It's alright to feel hurt, just have faith in that your feelings will eventually run their course and that you will emerge from this experience as a stronger person, which you will.
     
  5. MrPotato

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    So sorry to read about your situation OP.

    It truly sucks that you invested so much time into this friendship that led you to a broken heart. But like other posters have advised, you are truly lucky to have a friend like him.

    I know it's probably not what you want to hear... but it's what we (as a 3rd party POV) see as a benefit of this situation. The best thing to do is to distance yourself from this person, although someone suggested that you might try to "persuade" him into trying something with you.

    The problem there is, he might get freaked out by having a guy who he considers a good friend (possibly best friend?) come on to him... and it could potentially terminate your friendship. I believe you DO have very much to lose if your attempt fails.

    story time: I have known a gay guy from my hometown for about 2 years now. We met online, and have never met in person. I loved him very much because... just like you, he was the guy who made my heart beat faster. We spent so many days and hours just chatting about random things.

    Long story short... he found someone last year and well... they did things. The worst part was when he shared those experiences with me. I felt my heart break into a million pieces every time he would talk about his boyfriend.

    To this day, I remain in contact with him... he's no longer in a relationship (not like it matters). I still cherish his friendship because I think he knows me better than anyone in know IRL.

    The point of my little story is for you to have something to reflect upon? (idk if that's the correct terminology but i hope u get what i'm trying to convey).... I mean... imagine loving someone who you know is gay, but you can never have.

    back on topic: time will heal your wounds. I hate that phrase... but it is the only thing guaranteed in this little piece of advice.

    also, don't completely push new guys you meet out of your life because they don't compare to "the guy"... i mean, that's the beauty of people... everyone has something special about them.

    This isn't a mistake... it's an experience... and you are heartbroken... and you will heal and move on with time. Good luck :slight_smile: