Issues With Vulnerability

Hi folks,

I haven't written on here in a little while, but I'm lost as to whom else to turn to. I'll update since everyone since my last posts and what issues bring me here today.

This past summer I found the courage to come out to four friends. I was so scared to do it that I couldn't physically say the words: I'm gay. I had to write them on a letter to my first friend in order to get my message across.

The person that received the letter was a good friend I've known now for two years, and someone I've grown much attached to. I came out to him first because I think I love him.

After coming out to him, we went out to dinner to discuss my coming out experience (he is gay also) and talk through some personal things. I found out at this dinner that he did in fact like someone, another mutual friend of ours... :eusa_doh:

That night I felt completely crushed, but I did later help him get a date with our mutual friend because I care deeply for him and wanted him to be happy. Following that dinner, the only reason I came out to my other three friends was because I was heartbroken and needed to voice my sadness before I self-imploded.

Fast forward to the school year, August rolls around and I notice I have difficulty in most social settings. I begin having panic attacks in class, stop eating and can't sleep at night. I've had issues with anxiety and depression in the past year, but these past four months the effects intensified greatly. I began to think about suicide and sought counseling from an on-campus counselor

I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and need medication to function most days. Without my medication, I cry hysterically in bed, can't even take a shower or find the reason to get on with my life. Each week I see my therapist (who's my guardian angel) and together we've found the root of my problems.

My parents are homophobic. When my older sister came out to them 16 years ago, they shunned her, cursed her out and stopped paying for her college. To this day, they still won't recognize her girlfriend of 2.5 years and continue to say homophobic slurs around us in the house. When I confronted them on why they never mentioned her sexuality to me until I was 18, they lashed out at me and told me they never want to know if I'm gay also-- they literally said keep it to yourself. This is why my sister rarely comes home and why we never developed enough of a bond to talk about personal issues-- we're also 14 years a part in age, so we basically grew up as only children.

On top of that, two summers ago I was in an horrific traffic accident that nearly killed me. My insurance company left me with the bill, and now I'm stuck with almost $10,000 worth of hospital payments plus student loans before I even graduate. Some of my bills have also gone into collection as well. It's a joy to finish an exam you didn't do well on and then have to fight a bill collector on your walk home...:***:

These factors, on top not being comfortable with myself make me incredibly sad to be alive at times, and I feel embarrassed to even develop feelings for anyone because I feel my life is so fucked up. Lately, I've been really thinking about the friend I came out to, and I can't stop the feelings I have for him. Every time we're together I want to tell the whole world I'm gay and that I'd be with him in a heartbeat, but I fear what would happen to me if I'm caught and have to face all of my issues alone.

I'm writing to ask if I should follow my heart or just wait until I'm more stable? My friend is a senior in college and about to possibly move away for grad school. I'm still very fragile at times and have difficulty accepting things about myself that are crucial to a strong relationship, but if given the chance to be with him, I think I can make it through. I know his date with our mutual friend didn't work out, and we get along quite well. My only concern is if I'm rejected again after trying to be so vulnerable, I don't know if I can take it this time around.

This all is very confusing for me, and I've hit a wall in my coming out process. Lately, I've been trying to accept myself and keep coming to this issue in my journey. I just don't know whether to stay in the closet for now or pursue this chance and try to be more of myself. My therapist even told me that this may not be the right time, but I'm tired of not sleeping at night thinking about him. I feel like I just have to know.

Sorry if this all is very sappy. These feelings/issues are coinciding with me studying for finals, and I just have to get them out before I go home for three weeks to my homophobic parents and pretend to be something I'm not to save face. If you have any advice on how to get through this, I'd really appreciate it.

Thanks & God Bless

 

Thank you both for your comments!

My family has a very dysfunctional relationship. I should say that I love everyone in my immediate family dearly. My sister and I don't really get the chance to see each other often because she's been traveling for work since I was in Kindergarten. Currently, she's working overseas and won't be back in the United States until 2016. I'm trying to get better personally so I can develop a deeper relationship with her once she's back. It's one my main goals in therapy.

My parents are a bit of an issue. They've been meaning to get a divorce for years, but can't because of having me and recent financial difficulties. For most of my life my mom and I have been like friends, but the older I get the more I realize how hurtful her words and ideas are.

There are times when she's an amazing mother, but there are other times when she uses gay slurs and even told me flat out not to tell her or my father if I'm gay. I feel terrible to cut her off because I know she doesn't have any friends, siblings or a husband to go to as an emotional crutch, but at the same time I don't want to stay around something so negative. My sister often says I'm the only person she has left, and I feel terrible thinking about leaving her.

As for my bills...where do I begin? The hospital only covered some of the costs, but is still giving us the run around for most of the bill. The ambulance and two of the doctors I saw after the accident are under private contracts and don't offer opportunities to get public funding. They're the ones who won't work with me and put the bills up for collection.

Two years prior to the accident, my mother lost her job and our health insurance. The auto company only covered some of the costs and the rest we've been at the mercy of the hospital and debt collectors who take advantage of loopholes in the system to charge us where insurance companies won't help. Whoever says the American healthcare system isn't messed up needs to talk with me...

I had a good conversation with my therapist Friday and now understand that a relationship isn't something I can force or may be ready for now. It's just sometimes lonely fighting all of these issues alone and not knowing if you'll ever have anyone. I just wish I wasn't always living in fear.

Thank you all for reading and responding. It’s nice to know there are people who care.