This will probably be my first and only post on this site, it might be too long to read for some of you but for those that do I'd really appreciate your advice. So I'll start. Just over a year ago in my second year of college I noticed this guy in the same building as me. I'd only noticed him in second year even though he was always there. Right away I found him incredibly handsome. By looking at him you could tell he was eastern European and into sports, I quickly forgot about him because I just thought I'd never see him in my building again, how wrong I was. I noticed him around more and more and I found out he was studying a course in my building. I knew nothing about him, no name, we had no mutual friends, no method of contact. I don't know if it was just in my head but I felt both us making eye contact with each other, this would happen quite occasionally if I remember correctly, it could of been just that awkward eye contact between two people but it happened a lot and this led to me developing a crush on him. He kept to himself when he was around his friends, didn't seem very loud/outspoken and this enhanced the attraction for me. So I decided that right before the Christmas break (this time last year) I was going to give him a note telling him I like him, I didn't know how I was going to get the courage to go near him because he was always with his classmates but by some divine miracle he got up from his chair in the canteen and walked right past me by himself. I stopped him to hand him the note but panicked and said 'It's from my friend', basically saying it was from a girl. I was just so scared at what I was doing. I hadn't felt this for another guy before and I completely freaked myself out when I stopped him. I didn't know if he was gay, he didn't know about me, it was crazy in my mind haha. Anyway, later that night after I'd given up hope of getting any sort of text, I got one after midnight say 'To the secret admirer, I don't know who you are but I'm not single,sorry'. I don't know why but I had a feeling he wasn't single so I continued texting him, always friendly pestering him in a way, kind of harmless fun. He kept saying i shouldn't be doing this because he was in a 'relationship' but i didn't pay attention. He would say things like 'Surely there are other guys you like, you shouldn't waste your time on me'. Eventually he dropped the act and admitted he didn't have a girlfriend and that it was just to deter me. Anyway after about 2 weeks of trying to break down his barriers of talking to me we eventually started getting on really well, and I mean really well, talking for hours almost every night over our Christmas break by text. He didn't know who was texting him I might add and I presumed he thought I was a girl. I always tried to weave in the fact that I was a guy by just talking the way guys talk. He asked me multiple times if I was a girl but I always avoided the question. I asked him one night if he was gay and he said 'Do I look gay?'. But like I said we really were becoming connected to each other, I don't know how to describe it but it was amazing talking to him and I sensed he felt the same way by the things he was telling me. At one point he admitted to feeling lost/soul searching and stuff like that. I asked him how he'd feel if I was a guy and word for word he said 'I probably wouldn't mind, it would be weird but I'd really like to know who you are'. The talking continued but I began to feel really bad incase he actually did think that I was a girl, I just felt him really getting attached to the idea of who I might be. So one night, we were back at college at this point, I decided to tell him that I was a guy and he caged up again, obviously. He was very hesitant to talk to me from that point on. He eventually find out who I was all along so it kind of made it awkward seeing each other in college. He accused me of being gay but I denied it because I was so scared. I know that he didn't tell anyone in the college about the whole thing either. I tried to apologise multiple times face to face. He was up for meeting me at first but then completely 180'd and didn't want anything to do with me. After multiple times trying to apologise by text and another try before the summer on Facebook he eventually blocked me on it. Obviously I was really upset and heartbroken over this but I kind of only had myself to blame, I shouldn't of lied. It sucked everyday seeing him in college and knowing how he 'felt' about me. He never told me exactly how he felt about the whole thing thought. Initially he thought it was all a big joke on him between me and my friends and that just made me feel terrible and I assured him that was not the case. So a few weeks went past of awkwardness but from time to time I still noticed him looking at me when he thought I wouldn't notice, and this happened a lot. One that stood out for me was a graduation ball toward the end of the semester, he was at it. At one point I was on the dance floor and I turned my head to look round and I seen him walking away but looking right back at me as he left. This, like I said was an frequent thing that happened. Anyway summer came, I thought 'Out of sight, out of mind' but that didn't help at all. I don't think a day went past when he has not been in my thoughts at least once since I told him who I was. Back at college this semester the staring continued, he just be awkward around me, sometimes deliberately avoiding me but more often than not looking at me when he thought I wouldn't notice. I just let it continue until one night I went onto my linkedIn page. I never go on it, only when I'm bored and I found out that he was viewing my profile on it. Out of all the things to search me on, LinkedIn lol. I was confused because this was a guy that said he wanted nothing to do with me but then this? LinkedIn is the only thing I know that tracks viewers so there could be more, I don't know. I sent him a text, in a sort of aggressive tone, which more than likely result in the response i got. I said ' Let me get this straight, you avoid me like i have ebola and say you want nothing to do with me but stare me out of it in college and view my profiles'. He basically said that clearly I didn't get the message to leave him alone and that the staring meant nothing. He never addressed the question about looking at my profiles though. I just let it pass and didn't know what to think but the looking at me when he thinks I'm not noticing still continues. I just want to know if should actually just tell him I like him, because I think it will give me some closure over the whole situation if I do but obviously I'm scared of the rejection aspect. I really don't know what to do but all I know is that I actually like him, don't know why but I just do. Any opinions would be greatly appreciated. Anything you want clarified just ask Side Notes: He’s never been in a relationship. I googled his name and one point and found a dating profile for him. He had only made it recently when I found it and and at the top it said 'Straight Girl's Only'. He eventually deleted the entire thing about 2 weeks later and it was a pretty in depth profile big profile to just delete all of a sudden. He also had a Steam account and in the bio it said 'Straight To Da Core' He eventually changed that too. The only thing that makes me doubt that he isn't gay is that he sometimes favourites pictures of girls butt's on twitter, but those butt's are pretty nice lol.
First of all, I hope you will consider making more postings on Empty Closets. This needn’t be the only time you post. You are very welcome here, especially if you are experiencing confused feelings about your sexuality. We’re not here to put you under any pressure. It was a long posting, but I guess you needed to say everything and put your thoughts and feelings out there. That’s okay – I read it all. I can’t promise to offer you any great or meaningful advice, but I’ll give you my thoughts and you can respond, if you wish. In the first instance, I think your crush was reticent and really had little interest in discovering who his secret admirer was, but your decision to keep texting clearly stimulated his interest and very possibly his ego. I’m sure he was flattered (who wouldn’t be) and the weeks of texting will have increased his curiosity. It’s entirely possible that your attraction remains a point of interest to him, but it’s much less clear if it translates into anything serious or more meaningful. If you had revealed your gender during the texting exchanges, he might have left it there, but now he knows who you are it’s more difficult for him to ignore you. You made it difficult for him, but you have also made it difficult for yourself. Of course, none of this dismisses the possibility that he may have feelings for you. His interest in your LinkedIn profile may mean something beyond ego, but even if he does feel something he is not prepared to admit to it yet. The question is, will he ever? How long do you wait to see? You could become very deeply invested in this situation and remain disappointed for a long time... forever, if he is indeed ‘straight to da core’. This situation has already been ongoing for over a year and you could be denying yourself the possibility of meeting someone who you can develop a real relationship with. You could tell him how you feel, but you really need to prepare yourself for a negative response, if you do. He has already told you to leave him alone after you challenged him about the staring. Whilst it may bring closure, it may also bring on a lot of hurt feelings. I know it’s not easy to walk away from a situation that has occupied your thoughts and feelings for so long, but it really is the best advice I can offer EternalSunshine. If you are able to meet and love someone else and devote your energy to a real relationship, these feelings for your crush may begin to fade and disappear, but you do need to move on to give yourself that chance. Sorry if that’s not what you want to hear.
