Sorry for being whiny... I'm upset right now and I just really need a place to vent. I'm wondering, how do you manage to stop feeling guilty for things that are not really your fault? Or things that you maybe could change but only by ignoring your own needs and interests and by lying to yourself? I just have this stupid habit of feeling resposible for every damn thing that happens in this world and I'm having a hard time convincing myself that I play the leading role in my own life and that my first duty is to make MYSELF happy and not others. I always think, if I was less selfish, less weird, less self-centered, less insecure, then I would make a much better friend, boyfriend, person in general and everyone would be much happier. I'm writing this here because a lot of this is in a way connected to my romantic and sexual orientation. I used to think I was straight for most of my life... even though I've been attracted to guys for a long time. I used to think it was a phase, probably due to a misconception I had about bisexuality and maybe still have. I did have relationships with girls and I made out with boys from time to time but I never considered having a relationship. When I was 18 I broke up with my girlfriend with whom I'd been with for a year and a half... and I still feel guilty about it. I did love her, she really meant a lot to me, and i broke up with her for completely selfish reasons. She had (and still has) several mental health problems because of some really shitty things she had to go through. She's been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, severe depression, bulimia and anxiety. She could be the loveliest person you can imagine but a lot of times she was just so incredibly sad and she had these mood swings where she would get really angry for things I didn't understand and scream at me, accuse me of things I didn't do, tell me she never wanted to see me again. Only to tell me that she loved me a few minutes later and that she didn't know how to go on without me. There were so many things that I didn't know how to deal with... and I really tried. I read books about her diagnosis, I talked to people online, we went to a psychological councelling service together... In the end we were fighting all the time and to me it seemed that whatever I said or did, it was just never right. And then she told me that I wasn't doing anything wrong and that it was her who was the problem. Only to tell me that she hated me and I should go to hell an hour later. It got to a point where I realised how damaging it was for myself to be with her, for example when I cut myself because I wanted to understand what she felt when she was doing it. I could barely eat when I was with her because I knew that she would find a way to throw up afterwards. (For a few months I thought she'd stop but then I found out that she secretly threw up in plastic bags instead of the bathroom which I would have noticed right away.) I couldn't deal with seeing her damage herself anymore, I couldn't deal with seeing her cuts anymore, and her tantrums and mood swings and her sadness. It just fucked me up so much and I couldn't deal with it. I broke up with her and I still feel like it's worst thing I have ever done to someone. She was hospitalised for a suicide attempt shortly afterwards and I still blame myself for it because I KNEW she would do it sooner or later and I still left her. I finished school a few months after we broke up and I then took a gap year. I just wanted to get away, just get out for some time and concentrate on myself for once. I went abroad and I actually had a really great time. Being in another country was so liberating, I sort re-invented myself there... because no one knew who I was before I came there, and I knew I would leave in a few months, so I didn't own anyone anything. I did things I would never have done back home. I was just sick of being responsible and of always thinking of other people first and of being afraid of being judged... I just wanted to see what would happen if I just did whatever the hell I wanted, if I followed my instincts instead of rationalising every damn thing in my life. I didn't do anything bad or shocking but for me it was confusing and upsetting at times because I did things that didn't really match the picture I've had of myself before that... in regards to my sexuality, mostly. It did make me realise that I am in fact bisexual. (I also fell in love with a guy there but it didn't work out because I went back home.) I've been back home for over a year now and I moved in with two friends (girls) and started university AND I met someone and we have been together for two months now. I like him a lot and it just feels right being with him. We complete each other somehow... in most aspects. The one thing I've started to worry about is that we are not really compatible sexuality wise. I like things we do but he wants to go further, which I don't. He wants to have "real" sex with me... which basically means anal sex and which I don't want to do. I tried explaining that I don't want to do it but he seems to think that I'm just scared and that I can't know that I won't like it if I don't try it. I don't want to try it. It makes me feel uncomfortable. And no matter how sweet and nice he is in any other aspect of our relationship, this is something he simply doesn't understand. He keeps trying to persuade me and I keep rejecting him and I know that it's frustrating him. I enjoy being intimate with him but sometimes he goes too far and I have to tell him to stop several times or push him away to make him understand that I really don't want this. He did something that I really didn't want and I told him to stop repeatedly but he didn't. And later he didn't understand why I was upset about it. (He argued that because I came it means I must have enjoyed it which I didn't.) I'm still angry somehow because I felt violated. And it's just becoming more stressful because no matter how much I love being with him and how much I enjoy him touching me, whenever we do it now I can't relax completely because I'm afraid that he might try again and I would have to say no again and we would be upset. Basically what is upsetting me right now is: 1. Feeling guilty over having left my ex-girlfriend when she needed me the most. (We're still friends and she called me a few hours ago and I had to talk her out of suicide again, which is probably why I'm upset tonight.) 2. Not being able to completely come to terms with my sexuality/feeling guilty over certain aspects of it. 3. My boyfriend being frustrated by my not giving in to his completely normal and really not exotic sexual desires. 4. My boyfriend sometimes overstepping my boundaries and my allowing it, and also being angry with myself for being so uptight and not just try it. It feels like it is MY fault that things aren't the way they should be, even though I know this is not technically the case. If I was a better person, I could have helped my ex-girlfriend and made her more happy. If I was more controlled, I wouldn't have to feel guilty about my sexual desires. If I was less uptight, I would shut up and just let my bf fuck me if it is what makes him happy. I don't even know if it is self-respect or being uptight and prude what makes me say no to him again and again. I don't know what to say anymore. I'm just pissed off by myself right now. I'm sorry.
First thing's first: These are not your fault. Not at all. I can kind of relate to what you had to go through with your ex-girlfriend, as I've grown up with a mother who had severe BPD. A few friends of mine go through severe depression and anxiety as well. Those with this disorder... feel abandoned at times, no matter what you do. It's not at all your fault, I promise. Your sexuality is you, and you should never feel guilty about yourself. Just be patient with it; stoke it gently, like a fire. You can do it. As for your boyfriend, even though I can't really have a totally accurate answer having never met him in person, might want to consider respecting your comfort a bit more. You shouldn't feel bad for not being comfortable with something; maybe you could be eased into different things once you're okay with them? I, for one, have been broken up with because I didn't want to kiss a person. I wouldn't exit my comfort zone, wasn't eased into it at all, and was let go. Granted, that was before I knew that I didn't like males physically, but I still feel like it was a bit inconsiderate. I wish you luck, and I'm sorry you feel so poorly right now. You can do it!!
Alrighty then. First and foremost - if your boyfriend did something you explicitly said you didn't want him to do, then you are perfectly justified in feeling violated. You were. And no, it doesn't matter if you came or not, you said NO and that was not respected. No if's and no buts. You were violated and you have a right to feel the way you do. Secondly - not all gay/bi men like or are interested in anal sex, in the same way that not all straight men/straight/bi/gay women are interested in anal sex. It doesn't make you more gay/bi if you like it. It's a sex act. Some sex acts are a turn on to some people. Not all sex acts are a turn on to all people. It says nothing about your sexuality or your open mindedness that it just doesnt appeal to you. You have every right to define what does and does not float your boat and for that to be respected. If you don't have that, you don't have a partnership, you have an imbalance of power that puts you on the lower step. Personally, after what you said, I would be thinking very seriously if I wanted to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't understand how to respect boundaries and to understand what the words "No" and "I dont like that" mean. None of this is your FAULT. You have every right to like what you like, not like what you don't like, and compromise on things you feel you can. But all of that in the context of a relationship takes a great deal of communication and mutual respect. You tried to communicate your needs and that was over-rided by his self-assurance that it didn't matter what you thought, he was just going to do it anyway and you damn well would like it because he does so therefore you must. Read back what you wrote. Pretend you didnt write it. Pretend I did, if you like. What advice would you give me if I told you what you just said? Treat yourself as you would treat others, with love and respect for yourself. It is not selfish to have needs or desires. Two people having sex together can never truly understand what the other one feels or experiences - they can only imagine and make an educated guess. And they can damn well respect the word No. Co-ercion into doing it anyway doesn't invalidate the fact that you didn't want to do that and expressed it quite clearly. You've been incredibly brave posting here. You should be proud of yourself. Be you and be unashamed. Because you are just fine as you are. We ALL have responsibilty for our own feelings and emotions, and can care for those of others but cannot control them. It is not your fault that your ex girlfriend had mental health issues, or that the effects of them were more than you could reasonably deal with as a young man in high school (ANY person would be hard pressed to deal with that sort of unpredictability from a loved one.) Forgive yourself for the things you think you did wrong. You didn't. You are not responsible for their actions. You are only responsible for your own. They made choices of their own which have led them down the paths they are on. You didnt take them there, they made their own way. Seriously, think about getting shut of this guy. You deserve SO much more. (((hugs)))
