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Not so happy holidays

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by itsaldo, Dec 23, 2014.

  1. itsaldo

    Regular Member

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    Hi All, I hope you are doing absolutely fine, I haven't being here for a while so I thought saying Hi to everyone and wish you a very happy Holidays.

    I saw that this threat is also alternative for support issues so I decided to post it in here.

    Stating that i'd like to see if I can get your thoughts and opinion about certain moves and decisions that I need to make in my life right now.

    Some of you might recognize me from past stories, I have had a lot of trouble with my family and moving to a brand new city with a boyfriend I barely new personally and that also brought me a lot of trouble because I was not ready to have such a serious relationship with a boy or with myself, between having to make a living and worrying for the problems of an abusive family I left, my boyfriend was no relief or support for me at that time he was abusive and he was looking for a parent not a boyfriend and I was losing myself between all of that situation.

    Right now my life has changed, I know that I am a very brave and strong person from what I have heard from other compliments and in this forum, I still have to achieve so many things in life and I am slowly recovering from all the abuse that I had to deal with almost all my life.

    My boyfriend has now changed for the better, he found a job and he supports me with the house daily-do's, bills and also with being much more comprehensive and mature when it came to my job that requires business trips and night calls with overseas people. My relationship with him has improved and now I feel more secure about our relationship. However I came to understand and he also does that your happiness should not depend on anyone or anything except from yourself.

    Anyhow the reason I am writing this post is to look for your opinion on a situation that is been slowly emerging from the past 2 years that I left home and I honestly don't know how to deal with it.

    I am slowly recovering my selfestem from all the attacks that suffered from the past 3 years, all the problems made me put on weight and right now I am trying to get on the right mindset to overcome it - this is a very important factor for me that sometimes determines my mood and how I feel talking to someone or finding myself on a situation that requires a lot of self trust and confidence that's why I am expressing it here - this situation has left me feeling a little bit depressed by the past months since all my clothes won't fit and I barely look at myself at the mirror, also my boyfriend and I have 0 sex life and I am beginning to worry about that I feel really frustrated since I have only 23 and big plans but 0 self esteem.

    Also another big part from this depression I am in is my family, I did not leave home in the best terms if you may - had several dead threat from strangers coming from my mom and had to leave desperately also my parents did not speak to me after few months I came to this city - the situation with them is that they want to hear about me and see how I am doing but they won't accept the fact that I now live with my partner and we have a life together, that we share responsibilities and the person how I become is who I am.


    I had constant dreams about my parents and my past life also in situations where I am trying to yell or scream about something happening on the dream but I can't- it's really frustrating. It's been 2 years since I haven't go home or see my parents and I still don't miss them or that life and I really feel guilty about that - Am I doing the right thing? Am I being a bad child?

    I called my mom the other day and finally faced her and told her that I lived with my partner and that if I decided to go and visit the family I was going to bring him over and she strongly refused, she said that she will only be OK with that if I was to bring a girl - can you believe after 2 years of having such problems my mom still thinks that I am going to change - I told her this is who I am and if you don't accept this part of myself you are not accepting me - I feel bad after that - Isn't me the one who's supposed to accept them?

    I tried to talk to my partner and he understands however I don't feel like going to see my family and playing it nice is the solution because that would mean that I am hiding what I am - also my mom does not want me to tell anyone in the family because that would hurt them to dead - she wants to cover the truth with lies.

    What should I supposed to do? :help:

    Am I being the bad kid because I don't want to go and visit them or talk to them about my everyday happy life with my partner ( they don't want to hear about it) my father does not even talk to me, they catalog me as a selfish and mistaken person who someday is going to come back and ask for forgiveness.

    I am so afraid that now I have told my mom the truth she is going to come to the city and look for me ( I have't give her my address) but she nows where I work, or hurt my partner or something. I just don't know what's the best way of handling it even though I am an adult now and I only depend on myself.

    I'm also fearful that I don't have parents to count on like everyone else, they can go and see them ask them for favors, treat them like they are their friends now that they have grown, but me - I can't even talk to them - I only pretend that nothing's happening and we won't talk about that issue, I prefer that they told me to move on with my life and disappear, I am kinda tired of living a lie again.

    Also I can't visit on holidays or talking to someone on my family about the truth ( grandma, uncles) about what makes me happy what I do everyday all the plans I have, I can't even post a facebook photo of me and my boyfriend on facebook on a vacation without having my mom threatening me that that will hurt my reputation and that she is waiting for me to go back to normal and realize that I am doing wrong. It's like I am living again a secret life without knowing it - and I feel GUILTY.

    I am writing and looking for advice from you because like I said, all of this situation has now entered my personal life and it's obstructing my goals, my happiness and my self esteem, I need to know if it's OK for me to move on and have a serious talk with them and say this is who I am if you don't accept me then won't call me or even bother or asking me my address.... at least from my side that would leave me calmed knowing that they won't bother calling me or asking me to say fake things and I can move on with my life. ..... I am so confused and frustrated, I can't stop dreaming about my life or past, I am tired and I need to focus on other personal issues and goals I have for myself.

    What do you guys think? what would you do if you were in my shoes?

    Thanks in advance for all your comments and happy holidays.
     
  2. AKTodd

    Full Member

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    Hi itsaldo! (*hug*)

    Reading your post, it seems to me that you at least already partly know what you need to do here.

    Your parents are making their association with you conditional on your giving up your own happiness for the sake of their emotional complacency. They have no right to do this (that they share genetic material with you is infinitely irrelevant - by their actions they have lost any claim they might have had to familial loyalty). You have nothing to feel guilty about - you being gay neither takes food from their mouths or money from their pocket.

    The people who you talked about, who are friends with their families - to truly work that kind of relationship has to be based on mutual respect. And for mutual respect to work, it has to include the idea that sometimes one or the other of the people in that relationship are going to do what they want or think is best - even if it doesn't thrill the other people. Throwing a temper tantrum when you don't get your own way (which is what your parents are doing) is not a sign of respect.

    You have nothing to feel guilty about.

    Ask yourself this: If anyone else was treating you this way, the way you've described here, would you tolerate it? So why tolerate it in this case?

    I would suggest that you need to be totally honest with your parents: This is the way you are (a gay man), this is your life, and they will either accept you the way you are (and that includes your partner)...or you will cut them out of your life. The choice is theirs.

    I realize that this is not an easy thing to contemplate. And if you do it, it will hurt for a while. But what you are going through now already hurts, and if you continue to allow your parents to cause you so much stress and pain, the hurting will never stop and will probably get worse. Gay men have been having to make this choice (if they are lucky) for a long time. If they are unlucky, the choice is taken from them as their parents throw them out of their lives, sometimes at a young age.

    In your case, it becomes a matter of working to build a life, and a family, of your own. That might be your partner (I'm very glad to hear that he has grown up and being a true partner to you now), his family, friends that you make (both LGBT and straight) and their families, and so on (and you might also spend time here on EC, folks here are a very supportive bunch). It can be done. Gay men have been doing that for a long time as well.

    Hopefully, in time, your parents will come around to accept you as you are. But you can't keep tearing yourself up inside trying to deal with people who refuse to accept you unless you do anything other than bow down to their wishes.

    Hope this helps, and take care -

    Todd
     
  3. greatwhale

    Full Member

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    Hey Itsaldo,

    Nice to hear from you again! I echo Todd's sentiment that it is a good thing that things have improved with your partner!

    Weight problems often arise from anxiety (and Mexican food is sabroso!). For the time being try cutting down on starches like tortillas, white breads, white rice or those (admittedly delicious) panes dulces. Try to stay away from fruit juices as well, and eat fruit only in the morning. With eating only eggs in the morning, and all of the above, I was able to lose 20 pounds without exercise!

    As for your parents, as Todd said, you already know what to do. When you are uncertain, you can rely on certain principles to guide you, and you seem to understand the need for honesty and integrity (more so than your family, unfortunately).

    You can stand tallest when you are standing on your own, this goes for your family as for your boyfriend. You said as much when you told us that your happiness depends on you alone.

    You may need to set your family aside, just do not give in, there is a strength in living with integrity and you certainly seem to be there now!

    Happy holidays, Feliz Navidad!