Over the past few days I have started to want to cut again, but I know I can't. This time it's not for a release of emotion; this time I just want to cut because it's possible. I still can control it but if the urge doesn't decrease... I know I'll start cutting. So someone PLEASE help???!!!
What is this urge that you speak of? Do you mind elaborating a bit more on that? As for urges, I have one of my own. I have the urge to watch porn to temporarily relieve my mind full of intrusive thoughts towards older men. One thing I found that helps is accepting that these are just thoughts that I will not act out in real life, and that 7 years of porn usage has made me latch onto the pleasure of porn (I may/may not have HOCD) I still have these intrusive thoughts (urges to act out these thoughts, if you will), but I've come to terms with myself that this isn't me. I wouldn't ever do this with another man in real life because in reality, I am not into them that way. I've always seen guys as friends/someone I could look up to.
The urge to cut; I used to about 8 months ago because I felt worthless, and unnecessary in the world. People were treating me like dirt, I luckily stopped, and now I feel like doing it because I can.
I sometimes fight this too. I'm unsure about why it flares up sometimes, but it does. The key for me has been to learn other methods that fill this urge, but are healthy. Sometimes, I'll go for a walk, or watch funny videos on the internet. Really, it's just about finding what works best for you to starve off that urge safely.
You said you felt worthless and unneccessary in the world and that's why you used to cut. Have those feelings subsided in the last 8 months? Just putting the urge to cut aside for a moment, how are you otherwise feeling? Talking is one of the important ways to deal with the urge, so tell us as much as you can.
Yes, but now I don't want to cut for that reason. I want to cut because I can do it, but I am holding off the urge rather well.
I'll go ahead and spoil how this story ends: You go through your life, believing you are in control. Over time, you become dependent upon that which you control. The roles reverse, it sucks, and you wind up either brokenly hurt or frustratedly setback in the end. The End. You're being tricked, by whatever is inspiring you to cut. Think about it... you claim that you want to cut, not for an emotional release, but because you can. If you replace 'cutting' with 'anger', then you'd have me. I used to think I could control my anger, when actually, it controlled me. I'd tell myself, I didn't need to get mad, but I wanted to, because I liked how it felt to be fueled by anger -- powerful, motivated, energetic. Really though, anger was taking control of my life, and was deluding me, every day, about just how much dominance it had over me. What it boils down to is: there's an underlying reason behind those urges. You say it is because you can, and that appears to be true on the surface. Underneath that, though, is where the actual source is -- that which is deceiving you about your situation's severity, while promoting this self-harming idea. Control isn't tempting yourself with "just because", it's refraining from ever falling into that self-destructive mindset, and sticking to the high ground, as best you can. Think wisely about your situation, and look deeply into yourself.
In my experience, however negative it may sound, you will continue to self-harm until you decide that you just don't want to do it anymore. Quitting isn't really something you can will yourself into, even if you know you really should stop. You have to want something else more than you want to cut. You need a reason to stop. For me, it was simply that I wanted to be able to hookup with people & not have them think I was a freak once they saw- so vanity, basically.
