I mean, I feel loved, don't get me wrong. I have amazing friends and an awesome family. But I just... I feel like finding someone that would want to be in a relationship with me is next to impossible. And it's just kind of a lonely feeling. I'm still really just in the early stages of transitioning, and that's probably why I feel this way. I'm still too much of a guy physically for a lesbian or a straight guy. My only hope would be finding a pansexual or bi person willing to date a trans girl so early on in the process. At my age, that's really hard, and then finding someone who would be willing and that's compatible with me? Next to impossible. I just feel so... Incompatible with every crush I meet and it's incredibly lonely. Sometimes it makes me feel like a freak. Other times like it drives me to want to cut again. Still other times like tonight, it makes me both. Is there any way to make me feel less alone? Less like a terrible freak?:tears:
Well, I ended up cutting. It felt sooo good. But at this point the effects worn off. I can't keep doing this. What do I do?
I'm sorry you couldn't fight the urge to cut again. When you reach a low point and everything seems out of control, it's so tempting to go back, even though the sensible and logical part of you knows you shouldn't. The good thing is that you do know it's only a very temporary reprieve and you can't keep doing it. Even though it's a battle to resist the urge, you are half way there when you acknowledge that it doesn't really work. Do you need to go back to isolating yourself from the blade or trying alternative things? If I could give you some advice, it would be to avoid describing yourself with really destructive words like "freak". I'm not saying you don't have a right to feel upset or depressed, because you do, but whenever we use catastrophic terms against ourselves it has the effect of reinforcing misery and despair and it can drag us down even more. Nobody here thinks you are a freak and we are pretty fucking clever. I know it's not the same as being with someone or feeling that really deep connection, but you are doing a positive thing by staying connected to people who really care about you (that includes us). You recognise that people do love you and when you share your worries and concerns with them it helps to maintain a level of perspective.
