I'm not sure if this is just me, but I'm just tired of everything. I feel so hopeless and lost. My routine is so repetitive that it's wearing me out. Every day, I wake up, go to school, come home, do my homework, computer etc. and I repeat this process over, and over and over again! My hobbies are pretty limited. I don't enjoy sports at all, and there are no interesting clubs/activities after school. I did play badminton and was involved in a school band after school, but my bus schedule gets in the way, and to be honest, I don't enjoy those 2 things either anymore. There's absolutely nothing to do in my neighborhood. My last resort was to volunteer in my community, or to get a job.. but I've honestly dropped off my resume everywhere I could think of, even McDonald's, and no one called me back.. not a single person! At school, it's a whole 'nother story! I only have one good friend, and not everyday I hang out with her. Maybe like 4-5 times a year we hang out outside of school since we have no idea where to go, or where to hang out where both of us will have a good time. I even invited her to prom which is coming up very soon because there's absolutely no one to go with. I do try to make friends at school, but it's not even worth it... our school population is 50% drug dealing, douchy skipouts, or the other half which is freaking boobies and booty all over the place white girls.. And the worst part yet, I started to get this "lonely" feeling.. as if I need that special someone in my life (AKA: Boyfriend), which makes the situation even worse! And when I do find someone that I'm "interested" in, or just to be friends with... I get so anxious, so nervous, and way too shy to ask or to approach them. My self esteem is like -6/10... and my self confidence is even lower than that rating! Since I live in Canada, I get the luxurious benefits of LGBT clubs at my school. But I'm closeted, and quite frankly, I don't even know how my parents would respond to me saying "Mom, Dad, I'm gay". I always thought that it was quite obvious to people that I'm gay, but I guess not.. Sometimes I wake up and tell myself, "is it really worth it?". I feel hopeless... And I even get emotional sometimes, I once cried myself to sleep... It gets worse, I've had suicidal feelings ladies and gentlemen, I even had thoughts of how I was going to do it... And this has been going on for like 4-5 years now :tears: I've only lived in Canada for maybe 5-6 years, so I'm a little different than other people when it comes to interests, etc. My family is pretty chill, whenever I do have the chance to go somewhere, my parents always allow me, so that's no problem. Look, I know that I probably sound so pathetic right now, and it seems like I'm "over exaggerating" everything out of proportion, but I'm really not... And I'm sorry that I just made you read this stupid long ass Harry Potter equivalent rant about my problems without a clear way to respond to this.. But I just wanted to get this off my chest so bad.. I do truly feel hopeless, and I don't see any change anytime soon... I try to be open minded about things, and always try things before I start judging them... but looks like that's out the window as well... You're very welcome to respond to this, in fact.. I would be happy to read some of your comments, suggestions, just so I could have something to do... :icon_sad::icon_sad:
Not sure of your age so when the big freedom of leaving school will be? Maybe you are a bit depressed. Maybe being out to another few people in 2015 would help things. And some male gay friends too. Then some energy on "the master plan" would help. Future career plans could be real inspiring. University ? That could be the springboard for the rest of your life. Your career and social life will skyrocket. Do some "bigger picture" thinking. It will make the mundane-ness of today's day to day life more bearable !!! Exciting in fact !!
Suicidal thoughts? With a plan? Hmmmm. I think it would be a great time to get some help with at least that aspect of your life. The loneliness and boredom pale in comparison to contemplating a "permanent solution to a temporary problem." There is a future SaharaMoose that would be mightily pissed off if you were to do something to hurt yourself, or worse. So, hospital emergency rooms in the US and Canada have these amazing people called social workers who can help you get through a crisis. That's the first place to go if things are really bad and scary. One place I would suggest getting familiar with is your school's counseling or nursing office. They can Definitely hook you up with someone to talk with. Please do this on Monday, and you will be so happy you did. Trust me on this one. In the meantime, stay safe.
First of all welcome to EmptyClosets SaharaMoose. In joining this forum you have given yourself a precious outlet for some of the feelings that you have been keeping locked up inside, for perhaps too long. I hope it helped to be able to let out some of those horrible feelings. Even though we don't know you in real life, you are part of our community and you finally have a place where you can be yourself amongst like minded people who all want the same things from life. You'll soon be able to send messages to other members via their walls and make friends here, if that's what you want. If you stay around long enough and participate more in the life of the forum you will be able to join as a full member and enjoy the privileges of full membership. From what you have told us and the words you used, it does sound like you are very depressed with life, especially since you have had thoughts and ideas of ending it all. It's very brave of you to admit to that. Often, people keep these really dark feelings locked away inside where they can do even more damage. When you have considered suicide, is it because you really want to die, or do you just want the misery to end and life to change for the better? Tell us more, if you can. It's okay to talk about these things... it's better to talk about these things. Don't minimise your problems or think that you are over-exaggerating or blowing things out of proportion. You are not. If you feel low or upset, if you are short of friends and feel isolated or if life has lost its meaning, you need help and support and that's why we are all here. EmptyClosets is all about support. Keep talking, join in and make some friends. Don't bottle things up.
I have another couple years in High School, then I'm free... Don't get me started on university.. I've been over the "what do I wanna be" situation so many times, that it's getting very infuriating. I have absolutely no idea what I want to be.. We were given this website called myblueprint.ca which is very useful, and lists aaalll the opportunities outside of High School, and even after going over the list multiple times, I'm still pretty lost. I was thinking of either actor, or astronomer.. but acting is so competitive, and it's not for everyone to be honest. And then there's astronomy, I mean, I don't want to be a professor teaching it in university or college, and the daunting task of coming up with math equations, and creating hypothesis at some kind of observatory doesn't sound something like I would want to do.. I did feel more "lively" once I opened up to one of my good friends.. but there's no one else I could open up to. I do have classmates I talk to, but do I trust them with keeping a secret? No... :dry: ---------- Post added 27th Dec 2014 at 03:58 PM ---------- They were just thoughts, I would never in my life think of actually committing suicide.. So I'm not really worried about that part. I guess I'm just depressed most of the time :/ I will give the counselor one a thought, but I'm not too keen on sharing my feelings with people that I barely talk too...
I don't even know why I considered suicide... I mean, I do somewhat believe in "reincarnation" (yeah I know -_-) so, who knows.. maybe my life would be much better in the new life. It just feels like I want to start over... I've done some things in life where I regret them so much... Or maybe it's because I don't want to continue this cycle for much longer.. So I guess that's why I've had the suicidal feelings?! When I'm at school, I feel very depressed and I feel angry and irritated by everything.. Sometimes I might accidentally make my only good friend feel like shit as well because of me, and then I gotta apologize -_- Recently, one of my teachers left the school. I've connected with them so well that I was heart broken that she had to leave, now I don't even know where I will eat my lunch since I always went to her room... looks like I'm going back to eating on the stairs again :dry:
I have heard some adults say "school days are the best of your life". How little they know! School can be an incredibly tough and draining experience for some kids and the hours/days spent there can seem endless. It sounds like you hate everything about school and just want to be out of there. I want to reassure you that your current experience is not setting a trend for your whole life. Many people gain confidence and self esteem when they leave school and find greater opportunities to mix and socialise with people who share their outlook and interests. It really helps them to grow and change as a person. So, more often, the best days come after school. Try to focus on that and seek advice about your future study/career options. Is there a teacher or career advisor who could help you find a path that is right for you? Most importantly of all, keep talking. You are joining in here and that's really good to see.
Its OK not to have a clue about career just yet. These things can take time. My brother did not decide his career till his mid 20s. And it was worth the wait because he did something really worthwhile. And if it feels like too much pressure to choose, then the answer is being forced - so take the pressure off yourself. But do make sure you are studying good base subjects and for the right reasons. It will pay back 100 times over later on and you will be glad you did. If you are having a really shitty time, does your school have a counsellor you can go and talk to? It may help … and they will keep things private, I am sure they are trained that way..
I've had a whole month of class on career/future planning, and that got me no where. Like I mentioned previously, I've done a ton of research online on all the opportunities outside of High School, but nothing interests me. We do have counselors, but I just don't see how they could help me. I mean the only thing I can imagine them possibly suggesting is joining some kind of sports team, or club at school. But like I said, there are no interesting opportunities at our school. ----------- Thank you for your suggestions guys, but now that I think about what I wrote last night, this thread seems pointless, and was just for me to vent out my thoughts and emotions. The only way I can fix my "problem" is by helping myself, but I've already exhausted my ideas and resources and I don't know where to go on from here. Looks like 2015 will be another miserable and depressing year for me :bang:
