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Reaching inability to deal with issues...

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by silentscorpio, Dec 27, 2014.

  1. silentscorpio

    Regular Member

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    Weirdly enough these problems don't have anything to do with me being gay or trans. They've been around since I was a kid. Basically my entire life I've felt pretty invisible because of my social anxiety. I'm the youngest of three kids and I feel like my mom loves me less than my siblings.

    I think this because she told me as a teen that she didn't care about the things I was interested in, which I started self-harming she was going to force me to get involved in something at school which I was unhappy about but being depressed and having my own motivation I appreciated it. Except she never made me get involved in anything. And I didn't. She also said she was going to check me everyday for cuts, and as much as I hated that it was an expression that she cared. But she never did it.

    I've ALWAYS felt like I'm just unseen by people, since I was even in elementary school. I talk and people interrupt or don't hear me. I was told to "speak up" and since I did talk pretty quietly I started talking louder. It didn't work. I actually just felt even more foolish when I would be standing right next to my mom and say something and there's no way everyone in the room didn't hear me. But I would be met with no response. No one would even look at me. This is just such a cold thing to do your child that I want to believe so badly that I'm just not talking loud enough but the last time this happened, I was happy, I felt good pretty okay with my family relationships and I was speaking in a voice so that the whole room could really hear me. But everyone just...it's like I wasn't even there. I feel like if I talked louder I would have been yelling.

    I was also told a while ago if I didn't give my mom more money "we wouldn't have a Christmas." I owe my mom some money and I have been giving her a check every other week and I was putting the rest of my paychecks towards other debts that actually have like late fees and stuff. So really all she had to do was say, "Hey, we're going to need a little more." And it would have been fine. But instead I was basically told if we I don't give her more money I'll be the one to ruin Christmas....

    And this happened a couple weeks after my birthday for which my mom asked me what I wanted and I received nothing, and no explanation. I'm pretty understanding I think so if I had been told that they couldn't get me anything this year I would've been fine...but instead it was like my mom was trying to be passive aggressive with me. I'm actually positive this is what happened knowing my mom. She's always used presents to show how she feels about me, but I don't even want to go in to that because last time I tried to vent about it I was accused of being selfish and ungrateful which is NOT the case. So I'm not even going to bother getting in to that.

    So today, since I'm having my total seasonal depression since it's all just big way I feel like a total outcast to my family, I joined everyone for a family lunch and basically sat in silence for 6 hours. I started off trying to be a part of conversations but the usual just happened and it just feels so incredibly awful to speak in a loud, normal, talking voice, and be met with no response that I just..gave up.

    I know that because of my anxieties all these issues are possibly just being exaggerated in my head because I'm scared of being unloved and invisible. I've been working no my social anxiety and trying to be more engaging but...I can't do it. It just seems like no one is interested in talking to me and having been told as a teen by my mother that she doesn't want to hear what I have to say because she isn't interested in the same things as me I feel like people (my family) are just trying to tell me that they don't want me a part of the conversation. I don't know if there's like...an actually strategy in talking to people so you're not always being talked over or if I just have a mean family but..I want to feel close to them so badly but it just doesn't seem to be possible....

    I also feel like I'm really stupid for making this. That no one cares, that others have bigger problems and that I'm just really stupid for being upset. But unfortunately, I have really bad social anxiety so I don't really have other friends I can go talk to, I don't know how to talk to my family about it, and I really juts don't even know how to talk to people even though I really want to talk to people. I'm about to reach a breaking point though and just totally disconnect entirely from my family or just...have a total emotional explosion.
     
  2. elliot96

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    My psychologist told me something that I carry around with me years later. She told me that all problems, including depressions and anxieties, are relative. What seems like a mountain to some is a molehill to others, and vise versa. There is no way that anyone can compare their problems to anyone elses and to do so would be to invalidate them. The worst thing that you could do would be to compare your own difficulties to others, because nothing compares. It is impossible to measure one sadness or pain against another, it just simply cannot be done.
    You are not stupid for making this post, and you are not selfish for wanting to be recognized and loved by your family. I'm certain that you are aware that nobody can give you the perfect advice for these situations as in the end it is all up to you and your own unique perspective of the situation and the choices that you make regarding it.

    I'm sure that your family does love you, and it can be easy to just give up and say 'well, fuck, at least I have a family - why am I complaining' but you're obviously very unhappy and have been for a long time. I wish I had a suggestion for you but all I can bring to the table is company and someone who is available to listen should you need it.
     
  3. silentscorpio

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    Thanks!

    I mostly just needed to blurt out my feelings. I think I need to talk to my mom about it and I'm reaching a point where I feel like that's more possible for me to do. We've gotten a lot closer over the years but there's still that same old issue that pops up and I think if I brought it up she would be willing to work on a resolution. Just a matter of gathering up that courage...