I will never accept my body, depression and suicidal thoughts

Scoliosis sucks balls. I'd definitely recommend looking into the spinal fusion surgery if it's an option for you at all, they got my curve from 50 degrees to 12.. and honestly, with correct pain management it's not that painful (hell, my pain wasn't managed properly at first, and I survived it.. as soon as I was on proper pain meds, I was sitting for 12 hours straight and on my feet as much as possible as soon as I was allowed). For the difference it can make, the pain and post op restrictions aren't bad enough to avoid it.

 

Hey Marty!!

Do you realise you are possibly 'over-suffering' from poor self image? Self image problems can be very powerful, isolating and depressing. Especially at 18 when everyone is very self-aware and sensitive about appearances. And you have probably been seeing school friends just getting on with their 'perfect' lives (not so perfect really - but thats another discussion) and a bit of over-thinking (as we all do!) at Christmas about the years ahead etc

Out of interest - I expect you have done a lot of research about your back? I have seen on TV some surgeries that are really successful and maybe that is an option for you in the future? I have also seen YouTube Vlogs by teenagers with spine curvature… if I can remember them I will post it on your wall. I was interested because a friend has spine issues and I was encouraged by the videos. Because relationships and fulfilling lives are quite possible - in spite of these health issues.

Have you ever had therapeutic counselling. A school or college counsellor might be a starting point - or your doctor. It will help keep things in perspective and stop the self image problem getting in the way of the rest of your life.

 

I know how you feel. I have tried to kill myself more times than I can count. I have sliced my body up like a Thanksgiving turkey. I have several mental disorders. My family treats me like I have leprosy. They refuse to acknowledge this. I can continue to go on and on about my issues, but I won't. You get the gist of what I am trying to say. No matter how hard it is there are many people out there who are in the same boat we are in. I have a hard time trying to accept my issues, but I know the beauty I have inside waiting to come out.

 

Hey Marty,

American TV shows? the whole body image thing is an interesting subject - … Its significance has been blown completely out of all proportion throughout western culture (glamorous advertising, celebrity culture, pornography) where perfect bodies are "the new normal".

There is a difficult line between 'self consciousness' and 'body dysmorphia'. You seem to be aware of this, and you need to keep an eye on it. Too much 'ruminating' and self-reflection can be unhealthy sometimes.

If you did not like the attitude of that doctor maybe another specialist can be consulted. If the disease is causing you psychological problems then that distress, alone, might be a good reason for looking in to surgery at some time. That is certainly how the UK medical profession would view it over here - as a physical intervention to improve a psychological issue.

Other aspects of your original post involve depression, which may be to do with your health, may be because of your sexuality, or may just be because you are .. depressed! I wondered .. .. do you participate in interest groups/ clubs/ societies? If not, is this something you can focus on and maybe make some changes. It will help you get your brain in to new environments and also meeting new people

Then .. are there other things you can do to give your life more fulfilment. The whole matter of having close friends, friends you are out to, who are part of a close support network. Do you have any gay friends - or are they all straight. Having some gay friends is really important - and rewarding.

Some "more natural and less depressive way.." to recover may be to get in to some sport or exercise. Cycling, swimming, hiking etc etc - or new hobbies - these can be done in groups which will also improve your social network.

Although your experience at age 12 with therapies and medications was not very positive, this is another area you could investigate in the future. It is possible that with the right type of therapy in conjunction with medications under psychiatrist advice could give you some improvements. Or just therapy on its own if you are not interested in the meds right now.

I think there are several ways to help you fight back out of your loneliness. Some small steps you could put in to action in 2015 could bring about some big changes?

As for the guy you mentioned, if he did not interest you physically, or with his personality, then you reacted quite genuinely .. so do not get angry with yourself !!

Remember … you are a beautiful guy and you deserve to be happy and fulfilled as anybody else!

(*hug*)

 

Well my crush spine makes an S and it's really, really noticeable. In fact ive never seen anyone with such a big surve in the spine, yet i think he's the sexiest guy on earth so i definitly wouldn't worry too much about it unless its causing you physical pain.

 

If it makes you feel any better, I think you look really cute. Spine problems or not.
And trust me, I can relate. Maybe not in the illness part, but for in the lonliness, depression, being picky, and low self-esteem issues.

 

You are very handsome! That the truth. That's a fact. Just because you don't see it doesn't make it true! I sometimes look at myself and feel ugly, but then I realise I only feel like that because I don't look like Leonardo Di Caprio. You don't need to look like a Hollywood star to be good looking. I know how hard it is to believe that sometimes. I do. You just need to look in the mirror and be confident in who you are, because you are a great person. You just can't see it. Love yourself. Always.(*hug*)

 

I personally hate exercising, so in that regard, no. But I am very shy, and very self-conscious whenever I'm in public, so I can understand your concerns. I just constantly remind myself that most people aren't going to even notice me, so I don't need to worry about them. I must say, I do need to go to the gym really... I'd go with you but Prague is a bit far, I'm afraid!

 

Hey Marty

could you try some activities in the city AND some nearer your home also? The biggest issue is having the courage to … try something!

Social circles can get so small if you do not work at it … then you become isolated.. and so the aim would be to change that. Social phobia is something that can get out of control and so a step in that direction would be a victory

the art class idea is perfect if you can re-connect with that, or cycling or walking groups. Or decide to learn a language in classes after school - that would have double benefits of getting more skills and meeting people?

Gym is a good idea but some people have trouble being motivated for that - would you be motivated enough?

As for coming out to everyone, this would have benefits but you know best. If you can handle it .. and if it feels the right time for you ?

Did you make any "new year resolutions"? :icon_bigg

 

Yeah, might take slightly too long for me I'm afraid!

Of course it's alright to feel that way about having a boyfriend! Being in a relationship is all about sharing. Whether it be stresses and strains, or great moments together. As long as you did the same to him, then there is no shame in wanting to have a relationship with someone who could confide in, and share things with!

I'm sure you'll find someone. You definitely deserve to anyway. (*hug*)

 

Hey Marty - I agree with this (above) !!

You will have no difficulty in people lining up to be a close friend with you :icon_bigg ... See how many people on EC have said as much already!!

Obstacles may be more 'in your mind' than based in reality. So a plan for 2015 could be to take some risks to expand your social circles?

This is a serious suggestion because the problem with depression is that it can lead to self-imposed isolation … and that just creates more depression !!! It is a spiral that can get out of hand..

Gyms can be boring (unless you are in to it or have specific body / fitness goals - in which case some time with a personal trainer would help a lot). Hiking, however, is a great way to spend time and meet new people.

Over here we have many gay hiking groups. Takes as bit of courage but maybe you could go with someone? But actually, going on 'straight' hiking groups will also be rewarding and introduce you to wider circle of friends (some of these will be gay) .. and you could go along with a straight friend to help get in to it.

It does take courage to push yourself in to social situations. Because it is easier to stay at home and watch TV. But the rewards could be completely life changing.

When I was 18 my geography teacher wrote to me when I left school saying how he thought I should join as many activity groups as possible when I was at university... With hindsight .. I realise he was looking out for me in the same way. Unfortunately I did NOT take this advice and, looking back, it was a BIG mistake for me personally. I really wish I had. And so I am passing his 'wisdom' on to you (even though it missed its target with me!! :eusa_doh

---------- Post added 6th Jan 2015 at 05:24 PM ----------

yes !

---------- Post added 6th Jan 2015 at 05:25 PM ----------

Talking is the best thing .. it is the first step before "doing" :icon_bigg

 

I love working out, but ever since my depression relapsed I have felt a lack of will to continue.
I hate myself for it.

 

Excellent !!

Let us know how it goes??

 

This isn't completely appropriate to bring up, but it does get there. I know a youtuber called Emma Blackery, and she has said that you should be happy the way you are, and if it requires you to get surgery, or cosmetic transformations to be happy, then you should do it. I'm just saying if it's possible to get a Hollywood smile, and a near perfect to perfect spine then you go and do it. I truly hope this helps you.