i feel like an outsider looking in

Try changing up your routine a bit? Go on walks or decide to learn a new skill/hobby/whatever. Like the Ukulele or something completely random!

I know the feeling you're talking about, I attribute my feelings of 'looking in on my life' to a decade of dealing with depression. It sucks, but it's best try your darndest to not let it eat you alive :/

 

you're not alone in feeling that way, and especially as a teenager. the best thing to do when you feel like an outsider looking in is to get inside and get out of yourself. for me, it is doing things of service to other people. that makes me forget myself, if even for a moment, as I get into the act of service. it can be the things that normally come to mind, like helping out a breakfast at a shelter; or it can be those opportunities that we don't even notice, like taking a shopping cart from the parking lot back into the store, or moving it out of a space that it is blocking, so that a car can park there. It can be picking up some trash and putting it in the bin. it can be thinking of something nice to say to everyone you meet today (nice hat! pretty smile! funny joke!)

 

It's not a rant. If you don't feel good, it's better to talk or vent about it than bottling it up inside. Being a teenager is not always easy, especially an LGBT teenager. How would you feel about telling us a bit more?

When you look in, from the outside, what do you see Izzy?

You say there are so many people who you miss. Who are these people and what is it you miss about them most?

Keep talking. The more you tell us, the more we can help and offer support. (*hug*)

 

I'm sorry you're going through this (*hug*) Maybe you feel like an "outsider looking in" because you're going through some changes in your life, and you haven't quite "caught up" to it yet? I'm guessing you're a pretty smart girl, and maybe you're distancing yourself from what you're experiencing a bit because of it? I dunno, I don't feel like I'm explaining what I mean very well Anyway, being a teenager is definitely a roller coaster, and sometimes you just need to give yourself some time to adjust. I can definitely relate to that feeling, anyway.

I hope you figure things out with your friend, it's really stressful to have stuff like that hanging over you, probably even more so if you're worried about keeping the friendship at the same time!

 

you're definitely in the right place. this is the one place where none of us has to feel like an outsider! (&&&)

 

I've quoted what you said there because it's something I have similar experience with. My mother is a lot like what you described. Much as I love her and will always care for her I can't really talk to her about things because of how she reacts emotionally. She doesn't choose to be that way, it's just how she is. So I've often been in a sort of 'roles reversed' situation for most of my life where I had to assume the role of the adult in our relationship: hiding my own feelings on things or having to phrase things tactfully/not say them at all in order to protect her emotions or just to keep the peace in general. Looking back on my relationship with my parents now as an adult I think this may have played a big part in the way I was and am, I had to sustain myself emotionally and grow up too quickly. It's an incredibly isolating experience.

I wonder if having to protect your mother's feelings may be part of the reason you feel like you take on too much and try to be an adult?

Don't blame yourself because you 'feel like you should have slowed down when you were younger' - chances are this was something that happened naturally due to you being clearly intelligent and feeling a certain way. 'Slowing down' isn't really a voluntary ability for a child who thinks and feels differently, despite what others might assume.

Like you I've always felt like an outsider looking in, I've been overall very disconnected from everyone else. So I know it isn't fun feeling like you do, not having people who really understand your perspective because their own is different. You have one advantage over me however, because it sounds like even at the age you're at now you are actually missing people and maintaining relationships with friends and family albeit with some practical difficulty due to distance. The fact you have that wish and that ability is what's important; hang on to that.

It's frustrating that there's not much you can do in terms of the distance separating you from your father and brother, the best you can do is make the most of the contact and time together you have. Circumstances might change in times as you get older so that you are able to see them more often.

In terms of your friend who lives far away, you've already said the best thing you can do: keep the friendship alive. Stay in contact as much as you can if you want to keep this friend. Does she know you have a crush on her? You can come to a decision about whether you feel confident enough to tell her about this if you think it will not harm the friendship, but be prepared that it might be something you have to accept if she chooses to date someone else.

If you want to find friends closer to home, best you can do is to make yourself available as a friend. I don't mean being friendly with just anyone even if you don't get along (because in my experience, being surrounded by those who don't understand tends to make feelings of loneliness worse rather than better) but just be willing to get to know people where possible, with any luck you might just land on someone you really click with. Sadly luck is also a big part of it because you can't force a connection, it has to come naturally. But you can at least sway the odds in your favour.

Aside from anything else, you can take some reassurance in knowing you are not alone in feeling, well, alone. There's plenty of people here on EC who feel similar for one reason or another. I know online isn't exactly a substitute for person-to-person interaction, but it is something.

I hope things improve for you.

(*hug*)

 

I experienced a similar situation when I was your age and it too was caused by separation from loved ones. In my case my mother and brother died unexpectedly. The condition is called depersonalization and it is a strange form of panic attack. It's really strange and really hard to describe to others. For me the cure was falling in love with science, but then I am very introverted that way. You sound a lot more extroverted than I am so for you the "cure" might come from re-establishing important connections with others. That may take some time so try and be patient.

 

dont worry, you´re not the only person who feel like Robinson Crusoe..

---------- Post added 2nd Jan 2015 at 05:50 AM ----------

hope you´ll do better