Trying to beat depression

So for the last few months Ive been extremly depressed. Ill have several good days, but then it hits me really hard, and everything seems so hopeless. I have a bunch of friends, and theyre all supportive, but I feel so alone and isolated. Ive started to lose friends because im so depressed, and sad all the time. Ive realised that other people cant really help me, and that other people cant beat this depression for me, so I have to beat it myself. The problem is that it all seems so extremly daunting. No matter what I do to try to improve, I always slide back into this hole im in. I cant even imagine being genuinly happy and free from stress. I feel so lonely all the time, and dysphoria and stress just get so overwhelming. Even talking doesnt really help, since I gwt so fixated on all the terribleness in my life, but NOT talking makes me feel more isolated and alone.
I just realised that I havnt genuinly laughed in like a week. Its been almost half a month since Ive even had a hug from a friend. I just feel so pitifull and helpless. I really want to beat this, but I dont know where to start, or even HOW to start. I always thought Id just have to survive untill I could move out and transition and then all the dysphoria would go away, but now im starting to realise that even once I move out and transition, im still going to feel worthless and depressed, and Im going to have anxiety about whether Im passing well enough or not. I always thought Id just have to "wait out" this depression, but im now realising that Im not going to be able to wait it out.

Dunno what my point in posting this was. Advice never seems to help me much, probably since I never even try it since im sure it wont work. Im just at a loss of where to start. I dunno. Sorry guys.

 

The problem is that My parents wont let me see a psychiatrist unless its a psychiatrist at our church. I know the counselers at our church and Id be unable to talk to them about most of my problems. They dont understand homosexuality or being transgender, and I cant explain to them. Ive tried beating this depression with the help of my friends byt they can only handle my depression so much. They cant solve this for me. And I dont know HOW to solve it. Im all alone in this. I dont think my parents will even take this seriously, since ive said I was depressed before, and they just said they didnt know how to help. I went to a psychiatrist before, but my parents stopped letting me go to him because he actually supported me being trans, even if he didnt know what to do to help me transition. Its just all a mess.

 

Haha, that wont work either xD my moms a pharmacist, so shes paranoid that gibing me antidepressants could cause suicidal thoughts. Its ironic since depression has that very same side effect.

 

Yeah. My parents arnt very rational about this. I dont think they realise how bad it gets for me. Ill lay in bed some nights crying and hyperventilating and it feels like my minds melting. I cant tell them it gets that bad though, because then itll be right back to the church counseler for me, which will just make me anxious and make everything worstheIve thought about this a ton and I just cant see a solution. And thats even ignoring the fact that im most of the problem. Just handling the outside sources of my depression are overwhelming, let alone all my faults that make it that much worse.

 

Yeah, thats the general problem. Like Im honestly trying to not be super pessimistic, but short of a miracle, I dont see this depression going anywhere.

 

Aww, thanks for the support guys.
I tend to just try to distract myself, by playing tons of video games or listening to music/watching youtube. It doesnt work all the time though, since its hard to distract yourswlf from a giant black cloud in your head. I swim every other day with my dad too, which is refreshing, and keeps my dad and I semi-close (as close as this situation allows.) I try to talk and vent to friends, but they get frustrated that they cant help, and get a little mad at me that I never take their advice. Id LIKE to take their advice on things, but it doesnt seem like itll help. Ill just vent here, but I feel the same thing will happen.

 

I was having a really good day today. Stayed up all night playing videogames and relaxing, and just snuggled up this morning. I was really looking forward to tommorow since I was going to go to the mall with two of my friends and wear a bra and try to buy breast insoles but it looks like that wont be happening. My friends are always so busy and Im here.... Playing videogames. Doing nothing.
This is the third time weve scheduled time to go to the mall and something comes up that keeps us from going. Its like everythings working against me transitioning at all. I feel dizzy and I think I might cry. Sorry guys.

 

Thanks ashe. :/ I just feel so tired and alone. And I really want to cry, but crying wont help anything.

 

Crying doesnt let emotions out for me. It just intensifys them.
Im losing all my friends. Im so lonely that im extremly clingy and annoying im so terrified that theyll leave me that its making them leave me.

 

But these are friends Ive had for years. Some of them have ONLY know me as seige. Its not even the fact that Im trans that theyre leaving. Its me. Im depressed and clingy and self-pitying. And I just dont think i can handle this anymore.