So a few days ago I hooked up with a very good friend of mine and I'm having a lot of trouble processing what happened. We were both very drunk and it was consensual but I just don't think that it was something I would've ever done if I was sober. I'm really not attracted to him at all. I know it was a huge mistake and I regret it but I can't shake these feelings of guilt and disgust I'm having. I just feel weird and like my self worth has been lessened by this experience. I don't know what im expecting from this. I might talk to a therapist about this when I can afford it, but for now I just hope someone can maybe hear me out and offer some guidance. Thanks and sorry if I'm posting in the wrong thread.
Yes, having sex with someone who has only been a friend, can have that effect, because sex can alter the nature of the relationship, and as you said, once sober, you felt regret about this. Luckily, there is a good way to get things back to normal, I mean if you were both pretty drunk, you could talk about that with him, and explain that really you just want to keep the friendship you have had (if that's what you want), and that after all you were both drunk and therefore you could sort of write it off as one of those silly things that can happen if we drink too much. One of the neigbours I had, afaik totally straight (always had a gf), well on the last night at his place, just before moving to another suburb, got really sloshed, and started sort of cosying up to me, putting his arm around me, and expressing his appreciation of me, and I definitely felt something from him, unspoken but sort of like "we might not see each other again, and since we are both drunk what would it matter if we..." u know what I mean...? The thing is, he was totally drunk, but I was not (I had had one beer, him...lots more), and I can remember feeling just a bit uncomfortable with the fact that he would not have done this if sober, no way. Even if it happened again, now with me accepting my same sex attraction etc, there is still something uncomfortable about a friend getting really sloshed and coming on to me because they are sloshed, when they would not do so while sober. Maybe it's just me, but that makes me hesitate to actually go through with it...not that there is anything 'wrong' at all if you do, no. But it is good to ask "how will I feel in the morning", maybe.. Now give yourself a hug, 'forgive' yourself and just 'learn the lesson, let go, and move on'. But there is nothing you need feel bad about with this, it happens. Andy
Thank you, I'm trying to forgive myself. We did chat about it and I let him know where I stood on the issue. It just bugs me because he has told me in the past that he might like me as more than a friend and I also told him that I just didn't like him like that at all. I'm just really confused about everything. The friendship feels very weird to me now. I have to like someone very much to be intimate with them, always have. I broke an important personal value of mine and I just feel sad.
hi! if he likes you, then he must be as confused as you are because he is getting mixed messages (first you said you didn't like him as more than a friend and then you hooked up). talk to him again if you feel the need to.
This situation seems to be causing you some dissonance. We all have a fairly solid idea of who we are are as a person but in reality we are actually much more. You had an experience that went beyond the bounds of what you consider acceptable behavior but the real problem is this newly discovered behavior pattern has become part of the definition of what it is to be you. You are finding that hard to accept, thus the dissonance. The solution is to bridge the gap and help your friendship in the process. You have to accept that your relationship has changed permanently. You now have a physical relationship and you should endeavor to keep it that way. This doesn't mean continuing to have sex but you should continue to acknowledge the sex you did have. Make it whatever you feel comfortable with; hugging, kissing, back rubs. If it feels okay then keep it up if not then back off. Same with his behavior, allow him to touch you to the point you feel comfortable and if it goes too far then ask him to stop. I think you will be surprised at how far you can comfortably go with him sober. I know you aren't going to like this idea but it's the refusing to acknowledge the physical nature of your new relationship, not the fact that you had the experience, that is making you feel like crap.
It sounds like -- and I could be misreading this -- like the underlying issue is that you feel like you were taken advantage of. The fact that you consented while drunk doesn't really mean consent; in most states, a person who is inebriated isn't capable, legally, of giving consent. So if I'm reading this right, it feels like maybe you felt that you would never have done this sober, and you feel shitty because even though you said yes, it feels sort of violating. And I think in that circumstance, I'd feel violated too. If that is what's going on, then perhaps it's important to clear the air. Let him know how you feel, and that you didn't feel like he was so much looking out for your needs as for his. If I've missed the mark, perhaps you can clarify a bit more.
I do kind of feel like this. I know sex is supposed to be a two way thing but at the end of the day I feel like I gave up something and he got something. I feel weak and stupid. I've only ever wanted to keep things strictly platonic and that still stands this just makes things a lot harder for me. And to the poster above you... No, I shouldn't have to be obligated to be physical with someone I don't want to be be with out of a horrible drunken lapse in judgement.
