I've struggled with suicidal thoughts for years, it's very difficult to live with. But it's been getting worse lately and I have no way to try and cope with it, I have no friends, no one in my family understands me, and no meaning in life. I'm constantly telling myself that it's going to get better, that I will be able to change my body to be who I am inside eventually but I'm stuck as a man until then and I'm not sure if I will even be able to become the girl I want to be or I'll be stuck looking like a man with female parts. I can't even dream about getting a GF I have no idea what kind of person would be capable of having a boyfriend who would become their girlfriend, most girls I know would not be capable of it. I need help or suicide is going to begin to look like it's a good solution.
When you are in such a desperate place - and you've been there for so long - it becomes very difficult to see anything positive or any reason to be hopeful. The longer things go on like that, the darker our feelings may become. I'm really pleased you posted about your feelings though. If you have been battling suicidal thoughts for years, that's far too long. If you haven't been able to share it with anyone there is no wonder you are finding it so hard to cope. Now is the time to stop fighting alone. It's not a taboo subject that needs to be hidden away from the world - that only makes it worse. You've taken a first, positive step in finally admitting that it's becoming too much for you, and in this forum you most certainly have people who do understand and will pay attention. So many of us are going through, or have been through similar struggles and know exactly what it feels like to want to transition and to not have family support. There is a lot to be said for reaching out and receiving mutual support from people who have been there. When you open up and begin talking to people in the same boat you can share ideas and small stories of hope and encouragement, and maybe, just maybe see little rays of light. If you bottle it up inside though and try to deal with it alone there is nothing but darkness. Your ultimate hope and aim to change is clear, but what, in the meantime would help you to cope a little better? Is there anything you would like to know from other members that might help you to deal with things and manage to live more easily? Tell us, if you can. Talking doesn't solve all problems or magically change our world, but when your are so alone it can be a huge relief to simply have an outlet for it all and a safe place to vent and ask questions or share ideas. Keep at it Clancularius - you're in good company here and we really do care a lot. Try to hold on to that hope and belief in the back of your mind, because it makes so much more sense than the louder feelings of doubt that you are hearing right now. You can do this. (*hug*)
I'm not sure if this will be of any help, but in times like this try to remember that "this too shall pass." If suicidal feelings get strong, please try to hold out for them to pass. Recently, I've had suicidal thoughts so I feel I can empathize. I have never had them so strongly and I know how scary it is to have your mind basically whispering negative things to you. A disagreement between the body's will to live and the mind's rejection of that will... From that experience I realize that my mood can vary quite a lot. So, I try to remember that in a few days from now (or even sooner), I probably will not feel quite as upset. I think an immediate thing you can do to help yourself is to remind yourself at that moment that your mood will improve and to stick through the negative thoughts. I know it does not always help to hear that "things will get better," since in your position, it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is true. I'm currently going through depression, but I still look back on a previous wave of depression and wonder why I wasted so much time depressed. I am sure that in the future I will feel this way again, and I am sure you will too. You really are young. As you grow older and gain more independence and mature you will learn better ways of coping and, due to your circumstances, as you get older, life will surely improve for you. The ironic thing is, it's quite impossible to see that until you're older. People told me the same thing and I rolled my eyes! In terms of your gender, try to be positive. I'm confident that you will be able to become the girl that you want in the future. However, it will probably take time and things may not always be perfect. Life gives everyone some sort of shit, and it can be a challenge, but we have to overcome and learn to live with the things we cannot always change, while changing the things we can (cue AA quote). I think the key to happiness is accepting life for its imperfections. I'm not sure where I'm going with this. In terms of a GF, it's corny but there is someone for everyone, really. And you have SO MUCH TIME to find that person. Try your best to be happy with yourself and make the best of your life and then worry about finding someone else. I'm sure you have friends, and if you really don't, you have people you can meet here, who are going through the same thing, and especially as you get older you'll be able to meet all sorts of people. Also, you will find a meaning to your life; it takes time. It's easy to say this, but I know its not always easy to take advice. As said, you can do this. There are people here who will support you. You may want to reach out to some of the trans people here who will be able to help you better get through your situation. And, as I said, try to remember that when things get very bad, it WILL pass, and you will at LEAST return to a state in which you can cope. You may wish to try medications or therapy eventually, as those can help immensely too.
What I used to tell myself (have had such thoughts on and off) was that there was no way I would ever take my life, without first robbing a bank and going on a spending spree.. Takes a lot of organising ( bank robbery) , and when i felt close to it, the rob a bank thought would intrude, and makes me think , ok lets see how i feel tomorrow. Beware medication, most medication even antidepressants actually increase the neg and suic thoughts, so avoid any kind of big pharmaceutical medication if possible,go herbal. Good films (if not up for socialising), read some.books, and meditation - excersice releases endorphines and other good stuff, which.can help rebalance a neg mind. Go outside and.shout into the wind. As the previous poster said, we care, all of us here care for you, and I bet.if we were all in a massive convention or something, you would make many friends. We have to help and support each other, go and do some random acts of kindness, and be rewarded.by.their.smiles, and mebby get to know other people. All the very best from north Wales to you.
