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Struggling and at a loss for what to do

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Erik, Jan 5, 2015.

  1. Erik

    Erik Guest

    Anyways long story short, I had a very bad drunken hook up with a good friend recently and it has been causing a lot of dissonance in my life. I was "brownout" drunk when it happened. I know it would've never happened had I been sober and that's been really bugging me. My friend who it happened with told me a few months earlier that he liked me as more than a friend literally right after I came out to him. I've never had any feelings for him and told him that. That still stands, but at this point in our friendship I don't know what to do. I think he still likes me a lot and I'm leading him on just by remaining his friend after what happened. I keep trying to downplay what happened but I'm incredibly uncomfortable about the entire situation. What happened absolutely shouldn't have happened and I feel horrible. I care about my friend as a friend only but he's been acting really clingy since it happened and I don't know what to do. My intuition is telling me that I need a lot of space. However he's a very volatile person and I'm not sure how he'll react. When I first told him I didn't like him in a romantic way he said was going to get drunk and take Xanax. I just don't know what to do everything's so off now. I don't know if our friendship will survive this between my discomfort with the hook up itself and his unrealistic expectations of what I could be to him. Am I being irrational? Sorry, I'm incredibly embarrassed about posting this, I'm just kind of a mess right now.
     
  2. jay777

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    Well what about if you told him like you wrote here ?
     
  3. MrSkittles

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    Just talk to him. Tell him how you feel about the whole situation. If he's a true friend he will understand.
     
  4. Monraffe

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    I too fell in love with my best friend. It’s ironic because I didn’t even like him when we first met. He was the one who pursued a friendship with me at first. We grew close, very close, and at some point I felt a spark that let me know love wanted to start. I was afraid to tell him at first and when I did his reaction was similar to yours, full of confusion and guilt. I was devastated that he couldn’t love me back. I couldn’t get him out of my head. Couldn’t sleep. One night we were having dinner, drinking at my place. The weather was terrible and he didn’t feel like driving so I suggested he sleep in my bed. I tried to make a move which he brushed off but he did let me spoon him. The next night we were getting drunk at his place. Somehow I suggested we sleep together and this time we did have sex. I was very happy, it seemed like we were making progress. But he called to tell me it was a mistake. He thought if we had sex I would get it out of my system and later realized what a dumb idea that was. I went to his place to talk and when I arrived you would never know he had ever been feeling guilty. He was very jovial and in a great mood. He had this way of spontaneously being happy and there he was with his beautiful personality in full display. I felt like crap as usual. He gave me a back rub, ending it with a kiss on the back of the neck. I reached over to touch him and he backed away, saying due to how I felt about him I was not allowed to touch him. I guess that was his solution to everything. A few days later I felt worse than ever and called to tell him I couldn’t see him again. I knew I would never stop trying to manipulate him. He refused to break it off and asked me to drive him to the bar on Friday. We started with a few drinks at his place and laughed and joked all the way there. I felt better than I had in a long time. He said he was wearing his lucky shirt and I guess I should have taken that as a warning. He met this really good looking guy seconds after entering the bar and disappeared. I got wasted and after a few hours he reappears alone with a strange grin on his face. He said, “Don’t get mad but can you drive my new friend and me back to my place?” I was mad, very mad, but I didn’t say anything. The ride back to his place with his “friend” in the back was very tense. I went home after dropping them off and couldn’t sleep. At about 3 AM he calls me, on another high and cracking jokes a mile a minute. I wanted to hang up on him but I was glad he called and I could tell he was trying hard to patch things up with me. I asked him what happened to his trick and he said he passed out as soon as they got into bed. He said he was looking at his naked body as we spoke and asked if I waned to come over an look at him which actually made me laugh. I found tricking like that to be disgusting. I was this really stiff science nerd type with a lot of rules like that that tended to make me an unhappy person. He was the opposite, fun loving, light, and had a built in wiring that could turn him into this really happy person for no reason at all. I found myself wondering what I wanted from him, what I wanted him to turn into. To be more like me and stop being so happy all the tie? Maybe what I really wanted to be more like him. Well, that was a nice thought but I am way too much of a control freak to let things go that easily. It wasn’t the last time I got jealous and he felt guilty. We were a real mess there for a while but over time my flame for him finally started to die down and we were able to reestablish a firmer footing for our friendship. I moved on and met someone else. A few years ago he had a bad break up that I helped him trough. We text each other almost daily and see each other a couple of times a month. He is still my best friend. I don’t know how to feel about the way he treated me at the time. At the time it seemed so cruel but I always knew the problems were entirely of my own making and I never blamed him for any of it, even though there were times I wanted to hate him. I’m very glad he kept us from falling apart. If I think about it I can still sense the love I had for him and every time I do it makes me smile. Let the love that once was a fire remain an ember.
     
    #4 Monraffe, Jan 12, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2015
  5. Erik

    Erik Guest

    Thank you for sharing your experience with a similar situation Monraffe. I'm still trying to wrap my head around how to handle everything. The friendship dynamic we had has definitely been a lot different now. I still have to tell him how I feel, i've been rather distant lately and feel as though some space is what I need more than anything. Please excuse my disjointed post everyone, this is just a difficult situation for me.