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How do I deal with this?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by CyanChachki, Jan 11, 2015.

  1. CyanChachki

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    My sister has changed to the point where she'd burn bridges with me if that's what her boyfriend wanted. When we're hanging out alone, she and I are the best of friends but the minute he comes over, her personality changes. For example, she'll find something funny that she would normally find funny but if that same thing where presented to her when her boyfriend was around, she won't laugh at all.

    It's very cold and off putting to see her change in a way that would compromise our friendship. I keep thinking that maybe all this time she hung around me only because she's one of the two only close friends that I have (not counting online friends). I keep thinking of different reasons where I'm wrong and that it's probably just me.. but normally that feeling goes away in a week. I can't seem to shake this feeling off and I fear that I'm being replaced by him. I made room for him because he's a nice guy. I accepted the fact that we're both adults now and that we'd spend a little more time apart but this is just too much time.

    I feel like I'm being cut off from real life little by little every day, slipping back into the depressive "dreamworld" I had going on for me when I had no friends at all. I'm desperately trying to hold on and make sure that I'm okay and sane enough to take on the day. I keep repeating different times of my life in my head like my ex telling me that I'm too fragile or people telling me that I'm annoying and I can't help but think that this cycle is just going to repeat it's self over and over until I die.

    That's where the suicidal thoughts started coming in. I don't want to go back there, even for a second so I've been giving myself reasons to stick around like " You're going to create a new video game" or "You still have to move out".. just dumb things that may or may not make my life better. If I could go back to therapy, I would. I've been thinking about doing so for a long time. The thing is, that if you willingly leave 3 times, you can't go back and that's what I did. I had very good reasons as to why but I'll save that explanation for another time because it's too long to list in this already long post.

    I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying so hard to call out for help to others around me and my calls are falling on deaf ears. I kinda feel like this whole losing my sister issue that's been swimming in my head for the last couple of weeks has broken me down to the point where I'm absolutely hopeless. No control and I don't know what to do.
     
  2. waitwhat

    waitwhat Guest

    I feel this way when I have bad days. Especially that I'll slip back into this awful depressive state over and over for the rest of my life. And trust me I don't want to go back there either. I have contemplated suicide many times, and I've almost attempted a few times. Giving yourself even the smallest of positive reasons to hold can really help. Again, trust me I know how hard that is. I've been going to my therapist for a year now, and we're still working on getting me to say positive things. One thing that has been working for me though is looking at myself in the mirror, in the morning, at night, and throughout the day, and saying "I will be happy." I find that saying it out loud is more effective than saying it in your head, because saying it out loud tricks the brain more. This is not something that's just gonna magically make you feel better, and you definitely have to keep it up everyday if you do.

    As for therapy, no matter how many times you leave, you can always, always, always go back. Your therapist will not judge you. It is very hard to talk to and open up to anyone. A year on and I've only recently brought my confusions about sexual orientation and my history of sexual abuse. It takes time. Did you go to the same therapist each time? Perhaps you and that therapist weren't a match. I got lucky and only had to test out two therapists before I found mine. If you can afford it, I think it would be highly beneficial for you to try it out at least one more time.

    Also, I'm not too sure what medicines you can take if you are currently taking any hormones, but it may also be a good idea to talk to your doctor and see if they can prescribe you an antidepressant. That is if you are not currently on one. They can really take an edge off of depression, even clinical. Again, not a magical solution but helpful once you find the right one.

    I am so sorry that you feel this way. I know what it's like to feel helpless, and I know how much it sucks when you try to ask for help and for whatever reason it seems impossible. Please, please, please keep your head as high as you can, keep telling yourself those little positives, try saying "I will be happy" out loud everyday (you gotta fake it till it's real), and please give the therapist another shot. They understand how hard it is for people to open up as well.

    You got this!! (*hug*) :thumbsup:
     
  3. CyanChachki

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    It's not about judgment, it's about rules. The rules are that if you leave 3 times, you can not come back.The first time I left, I done so because the therapist wasn't listening to me. She and I started up coping skills that where being repeated every session and all I wanted to do was talk.

    The second time I left because the receptionists kept ignoring my calls/playing goose chase with me. I had called them multiple times before the Christmas holiday and it went straight to voicemail. I called them after the Christmas holiday and the same thing. Eventually, the called me back and that's when the goose chase started. I stopped calling them two weeks after that.

    A few months later, my doctor assigned me a new therapist who again, refused to listen to me. I started talking about my mother's behavior and he asked me to bring her in so that we could confront her during my next session. I didn't want to do that for a ton of reasons, mainly being that when I've confronted her before on what she's done to me emotionally, her and I get into a huge fight and everything is blamed on me. Usually she wins because I end up too emotional to continue on with her. I knew that she'd just nod her head, agree and bite her tongue until we got into the car.

    I've also talked about my history with abuse and other stuff with them and with others. Things that where reported to the police but ended up as a "We can't do anything about that" case.

    At the beginning, no. I started youth therapy when I was 14 and I ended it a few months before I turned 18. They gave me a month to two months with each therapist. I spent more time with the last one, though. They ended up giving me my diagnosis and that was it.

    I'm supposed to be taking medication for my disorder and BEFORE you say anything about that, there is a reason why I'm not taking them. I've mentioned before on other threads that I'm fairly overweight. The medication that I take makes me gain weight. I had asked for different medications that didn't do that, my doctor said that there wasn't anything like the meds that I'm already taking that can be mixed safely and If I was 100, 200 pounds lighter I would but I'm just not in a position where I can gain a little extra weight, which is why I've been trying to lose it.


    I think that in the end, it's good that there are other people who understand this. I think that people who feel the same, like you and I, know what it's like and therefore can help one another. I'm sure you know the feeling of pouring your soul out to those who brush it off and shame you for something you can't help. For me, I fear that. There are times where I feel like there's no point in opening up to people because it's like talking to a wall. And then I get insanely jealous seeing others who are like me, saying the same things and getting all the help they need and I think that that's partially where my anger issues come from. Seeing others being treated better for their disorders and illnesses and here I am, sitting here, trying to help myself as much as I can.

    In a way, it kind of feels like being at war with millions of enemies and then there's just you taking on these millions of enemies alone. It's funny because back when this all started, I was the one person that I personally knew who would give up everything I had just to see someone else happy.
     
  4. waitwhat

    waitwhat Guest

    Oh, ok. I did not know there was such a rule. Sorry about that. So does that mean that you are not allowed to go to another therapist or just the one you left?

    As for your previous therapists, I can only say that they suck. I understand how coping skills are important but you are going to them so they can help you, and they should always let you run the show. If you want to talk and not work on some stupid coping mechanism, you should be able to. And the receptionist thing is total bull! I don't mean that I don't believe, I mean that it was messed up and completely unprofessional of them. If you are able to go to a new therapist, I would hope that the new experience would be better than that.

    No, no, I would never say anything about you not taking a medicine that affected you in a way that made you uncomfortable. It can be hard to find a medicine that will do what you need it to without some stupid side effect. It's so fun, huh? (Sarcasm) I wish I understood more about what you are going through with you meds and everything, because it would make it easier to help you a bit more. And I'm sorry that I'm giving you advice as someone who cannot relate too well.

    This all makes so much sense. I'm one of the luckier ones who was able to find that support pretty much right off the bat, and I am so sorry that you don't have that. I'm also sorry that I keep bringing myself and my experiences up, I hate when people do that. Our experiences are so different, even with those similarities, and I know that things that work for me won't work for you and vice versa. And, I'm not a full member yet so I can't do private messages (hopefully soon though), but if you ever want to chat...

    Please don't give up on anything. :icon_wink
     
  5. CyanChachki

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    It means that I'm not allowed to go back at all. No other therapist, that I'll have to find a different place which is difficult. Our city seems big but it's really not. We don't have a lot of places, though, they're supposed to be starting up a new building for therapy but it's still being developed. Most therapists move to places like Vancouver and Victoria which I find pretty dumb considering the fact that there are so many depressed people here (literally). I never understood the rule either but I suppose it's in place so that you stay with your assigned therapist and choosing to leave means you're making an "adult decision". I don't know, that's just a speculation of it.
    They did. I mean, it took them 3 years to give me a proper diagnosis and I'm still not sure if it's legit. Within the 3 years, they "diagnosed" me with Borderline Personality Disorder, Aspergers, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, Dissociative Identity Disorder and finally decided that I have Schizoaffective Disorder which isn't any better than the previous. They told me that I was going to have it for the rest of my life and whisked me off like I could just simply deal with it. It broke me because I felt like the rest of my life was basically over. I wouldn't find love, I wouldn't find happiness and everything about me was just a huge mess of things that no one wanted. That alone was the reason why I was so angry and sensitive during early adulthood.
    Sorry if I came off harsh. Most people judge me for not taking my medication before they know the whole story behind it. I don't like it because it is very personal and trying to deal with that stuff when there's not much else I can do is a bit taxing. I would be happy taking any other set of medication that had the same effects because I know how much better I feel when I take them. The thing is, my health would be in the redzone and I would be having a ton of health complications. That's definitely not something that I need at my age.
    No, you don't have to be sorry about anything. You helped me a lot actually. I got a lot out and maybe I haven't sorted everything but I know that I can open up to you without worry. I don't mind when people bring themselves into a situation. I do it too and I know that you don't mean it in a "Me, Me, Me" way, I know that you mean it in a "I can relate to that" way. I'm glad we relate in ways because it makes me feel less alone and more like, someone knows what I'm going through. I always felt that even though people have different stories, we all feel the same thing. No, one thing might not work for another but it's all good. Hopefully you become a full member soon.