I know ultimately I will know what I truly am, but I need some advice at least. Okay, here are some general facts, I'm 24 going on 25, embarrassing to say I am a virgin still, come from a very traditional Catholic family, and am Catholic myself. I have always had crushes on guys and girls. I realized I may be bi in like seventh grade, but didn't fully acknowledge it till sophomore year of high school, and have known since. I tried to say I was straight to escape the confliction with my faith, never worked longer than a year and I just made myself miserable. I usually am proud to be bisexual, but I am the type who is either smack in between with my attractions, or swing more strongly for women I feel. Depends on how I feel. I have my "bi" days & more of my "gay" days. lol I am very monogamous though, get nothing wrong about that, this misconception pisses me off. I do not understand cheating. Anyway, so several times throughout my life however, I have wondered and fretted that maybe I really am a in denial lesbian. Though, it makes no sense since I have liked guys, and I find them attractive. But the problem is, I have had crushes on guys & think they're hot, but after I get in a relationship with them, that is instantly killed. Kissing them or touching them does nothing for me (even holding hands), it's like a wall. The longest relationship I have ever had was 8 months. I cared for him, but I also was angry a lot in our relationship for various reasons, every time I had to kiss him, even if I thought he was cute, made me anxious or I felt nothing and was always looking around. The concept with sex with a guy or a guy with his clothes off either had me blah, or want to vomit. Very rarely do I find the idea appealing and I want to in a way? But if it actually happened I know I would feel nothing or fear I will as usual cause that's my history. The only things that arouse me are gay porn or thinking of a woman, I just can't with guys. I find some men attractive by their face or torso & think they're "really hot," but I realized unless it's a specific guy I check out women FAR more than men. They're more attractive than men other than a good handful who I do find attractive. I have never been in a relationship with a girl before, other than my first kiss was with a girl and when I was a teenager-early twenties I messed around, but not sex, with a girl and that was way more comfortable and arousing for me, though I was close to her. But the concept of possibly somehow being a in denial lesbian scares me. I'm afraid I would have to act a certain way (which I know is not true), I would be a hypocrite & can never say a guy is attractive again (just appearance), or what if I did end up liking a guy who I could connect with? I don't want to end up turning back on what I said. & I could kiss goodbye ever being accepted by my family & being disowned. The "normal" view to them & many of my faith would be lost as a possibility. But, I become obsessive because no matter how much I try, I just can't connect with guys the way I do with girls. Unless I just haven't met the right guy yet, or I simply swing more towards women. Or somehow like a biromantic homosexual? I actually really like a girl right now & want to be in a relationship with her (she is bi or lesbian but I have not told her yet how I feel but plan to), & that part doesn't bother me. I don't mind being a bisexual with a girl. But for some reason I'm terrified if I tell myself I'm a lesbian I can't go back. I have nothing against lesbians, but I'm scared of being one. I mean, it makes sense from the guy connecting issue, but it doesn't make sense since I have had crushes on guys or find some attractive, just once it gets in the relationship part I become numb or anxious/dread even if I thought I really really liked them at first. I don't know if that's just my fear no matter the gender because I'm afraid of being hurt or I have shut down sexually unless I really love someone no matter the gender, I somehow am graysexual or asexual in some ways (but with a higher libido), or what. Maybe I don't like that constricting label BECAUSE I am bisexual & to me I like who I like & I would feel suffocated with a label I know doesn't suit me. Or since I know many think ill of bisexuals (saying they switch around & can't commit....I hope I don't sound like this...if I can solve this guy question I am totally find again being the happy bisexual who loves one person no matter the gender), I am trying to force myself to pick a side & know I wouldn't be straight because that would make me more miserable. Sorry, I hope I don't sound too much like a hypocrite, attention needing, typical confused girl, or whatever. I especially hope I have not insulting any lesbian or bisexual. But, I am as a now a bisexual & proud of it, just am afraid of using a label that isn't me somehow & insulting others & just want piece of mind for me. I'm just the type who likes having a label to be comfortable with to express myself. I'm just so confused, this happens on & off so many times since high school & it spirals me into depression for awhile. Advice would be appreciated.
You might have a look here: Am I Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, or Transgender? There is romantic and sexual attraction... I'd say not to concentrate so much on a label. If you have a nice time with your girlfriend, why not enjoy what you have, getting to know each other, and taking it from there... Some women have changed their orientation later, so why not simply enjoy now what you feel and have ? (*hug*)
I think if the thought of impending sex with a man makes you feel sick enough you want to vomit, whether you're bi or lesbian, it sound like you prefer women.
This is actually freakishly similar to how I feel. I thought I was bi for a while because I find both guys and girls attractive and had always dreamed of having a boyfriend. But I went to an orthodox all-girls school and only experienced hard-core crushes on girls. But while I still find some guys attractive the thought of having sex with one makes me super uncomfortable. I can watch gay or lesbian porn but straight porn grosses me out. So since I'm only sexually attracted to women I identify now as a lesbian. I'm also a virgin with no experience with either gender so I am open to the idea that I might meet a guy that will make me feel differently - but I doubt it. You should try not to need to label yourself. Sexuality is a spectrum and there just isn't a word for every level of attraction towards every gender. Hope that helped a little
