I've been feeling resentment toward my brother lately because of a few things. I haven't been doing well balancing with college work, and I haven't been doing well finding a job. I did have a job awhile ago, but I quit within two weeks because I couldn't handle the terrible customers, the work environment being always busy, and the management and co-workers being he absolute worst people ever. I hate myself because I can't seem to hold down a job and not worry about he future of everything. I've seen a social worker for the past year and she believes that I have social anxiety disorder. She wants me to try for something less interactive with people or something that Allows me to be creative and independent. I started doing Art and Music and I really love it. It has been taking me away from feeling miserable and depressed about everything. Problem is that I can't really get paid for it. I tried doing another job again, but I had another problem questioning the managent's motives about safety guidelines and eventually quit. Now since that, I always end up seeing workers from that job and I feel that they hate me and think I'm pathetic for quitting an "easy" job. I feel I should've just stayed behind the scenes and just go to work every day and not question anything about it. Then again, I got back into art again and tried College. I ended up choosing general studies for a major and hoped to enter the science field in order to be successful and not be considered a person with a worthless degree and be judged for that. I had another failure with that. I didn't understand a few things and asked the professors of those courses I was taking at the time. A lot of them acted very inhospitable towards with accusations of me "never learning things in high school". Some of them didn't want to help me at all. I felt alone at the time. There were group studies that were encouraged but no one on the campus didn't even want to bother with talking to me. I made the effort of trying to get someone to study but they didn't want to and insulted me about my nervousness and called me a creep. I just dropped out of college because the work piled up thanks to one teacher handing out three assignments and another class handing out a full blown essay assignment and the other two classes handing out Two assignments each. I just kind of stopped attending class because all those students kept staring at me. At lot of them seemed very terrible and hostile. I didn't want to go back again. I just kept sketching more things and playing more music at my house. I had no job or any chance of succeeding in college once again. I accompanied my brother on a trip to the store. I met a friend of mine and he was cool with me talking to him. My brother was just watching our conversation. After that, on the drive home, he started telling me why can't I just "grow up" and stop being so afraid of everything. He kept suggesting to me about using my military background to join the fbi, reenlist again, or go into a private military group and make a lot of money instead of staying home with my parents. It really made me upset that he hated that I wasn't doing anything. I stoped talking to him since and I keep recollecting that moment over and over and I can't stop thinking about it. I feel like this is the end of the line for me because I can't get anywhere with my life and nnothing seems to be going good anymore. I just don't know what I want anymore.
I think that you need to find a therapist. You seem to have anxiety about being judged and when it comes to social situations. A therapist should help you break down some of your negative thought processes and replace them with positive ones.
About jobs, keep trying. Do something different, doesn't matter what it is. If you don't feel ok working in stores, then don't, try something else. How do you do this? Well, take a paper and write down your skills : Just what you can do. Then, at another paper write down what you love to do. Try to find a compromise between both. It worked for me. About your social anxiety, it's going to get worse with social isolation. I'd try college again, to take just a few clases, or maybe another college. Try little steps, but try... Everyday. Even if it's talking to some clerk at the mall, try to talk to at least one person every single day. Think about yourself, your good side. You need to rebuild your self-confidence. Try to remember those times when people said good stuff about you. Picture those times again, and again, like a movie. Use those memories to get where you want to go. They are free tools at your dispossal, and from what you wrote, you need this badly right now. You need to break the circle. Therapy could also help, but the change, the difference is going to be made by you only. So this is in your own hands.
You really sound like you have social anxiety disorder. Here's the thing though, your brother doesn't understand and he will never understand what you felt going through any of these things. He can not relate to something that he has never felt and he will just see it as laziness or lack of maturity. This is not the case and if he can't realize that, then you must remember it. You are trying as hard as you can under your circumstances. You're trying a lot more than people with social anxiety usually do. Also, I just want to point something out. If you go to school and try hard to learn, like really try to understand to the best of your ability and asking about the things you do not understand, and you still fail, then you have not failed as a student--the teacher failed at being a teacher. It is their job to teach you as hard as you try to learn and if they don't, then it's malpractice. It's as if you'd go to the doctor and say "Hey, I've got this gash in my leg and it's really bleeding a lot. I really think I might die." and he answers "I don't have time for this shit. Just heal, people can heal and if you don't, you'll never survive this injury."
