Hey guys/gals, first time posting here to have some insight from you folks about my situation.. I'm 24 yrs old guy trying to figure out a lot of things in my life and one of them being my sexuality. To give a little history about myself, I've always thought of being straight, have always been attached to women sexually but have struggled attaching emotionally. I've had crushes exclusively to girls but they never led to anything fruitful (mind you that I have to say my low self esteem had played a part in this). Girls have always approached me and have been interested in starting a relationship with me but something always prevented me from taking that risk.The last girl I tried having an intimate relationship didn't workout very well and that started leading me to ask questions in regards to my sexuality. I have never had any emotional or sexual attachment to men, but my lack of success with relationships with women has me second guessing my orientation to a point where my mind has been blowing out of proportions. I won't lie, because of these questions in my head, I have been becoming more curious about having sex with a man, just to come to conclusion with these questions but whenever I look at a man today, I can't seem to get attached sexually to fulfill that curiosity. This has got me confused to a point where I compulsively research these feelings to see what is going on with me.. I went as far as paying a prostitute (yes shame on me) to see how I'd feel about it and all there was was anxiety. I didn't like it, mainly maybe because I was mostly worried about what kind of sickness I may get rather than knowing my orientation but it didn't help. I feel like the walls are closing down on me, I get homosexual thoughts here and there and at first, the thought of being gay frightened the hell out of me but i then came to terms that there was nothing wrong in being gay so long as you can find love. The problem with this is that, these questions have me now questionning about my whole identity. I'm starting to worry now that, if I am gay and always thought I was straight, what if in the future I become a transvestite for instance? I'm losing control of my thoughts and it's preventing me from be able to live my life. I can't have any decent conversation with any strangers. Specifically women. My sex drive has gone to extreme lows and so has my self confidence. I ask myself if im maybe suffering from OCD? I did have a phase in middle school where fear of death had consumed part of my childhood but therapy helped. I have heard about HOCD but not sure if it's an actual disorder or not. It's like my brain keeps telling me, you're gay but in denial and when I accept the thought of me being gay, it calms me down. But anxiety kicks back in with confusion after confusion. I start tearing up randomly and I can't seem to get to the bottom of this. I feel like I have lost touch with my masculinity because of these thoughts and that's causing me to have a lot more anxiety added to it. To conclude, I just want to regain control of my life, get to school and get a degree without having to worry about this situation. My family depends on me and it would be heartbreaking for me to fail them. If I am gay, I want to be able to accept it and just be happy but the feelings are confusing me to hell. I also wanted to add that I consumed marijuana since the age of 17 every single day up until a couple of days ago, thinking it would be the reason to all this paranoia. Sending out much love to you guys and hope that you guys aren't going through what I'm going through because not going to lie.. even suicide has crossed my mind to end this loss of sanity.
You should see a therapist to help you sort this all out. I would take it easy, come down and lead a if possibly stress free life for a while, and eat a healthy diet: lots of fruits and vegetables, drinking lots of water. This might help clear the body from substances. Meditation and daily exercises might help: a few situps in the morning and evening, or some activities you like: biking, swimming, walking... As you describe it, you will go back to school. This could be a time to lead a more balanced life, talk about your issues with a therapist, and maybe join a few clubs and activities you like. So you could get to know both men and women on a friendship basis, and take it from there. Building a partnership I would not see as a primary goal at this time. (*hug*)
I was thinking OCD right before you mentioned it. Take a look at The Man Who Couldn't Stop by David Adam. I haven't read it yet but I heard him in an interview and found it very enlightening. Take a box of pencils and sharpen them down to random lengths and throw them into a pile. Then take them out one by one and put them into three piles of short, medium, and long. You might need to make a judgement call on ones that are between short and medium and medium and long. Now mix them all up again and this time put them in a line from short to long. Do you still see the short, medium, and long categories? Do you see how the categories were something we just made up and they don't really exist? What if gay and straight didn't really exist either? What if they were just made up categories? Imagine for a moment that you truly believed this and that your attraction to people was just an attraction to people and their gender simply didn't matter to you. Would that change your anxiety at all? If not then perhaps something more is going on. To be honest I think it's going to take a lot of hard work on your part to get to a better place in your life. There's no need for you to suffer alone. Look into counseling again. As we get older it tends to be more effective. Good luck, I wish you the best.
