I'm OK at interacting with people, but because I'm used to hiding and obfuscating emotions, so it takes me a long time to show things such as sadness or anger (even though I have a short temper) and it seems almost impossible for me to show things like gratitude and happiness, even though I laugh a lot. I've also noticed people tend to crack jokes when having normal conversations. I don't seem to be able to do this, and I get frustrated with myself for being so stoic all the time. I also have a nervous laugh in tense situations, which I try to prevent myself from having. What should I do?
First thing: there is nothing "wrong" with you. Second thing: try to avoid comparing yourself to other people. You can only be you - not someone else. Don't be fooled by people who crack lots of jokes either... sometimes, people crack jokes to mask feelings of insecurity. There is a place for joking and a time for laughter, but it's not appropriate in all normal conversations. I'm afraid you haven't had the best role models when it comes to connecting with your feelings. You've told us many times how both of your parents have been detached and critical of you, how they have tried to "correct" problems they see in you. Instead of nurturing and supporting your development in a loving home they have both been unkind and abusive, at times. All of these things can combine to make you feel less than adequate and somehow lacking in what you think you ought to be. Even though you have been amazingly stoic in standing up to them and refusing to accept their irrational views, there is a distinct possibility that some of the negativity has seeped in and created an inner critic. If you have internalised some of the bad messages (and it would be hard not to), you need to recognise what they are and try to separate yourself from them. Try to recognise what's happening Zen and take back control. Instead of focusing on things in a negative way, focus on the positive things about you... write them down if necessary, so you have a visible reminder. If there are things you need to work on that's fine. We all need to find ways to improve ourselves and it's good to embrace the challenge, but don't get carried away by listening to inner voices of doubt and self-criticism that can build up over time. Take pride in your stoicism and find an outlet for your feelings. You've shared them here before, so you're not entirely closed off to them.
I was very shy in Primary School, mainly because part of the bullying was me being excluded from games, playing with other children, etc etc. I was very talkative at home though. I never used to look at someone when they were talking to me, and I used to talk very quietly. I get angry at myself for slipping into these tendencies sometimes.
Dad (he says he doesn't like how quiet I am) said when I was about 7 someone who works in the psychology field said I exhibited traits that were on the spectrum. All 3 of my brothers have some degree of Aspergers or Autism, but I wasn't diagnosed with it. This made it worse for a while, because I thought I had social anxiety. I'm horrible at continuing conversations and breaking silences.
