Death of a gay man

You said you´re a doctor, so you cannot give up

 

There is more options than suicide, if it is your country which is making you feel this way, then whats to stop you moving out and starting a life someplace new?

 

You don't want to kill yourself. If you did, you wouldn't have written anything here and neither would you plan it instead of just doing it. But you did write something here and you might not realize it, but it's a cry for help--you want us to talk you out of it.

Things may seem bleak, but there's always a way out. In your case I'd suggest leaving the country. There's plenty of other places to make a life for yourself, places where people like you are treated fairly.

 

Why would you work to become a docter, and then kill yourself just as you succeed? That makes no sence.

As others have said, have you considered moving? You worked hard in your life, and it paid off. Or at least it can. Don't let that go to waste. You have a great life ahead of you. If you decide to live it.

 

Nobody can tell you what to do, think or feel Ray and nobody can truly understand how desperate it must feel to be gay in Saudi Arabia. I for one cannot argue from my position of comfort in the UK, but I ask you, is suicide really the only option? Have you really exhausted every possibility open to you, including things that have been suggested and discussed in other threads? I don't present these questions to you in a challenging way, but I would be interested to know if you see zero hope in any of those things.

We are here for you, for as long as you need us. (*hug*)

 

I wish you would listen to what has been said above.

Please DON'T.

What you've done is remarkable. Don't let it go to waste. Those of us who try to understand what is going on around the world DO understand how difficult your situation is, given how hard you've fought and where you're located.

Everybody's story is different. Depression has been the story of my life. And the bottom of the troughs have been the worst parts, and I empathize with the dark and the deep pain you must feel. I decided to go for small victories - to look for simpler pleasures and to live a smaller life. Can you attempt to scale back and bring more joy into your life? Do you have OTHER options, such as relocating or working as a traveling doctor? I don't know all the options but, clearly, there are better ones. You are in a helping occupation. People need you and, while you may not always see it, they appreciate you. Please don't underestimate that.

Like everyone has said, we are listening and want you to go on, contributing to society.

 

If you are willing to throw away your life, you should at least consider leaving everything behind, and moving somewhere safer, where you can be who you are.

Nobody can replace you.

 

NO!!, you think your death will fix anything...! I am middle-eastern from a muslim background too, at school the wrecked my pokemon card collection because they said pokemon means I am jewish (language department of the school confirmed). I ran around thinking wtf..it's poket monsters..what the???

Now they freaking had a band sing pokemon theme on Arab's Got talent..and that band has wailing fans...(they are a metal band..when I was growing up that was considered satan worshipping).

What I am saying is...I know it is very hard to not see any hope from our people, but hopefully one day they will wake up from their madness. You killing yourself only feeds their hating fire of (will...that's what gays do..they kill themselves). Hang on...prove them effing wrong. That's what I am doing.

Please friend .

Edit: Also stop taxing your self for people who do not appreciate it, you working hard won't make a difference to bigotted assholes. They are retarded, they don't care they have no emotions of gratitude. Once they know you are gay they'll drop you anyhows...I did the same..became a pharmacist did everything to tell the world..I come in peace...I am not here to end the world. They believe what they believe for their own comforts...do the same..and move on and away.

 

Hi, you have previously acknowledged you are suffering from depression and this is distorting your thinking .. Get some perspective back by talking to people and start with EC people. There are dozens of people on EC who would talk to you for hours and hours until you can see a better way of living .. Your one beautiful life on Earth

 

Your job is to save lives, that includes yours. You're a Doctor, aren't you financially stable? Move to another country... There you'll find freedom and happiness

 

Dear GayRay,

I cannot imagine your situation, and I don't pretend to tell you that whatever you are going through wouldn't be warranting such extreme pain that you are so tired of it. But people who feel suicidal (has happened to me) usually it's not that we want to die, it's because we feel like the pain is more than we can handle. And today, maybe that pain is more than you can stand. I'm so glad you checked in and said you would wait. Because suicide will not relieve your pain, you will be gone. And while your outlook right now is bleak, there are a hundred thousand tiny little things that can bring us happiness, and so many ways that things could possibly change for you in the future. Things may be horrible, but there is a chance they could change. Suicide will not end the pain, suicide will take away any chance at happiness that you have. Even if it is one in a hundred, isn't that worth it? Aren't you worth it? You are worth it. Take a piece of paper, and write anything that brings you the tiniest bit of happiness, anyone who makes you smile even a little bit, any sort of dream you have for the future, be it a book you haven't read, a place you haven't visited, a person you haven't met because you two don't even know you exist yet. There's always hope, no matter how tiny, how small. You are worth that hope. You are worth it. I am a total stranger on the internet, and the thought of you taking your life brings me sadness, and I hope for you that you realize that there are so many people, many you may not even be thinking of, that would miss you so terribly if you took your life. My heart is with you, please believe that there is hope and this world is better with you in it (&&&)

 

please consider all possible alternatives. could you go to europe and ask for asylum? the world needs doctors. and the world needs you! please decide to postpone this idea indefinitely. everyone here supports you and hopes to see you walk through this pain.

 

As a doctor, you are a hero! You're not just a gay man, you are a great man.
The world needs people like you, and there are many people here who love you!

 

Someone brought up an interesting point. I don't know what restrictions your country has on travel or on emigration, but your profession may be your ticket out. You could for instance, if Saudi Arabia permits it, apply to Doctors Without Borders (MSF), which is in great need always, and especially now with the Ebola crisis. They do fairly long rotations, which can help you get out of your current rut, and also get contacts with doctors in other nations who my be able to help sponsor or recommend you for political asylum in another country. As a doctor, many nations would welcome you because you are a skilled refugee, not simply broke and desperate without skills.

I was suicidal for most of my life, and during that time there was nothing anyone could say to stop me. I also felt strongly that no one else had a right to tell me not to, to tell me to keep suffering when they did not have to live my life and had no intention to fix me. But, it did help me to look at websites where other suicidal people understood me. Life is a very beautiful thing really - surely you as a doctor know the wonder of cells coming together to make things breathe and move and even think! But, the pain is the thing you want to end. It's ok and even normal to feel you want terrible pain to stop. So does anyone with a bad wound. When I felt I could take it no longer, I found a website that said simply to breathe - not to think about life as one huge long piece, but simply to focus on one step at a time, one minute at a time, and focus on breathing through that. If I could make it through that minute, and maybe even 5 minutes, maybe I could keep breathing slowly in the nose and out the mouth, until I made it through the hour, or even the night. And to try to sleep and think about it again in the morning. If I still struggled, to try it again, to breathe and see if I could get through the first hour, the next, to lunch, to afternoon, maybe through to another day. That if one is going to kill oneself, really there is no hurry, it could be done tomorrow, or possibly even next week. Just to see if there is any way to survive, or lessen the pain, for just a little longer.

I have to say, I went back to that website often to help me calm down, and try again to keep living for one more hour, or one more day. Then one day, after I had put in a ton of work while breathing to try to change the things I COULD change about my life, things got better. I was under a ton of pressure, I had changed nearly everything in my life including how I ate, where I lived, my job, who I spent my time with, and I thought "I think I need to kill myself today, this is too overwhelming." I got all the things that were part of my suicide plan together and started to do it... and then I thought - "let me wait until next week, let me just see what happens now that everything has changed, let me get used to it and see if it's better. I promise myself if it's not I'll kill myself." But the very next week, I was in this new life, and the sun was shining this one day, and I just realized - I DID feel better. Sure, it took some 25 years to get to that point, but... it was the first day I thought maybe I didn't want to do it as much as I wanted to keep living. And the next day I checked in with myself again, and again, I was not in so much pain, I thought "I'll put it off to tomorrow."

It is now 8 years later, and I never felt suicidal again in all that time. I guess I finally found the right combination that worked. And if I hadn't held on one more day, for a bunch of different days, I would never have found it. But now, life is the most precious thing, and so full of beautiful moments and images and sounds and tastes, and yes, people - I would never ever want to end that or miss out on it. I feel sad when I think of all the time I suffered, and that I really would never have seen how great it got if I didn't hang on. I feel so lucky and happy now, it's hard to describe.

No one has the right to tell you to continue suffering. But from one person who wanted to end their life to another, I can tell you it really did get better, and I am glad beyond glad that I held on to see what would happen to me. You really never know what life holds for you just around the corner. I'm not the only one who I know that this happened to either, for many people I have known in a similar situation, it really did get better - they just had to hang on long enough, because life is not a fast or predictable thing.

I have a few other things to tell you that may possibly help:
1. People really do care about you, even if you can't feel it. You matter to me now, even though we have never met. You matter to a lot of people here.

2. The fact that you became a doctor and have survived this long being gay speaks volumes to your strength and capability. You can do a lot more than you probably think you can do. Consider the possibility that perhaps you have the strength to overcome this, even if you don't have the knowledge as to how to find your way yet. Just be open to it.

3. You are probably a huge inspiration to people around you you don't even know about. Your death might very well be a sign to a young kid who wants to grow out of his circumstances to be a doctor, or even to be a healthy gay man (if perhaps a child somewhere sense something about you that is like him), that there is no hope. If you keep on a little longer, you may find a way out of this pain and the people who are secretly looking up to you right now may yet be able to follow your example and become all they are dreaming to be. You may not feel like much of a success right now, but they see you as one, and you matter to them. As a doctor, you actually matter to a lot of people, and I bet you have helped a lot of people and even saved lives that would not be here if not for you. You matter. A LOT.

4. You are really not alone. There are gay men all over the Middle East feeling just as you do.
Here is a gay Muslim professor in the US who writes many articles on Islam and Homosexuality:
Queering the Qur?an | VICE | United States
Here is an article about gay men in Pakistan:
BBC News - Gay Pakistan: Where sex is available and relationships are difficult
Here is an article about gay men in Saudi Arabia specifically:
https://themuslimissue.wordpress.co...sh-in-saudi-arabia-the-kingdom-in-the-closet/
And here is an article about a gay imam:
http://www.rnw.nl/english/article/gay-imam-spreads-message-homosexuality-not-sinful

This is the website for that imam's outreach, called The Inner Circle: A GLOBAL MUSLIM COMMUNITY FREE FROM DISCRIMINATION BASED ON RELIGION, SEXUAL ORIENTATION AND GENDER IDENTITY
http://theinnercircle.org.za/

You are really not alone in your struggles or how you feel. And many have found ways to exist and to even find happiness around these obstacles, so there is still hope for you. Remember that where there is still breath, there is still hope.

 

I've been there to the point of hospitalization and trust me there are plenty of things in life worth living for!

 

Is emigration an option for you? If not, why not?

 

GayRay,

I'm a doctor and I've been suicidal too. It wasn't long ago.

Although I cannot relate to living in the KSA, I can relate to the other thoughts you have expressed.

When I was really struggling, I came across this web site, written by a physician who is an expert in physician depression: Why Physicians Commit Suicide | Pamela Wible MD

I ended up talking with her on the phone. And she was particularly aware of the challenges of being gay and a doctor.

I chose to stay alive, and please do the same.

All of us are here for you, and we do understand.

I'll do whatever I can to help you.

Big hug.