It's basically in the title. I'm feeling insanely dysphoric and also depressed about my ex of two years even though we broke up 6 months ago and feeling like there's no way I'll be able to trust another person. I've been constantly writer-blocked so I can't even do the one thing I am good at. One of my friend told me to give myself a compliment and I couldn't. I tried but anything I thought something up my brain gave a dozen reasons why it wasn't true. I truly feel like there's just no point in trying anymore. I can't get CBT therapy to sort through my anxious thoughts because no therapist wants to step on the GIC's toes, but I won't see them until April/May and I don't feel able to wait any longer. And even if I do get there it'll be a long process cause of shit in my past. It'll take multiple appointments that'll be months apart just to get on hormones. And even with hormones and top surgery (I've heard too many stories about lower surgery so I've decided I won't do it), I won't be a real man. I feel like nobody is ever going to be able to look past the fact that I'm trans, and even if they do I'm so mentally fucked up they wouldn't want to stay. My GP won't give me anti-depressants because he thinks I'm doing okay (HA!) and also the last two I tried reacted badly with me (panic attacks, etc). I'm just ranting here, I don't know.
I can't exactly relate to your situation, but I understand you when you feel suicidal. I've had multiple attempts to suicide, but when was life ever a walk in the park? You go through difficult times in order to do better the next time, and so when you apply what you learn, there's a sense of accomplishment and achievement because that shows you understood the solution and knew when to apply it. But when you suicide you can't really learn from your mistake. You can, however, learn from other people's mistakes, like ending their life and never taking another breath ever again. Sounds scary huh, but when you're feeling suicidal it's not scary at all, right? Give it a couple days, and see how you feel then. Until you reach your therapist, come back to EC and rant all you want, usually helps.
Calix, I'm really sorry you are struggling like this, but I'm pleased you created this thread to give you a place to vent. Try to think vent, rather than rant. There is a difference and it's much better if you recognise that you are venting about your feelings and frustrations. Venting is a positive thing as it helps to release a bit of emotional steam.. if only for a short while (ranting has a more negative and unproductive feel to it, don't you think?). It sounds like you need a place to share it all right now and this is a good place - you are amongst people who have some understanding of what you are going through, even if they are not experiencing it from exactly your point of view. You're feeling super vulnerable at the moment as so many things have combined to bring you down. Maybe if you could look at things seperately and focus on dealing with one thing at a time it would help? Easier said than done, I know, but worth a try. If writing is normally your thing, could you get busy by logging your feelings, so you have a visible account to refer to? It helps some people to do that. It's disgraceful that you are having to wait so long for appointments, but that's how screwed up the health system is in places, I'm afraid. Have you contacted any organisations in the charitible sector for help and guidance? There are organisations that may be able to offer interim support with your mental health and gender issues until the appointments start to come through. If you feel as though you are not being heard they may even be able to help you with advocacy and crisis support/intervention. Have you checked out Mind's website, as a starting point? It includes links to other organisations too: Home | Mind, the mental health charity - help for mental health problems When you're feeling like you can't cope it's important to reach out for support and talk to someone about it. Just having someone to vent to can let out the pressure a bit more and see you through a crisis. Typing your feelings out again on this thread may help, but there are organisations that can be there for you too in those moments, if you need them. Do consider it. It says in your signature that you give free hugs, but I think you could do with a few of those yourself right now. (&&&) When you are going through so much it's hard to see any positives and hope can drain away, but don't give in to it. Don't bottle things up when there are so many people rooting for you. Count me as one them!
Hi, Thanks for your replies. It's nice to know someone cares I guess. I managed to pull myself up somehow. I'm doing whatever writing I can and trying to tone down the inner criticism if I can only manage a sentence or two. I'm part of a mental health support group at work and another member has given me her number and told me to call her next time I'm feeling as bad. I've no clue if I will. I tend to judge myself for relying on others in any sense, I should be able to handle things on my own. Army dad go figure :dry: Thanks for the hugs (&&&)
