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Do you think this is the reason why I never ask anybody out?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by edy, Jan 18, 2015.

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  1. edy

    edy
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    See, when I about 12 or 13, I fell in love with a fellow classmate, he was very very handsome, very popular among other students etc.

    At first, this guy sent me very mixed signs: he told me that I was handsome except when I used makeup to cover my Madonna-like mole (I was very insecure about this at the time), so basically this guy told me that I was handsome just the way I was, that I should accept myself blah blah blah. We made team at gym class, I helped him with other subjects etc etc we weren't exactly close maybe because I was so anxious. He lived just a few block away from my house, so I remember one night where the local circus was behind my place and I saw him standing right there, on this own. I walked towards him very slowly (from behind so he couldn't see me) and I ended up a few millimeters aways from him :kiss: that was beautiful

    Even at this very young age, I struggled with social anxiety but I wanted to be as visible as possible in order to attract other guys. So, one day, I asked him if he wanted to be my boyfriend and he freaked out :lol: He was sending me other mixed signs, so this is why I dared to ask him (otherwise I wouldn't)...

    Then, everything changed. I was being bullied a lot by other students and he made fun of me, when I cried or when my behavior was socially awkward. I can't tell if he was just being mean or he wasn't taking it serious. I swear I saw signs at the time, maybe he was just playing around, or he freaked up when everybody started to bully me for being gay I can't tell...

    So, basically, among other things, I never ask anybody out, never dare to show my emotions. I know it's internalized homophobia but my high school year left me a bitter taste in my mouth. And I still feel that my attraction towards men is shameful
     
    #1 edy, Jan 18, 2015
  2. Monraffe

    Monraffe
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    Yes, this can certainly be the reason for your withdrawal from gay life. Rejection alone could have been enough for that to happen but you had the double whammy of being shamed for having expressed your interest. I'm not surprised you have a bitter taste from the experience.

    We can't know what was in this guys head that made him react the way he did. Speculating, he might have been gay but wasn't ready to admit it yet. Your asking him out showed him that others could see his "gayness." Or maybe he was straight and didn't like the fact he was sending off gay vibes. Whatever it was, he chose to get defensive and attack your character to save his own.

    As for your social anxiety, my impression is yours is not as bad as some considering you are willing to put yourself out there like you did. I do think your withdrawal has to do with having been burned but this is not as permanent as you might be thinking. Perhaps you won't be as bold the next time but that doesn't mean you are ready to throw in the towel for good either. Shame won't change who you are. You will wake up tomorrow still being attracted to men. Accept it.
     
    #2 Monraffe, Jan 18, 2015
  3. edy

    edy
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    I know, sometimes I think my life would be easier if I stopped being attracted to men so much lol, not like I want to be attracted to women, I would love to be asexual or something

    And this is only one of my stories, by the way. I tried a few times more but didn't work

    My anxiety is worse now than it was back in the day. I had more guts when I was much younger, maybe I was just naive and innocent (today I'm a lot more cynical)
     
    #3 edy, Jan 18, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2015
  4. Mero

    Mero
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    It'll never get easier, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy it.
    Its better to run than to curse the road.
    Be proud to be who you are. I mean being you is tough. Giving in would only make those bullies win. Do you really want to give them that satisfaction?
    I hope you find someone that will make you glad you've met them, but that means you have to look. Wonder around, go on walks, keep your head up.
    Anxiety is a poison with the only antidote being you. There can be others who can provide help, but it will only go away when you are ready, and whenever your ready is,
    Run.
    And if you just want to be left alone, that's cool too.
    Whenever your ready is, you will be ready.
    Remember there will never be a "better time."
     
    #4 Mero, Jan 18, 2015
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