I feel worthless. Life is starting to mean nothing to me anymore. I have not felt this way since I left the small homophobic town I grew up in. I just need some hope I get through this depression.
Could you say more about your depression? If we want to find a solution, we need to know more. What thoughts are bothering you every day? What is your situation right now (who do you live with, etc etc)? Help us so we can help you.
I live in a very stressful situation. I live with my boyfriend and we are currently living paycheck to paycheck every month and suffering because of it. Things just keep going downhill and I just feel helpless. If I tell my boyfriend about my depression I am afraid he'll be offended because he will think I have no faith in him. I used to think we can get through these hard times but I don't know anymore. I had depression most of my life and I am afraid it's coming back. I do go to therapy and take medication and stuff like that.
Have you discussed with your therapist your fear that the depression is returning? From what you're describing, it sounds like that might be a good first step. Another piece to really think about, and discuss with your therapist: In a healthy relationship, people need to be able to share everything that is going on with them. If you're withholding something pretty primary and vital about who you are from your partner, then there's a wall there. And when that wall is there, it's affecting not just that piece, but your overall sense of connection to your boyfriend. Think of it this way: One explanation for your fear is that somehow your boyfriend won't love you unconditionally if you tell him. Another explanation is that if you tell him, it will crush his self-esteem or make him feel like you don't love him unconditionally. In either case, the behavior of not telling him is codependent; either way, you're withholding something from him because you fear that he can't handle it. If that's a symptom of a bigger issue (meaning, that sort of thing comes up in other ways,) then that is something for both of you to explore in therapy, whether separately or together, because it will eventually really undermine the health of the relationship.
I have not seen my therapist since my depression has returned. It is just the stress of everything. We are living in poverty in a building where no one fixes anything at least not right away. We have a electrical outlet that is broken that could be a fire hazard that is not fixed yet. I love my boyfriend but no he couldn't handle my depression or anything like that. The reason is because I know he is suffering too. My boyfriend nows I struggled with depression in the past but does not know I have it again. I know my boyfriend would love me either way cause I been with him for two years and know his mindset. He would talk me out of it and be all lovable about it.
It is good that you are talking about the feelings. It is also really important that you keep engaged and not just give up. Since you know your boyfriend does love you... and your family does also, in spite of what they may think about the gay thing... ending your life would devastate a lot of people around you. I know that right now it seems like it might be a solution, but it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and it's really important to see that. I haven't lived in a building like you are describing but I've been in some pretty shitty places in my life and have had thoughts similar to the ones you're having. And I think the most important thing to remember is that, as real and unsolvable as the problems seem now, they really are solvable in the big picture. May I suggest you call your therapist right now, using whatever emergency procedure is in place? I know without a doubt that your therapist would want to know and would want the chance to talk with you and help you. Please take that step.
Thanks for the support. My family and boyfriend would be devastated if I did anything like suicide and I know it is not the answer. I may feel like life is hopeless but I know it will get better. I just got to keep on going.
Hi Dano, I am glad to read that you are writing/saying this and to see that you know that life can get better. And you know what? It will. Everything you are going through is temporary. You know that your boyfriend and family love you. Even though it is hard, try to let them know what you are going through. Letting others know can help to make a difference in how you feel about things. Their support, and you knowing that they love you, and are there for you, can help in keeping you motivated to keep going, and working on things. As Chip suggested, try to call your therapist. If you can't reach your therapist at the moment, try to call a help/support line. Talking out loud about your thoughts and feelings can really help as well in knowing/realising that you can turn things around. You will get through this, and things will get better for you. (*hug*)
Just reading that you decided not to end it is a huge relief, even for me, a complete stranger! You two love eachother, and both of you are there for the other. It's not "exploiting him" to tell him about how you feel, and you need to remind yourselves that you're not alone in this. If there is something worth fighting for, it's something you already have found in eachother
