Hello Ec..... I come here today bearing bad news... After I thought I had managed to pull myself out of the rut that was my life, I seem to have fallen back in. Many changes have happened to me over the past few days. For instance, I got my first job. I'm making decent pay for the hours I work. It's not the job thats bothering me though. I have recently fallen hard for someone in my life, someone that I fell for before. Someone that I spent 4 years crushing on even though I knew they were straight. Every glorious second I spent with him made me more than happy, it made me feel like I finally, for once in my life, belonged, and that I do deserve the happiness that I so often tell myself I don't. I miss him, I havn't seen bim in almost a year now and it hurts me so much. There is no other individual soul on thos planet that I would ever say, without a doubt, that this person is my true love. He completed me, and he never knew it. Every second I spent near him sent tingles throughy body. I smiled more when I was around him, and I had more confidence in myself... He never knew that I was secretly fallen for him, but to me, it would have probably ruined the friendship if he did. He once lept into my arms when I told him some good news. Im a rather large guy, at 6"5, its hard to knock me down but, at that instant, my knees couldnt hold the weight of my joy... My heaet skipped a beat and that moment lasted an eternity. We once were on a school bus in the same seat together... It was late as we traveled home from a bad competition (we were in marching bad together) and he gently fell asleep on my shoulder... I pretended to sleep, and felt absolute bliss in that hour trip home... I guess my point is, My feelings are coming back after I thought I had supressed them. I dont have any friends to support me this time Like I did last. None of my friends seem interested in texting me anymore... Without that critical support structure for myself... I fear my depression and low self esteem will overcome my willpower... I ask for some love and comfort, and maybe some advice id you have any... As of right now, I would be completely okay of my life were to end. To end the heartache and the misery. The self loathing. It also doesnt help that I still do not accept myself for being gay.... That doesnt help either, and since my parents arent very open to the idea either... I am very much on my own right now... I just want to curl up in a ball and cry...
Arkangel, I'm really sorry to hear that you feel so low right now and I don't doubt the reality of those feelings for one minute. I hope it may reassure you to know that we are all here for you, while you are feeling so alone. Even though we don't know you in real life, and we may be many hundreds or thousands of miles away, it doesn't mean we care any the less for your struggling and suffering. You are part of our community and we love you. I hope you believe that. If you need to talk, or vent, or cry while your strength is low, bring it here, we will think no less of you for it - I certainly won't. I'd rather you come here and talk to us than suppress the pain; when you try to keep a lid on your feelings it intensifies the pressure and fuels the despairing thoughts that seem to have crept into your life. So how about it? It's very easy for other people to dismiss what you felt as a 'crush'. It's a word that gets used all too often to describe, and sometimes minimise something that feels very real. From the words you used, I can sense that feeling of longing in your heart as you explain how much he meant to you. Even though it wasn't/couldn't be reciprocated, you loved him, didn't you? It would also be easy to say move on.. get over him, but that's not really helpful when you need support, so I'd rather you just talk as much as you need to. Talk to all of us on this thread and draw on our collective strength, or talk to me, if you want to. I don't mind. At the moment your confidence and self esteem is very low, it may even feel at rock bottom, but you have it within you to climb back up... really, you do. I have seen people turn it around from this sort of low place before and you can do it too. You may not believe in yourself right now and that's precisely when you need other people, like us, to believe in you. All of those feelings of love that you had haven't vanished into thin air Arkangel - I know that because you still have the capacity to describe them to us and to explain how they fitted so well with the guy you're missing so much. Do you think you can (in time) learn to tap into those feelings again and begin to love yourself a little bit? I think you deserve it. You know, there are many people on this forum who are struggling/have struggled with self acceptance relating to their sexual orientation (hello!!) and if you tell us about it and ask us about it we'll gladly share the burden with you. So, these suicidal feelings you're having... how about telling us about them? What would it really mean to you? It okay to talk about these feelings - in fact, it's better if you do. This is turning into a fairly long reply Arkangel, so I'll stop there and let you think about what I've said a little bit. I really hope you will lean on us for love and support. Huge hugs (*hug*)
Oh hun, don't beat yourself up about your feelings returning. The feelings I had for my first "girlfriend" are still there, even after 31 years. Both the good feelings and the bad feelings. The joy of being with her for the first time. And the pain of her using me to drop her off at her future fiances house the next day. Those feelings are a part of you, and they always will be. You have to accept that they are there, hidden in your memory sometimes, but there nonetheless. You need to learn how to change how you react to remembering those feelings. Something I'm still learning, but it can be done. Hang in there, you'll meet your ONE someday.
Hey. I get it. I keep falling back into the deep pit of hell, too. Crushing on somebody can hurt. Personally, I believe you WILL find somebody. if your friends can't support you in a time like this maybe they arent good friends... If you EVER need to talk to somebody I'm here
Arkangel, you should have messaged me man... I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, I have a similar situation where she completely fucked me over and yet I still have feelings for her, to this day. It really fucking hurts. But, sometimes it just can't be helped. Please don't feel as though you're not needed in this world, I know how much it can fucking suck when it starts to feel like that. You and I have the potential to be great friends, I don't want to lose you ever! You're a fantastic guy, no one should bring you down. (*hug*)
Thanks everyone for the calming thougts. They mean a lot to me. I just wish so much that I could at least accept myself. Maybe then things would get better. I have experimented with overdosing in meds before, and even though im not nearly as low as I was when I did that, the temptation is still there, and now, as I lose support blocks to my pyramid, I feel myself slipping ever so slightly back down to that pit where suicide becomes the ONLY answer. I pray all the time for gos to be with me and, at times I feel he isnt here, there are those times where I know he is carrying me on his shoulders. People call suicide weakness. I see it differently. For someone to go through so much pain and struggle every day of their lives that just waking up and dragging themselves out of bed, taking one more breath even seems like a chore. Knowing that just outside your door is a place of torment, that never wanting to move again because every waking moment of your life is full of emotional pain and hurt. If that is weakness, than call me weak. I dont know why I have such a hard time accepting myself or anything I do as worth more than dirt. I sincerely want ti be able to be proud of myself for once in my life. I want to be able to smile for no occassion when I feel happy. I want to know what it means to be happy in life, to feel that joy to be alive. All I feel now ia the overwhelming shadow of pain that looms over me. When yoy wake up with not even the energy to want to take a breath because of how much pain your heart is in, thats a problem. I wish I didnt have these problems... i probably belong in one of those very special hug jackets in a padded room... And yes... I did love him. I loved him more than life itself. I would walk a thousand miles if it meant I was just that much closer to him. Even if he was another thousand away. I wanted to, and still want to do nothing more than hold him close, hold his hands, look into his deep brown eyes and kiss him just ever so tenderly. To hold him up in my arms, safe and myne. Juat knowing he is happy is a major boost to myself. I need to move on, i tell myself all the time. Its wasting my time, thinking of someone I will never be with. But when he was so influential in me to make me think of being alone my entire life just because I beleive he owns my heart? To contemplate going back in time and changing my gender before birth? That must say something... If it makes me weak, if it makes me crazy, then so be it. I just want to be happy. But as I hold onto this one thread holding me down, I will never get away. I dont know that I ever want to know what its like to not love him... @Mischief. Sorry. It wont let me private message you. Im sorry I would have. You are like, the only friend I have on Ec so far.
It's alright man. I'm feeling just the same as you are about the world - You are so right about being suicidal and dragging yourself through the days as such a hardship makes you strong, not weak. It also makes you strong for the fact that you're willing to keep going. It is hard to move on from such a love, I get that. But you have to remember that there will be a day where you will find someone who loves you back. I'm starting to forget about the girl who did what she did to me, it's not worth getting upset to the point of being suicidal over someone who doesn't care for you anymore. That is also hard to say, no matter your amount of hurt and sadness, this guy may never come around. I'm sorry this is how you're feeling at the moment, I really am. (It's okay, you can just send me a wall message if you're ever feeling down. I'll try to cheer you up as best I can.) (*hug*) (*hug*)
Some people say that Arkangel, but some people have completely the opposite viewpoint - I'm one of them. I think it takes a certain amount of courage to contemplate ending it all, even in moments of incredible desperation; more courage still to act upon those thoughts. If you could see it from that perspective you may even begin to consider channelling that strength in a more positive way. You might not see it yourself Arkangel, but there were a number of positives in that quote from your latest posting, most significant of which is your continued repeating of the word want (see how I emphasised it for you ). I did so, because the word "want" represents continued hope.. hope for better things in life. You've got to want it. As I read the last paragraph of your latest post I saw a lot of rational thinking. You know what needs to happen, but you're just in a low place right now to act upon it or even consider taking steps forward. That's why you need support and that's why I hope you will keep talking to us. When you're low on strength and resolve it's important to reach out to people for hope and encouragement - it gives you an outlet for your feelings. Finally: Do you recognise that Arkangel? And this... It's from your own EC signature line. Well, it all sounds pretty good to me and maybe you need to think along those lines, right now. (*hug*) Believe it yourself and do as it says. You are worth it!
I honestly, from the bottom of my heart, want to thank you for ghe time you all take to try and help me. I just wish for my own sake that I had the strength to lift myself out of this rut that I am in. As of right now, i just want to say goodbye...
