I can't figure her out...

I like this girl who says she straight. The thing is, I'm not out of the closet either. We belong to the same group of friends and they don't know that I like girls too. I've been hanging out with her and the rest of my friends for nights out at the club almost every weekend recently and about a few months ago, I realized I was really into her and I started getting touchy with her - I started hugging her and holding her hands and what not. There were times that she would back off but most times she doesn't really react, there are even times when she would reciprocate. We'd cuddle a lot too when we'd all sleep at our friend's place. The thing is we aren't too touchy when it's just the both of us. But when we do get touchy at the club, it's like my hands are on waist or we'd be hugging or holding hands almost 80% of the time. We spent about a month apart from each other during the holidays and that got me thinking A LOOOOOT about how I feel for her and if she likes me back. I still can't figure it out until now, honestly. On the last day that we saw each other, she was especially touchy with me and I felt like she was just as sad as I was that we wouldn't be seeing each other for a while. When we met up again just recently, it's like nothing's changed. My hands were constantly on her the whole night and she just let me.

We went on a trip with our friends just recently and I honestly got so confused about what to do that I tried ignoring her for a while to test if she'd seek for my attention (which she doesn't do that at all. She wouldn't text or call me first, sometimes she wouldn't even reply to my texts and she honestly seems like she doesn't care sometimes). Surprisingly, she did try to seek for my attention hours after I started ignoring her. When we were just chilling and drinking with the rest of my friends that night, she said that she was feeling sad and "heartbroken" out loud and then a few minutes later, she moved closer to where I was and started talking to me and told me she'd accompany me to the convenience store to buy another drink and kept asking me to clink glasses with her and asked me to take selfies with her, telling me that's how she is when she's drunk. Later that night, I couldn't resist it anymore and I started caressing her collar bone and then she started rubbing her face against my hand. That drove me insane. She started hugging me too towards the end of the night and I swear I was on cloud 9. But, being the stupid ass that I am, I decided to ignore her again the next day and I feel like I fucked it up cause I think I've confused her way too much that when I tried to touch her later that night, she was backing off. I honestly love this girl and I think she is the most amazing person in the world but I think I just messed up everything with her and I don't want to lose her. PLEASE HELP ME. I don't know if she likes me back or not or if it's even worth my time.

 

Okay, guys. I read this too late. I saw her over the weekend again and everything is still as unclear as ever. You might hate me for how I acted and trust me, I'm kicking myself in the ass too. This might be a lengthy post but please bear with me 'cause I don't know how to explain this without going into detail.

She recently went on a trip out of town and she sent voice notes to our group's thread saying she was drunk and what not. Our other friend who she always talks to, and I mean always, replied and told us that the girl I like was "in love" with this tour guide who was cute. She didn't talk to him though. She just thought he was cute. They then started talking about the guy 'cause apparently our common friend knew him and what not. Moments after, the girl I like said she changed her mind, meaning she realized she doesn't like him anymore. IDK. Whatever. When she got back from her trip, I tried inviting her to some place where there rest of our friends were going but she said she'd pass cause she was too tired. That hurt like a bitch. She told me a few weeks back that she was going on another trip right after that so I asked her if she was still going and she said she wasn't sure.

Last Saturday, the night we usually meet up, I asked her if she was in town and she said yes. I invited her to go out with our friends again as we usually do and she said she'd go. I told her I just had to go somewhere for dinner with my family and that I'll be seeing her later that night. A few hours after, she said she'd be going with her best friend to her best friend's boyfriend's party somewhere near where I was. Later that night, when I was about to head to our regular hang out spot, I asked her where she is, hoping she'd hitch a ride with me, and she said she was still at the party and that she'd see me at the club instead. Now, this girl and I always go together to the club and I'd bring her home 'cause we live pretty close to each other. I got quite sad about what she said so I chose not to reply. I found out later that night that she asked me where I was 30 minutes after. Now, please don't think I'm an alcoholic or a druggie because I'm not (I only drink on weekends and I don't get wasted out of my mind), but that night, since I was feeling pretty bummed, I decided to join my friends who drank strong beer, then we all took half a pill that's supposed to make you feel loose, and smoked a little something before I went to the club. I wanted to get my mind off of her for a little while out of frustration cause I knew she was at some party where she could meet some guys and get drunk and do whatever there. All of my friends and I were looking for her for the rest of the night, telling her to come already, but she arrived 2 hours after we got there. When she got there with her best friend, I was pretty buzzed but not too buzzed to not know what I was doing anymore. She hugged me when I saw her and she seemed pretty tipsy, too. That night at the club was one of those themed nights (a hotdog party - ironically, it's a gay night where they play super gay music which is fun) that her friends from her industry would host so she knows tons of people there and she was socializing with them most of the time. She also took the mic at one point and was singing along to the music but I swear, she was looking at me (or our group at least) when she was doing so 'cause she was down by the crowd and me and the rest of our friends were by the balcony upstairs and she was looking our way and I was the only one who was really watching her anyway. When her best friend left, that's when she stayed with our group. I had my hands on her waist again and I even put it in her pocket lol, but I couldn't really tell if she was trying to remove it at one point but she just stopped trying. Then, I gave a little kiss on her shoulder and I think our common guy friend who we think is gay caught me doing that. Later that night, when we were both beside him, me on the right and her on the left, he tried pushing our heads closer to each other to kiss I guess and I backed off cause I know how awkward that would be if I did actually kiss her in front of everyone. I couldn't exactly remember or maybe I just didn't notice what she did but that was a very awkward for me. I couldn't remember what happened after, exactly, to be honest. But a few moments after, she hugged our guy friend and I tried to hug her too but she backed off. I got hurt. I decided not to touch her for a while but when we bought food nearby, she offered me some. We left shortly afterwards and I had my hand on her back and was caressing it but she didn't seem to mind.

On the trip home, we had a cute little moment. We bought fries at a McDonald's drive thru but I dropped mine. When we stopped to drop our friend off, I cleaned the car and she saw that I dropped it and offered me some. I told her I was fine and didn't want anymore but she insisted and dropped hers, too. We laughed for a while and we headed home. On the way home, I asked about her recent trip and she told me about it and mentioned that the tour guide was cute. That hurt me a bit but I knew she didn't get to talk to him anyway so it was fine. LOL. I dropped her off and she called me "girl" and out here, if you call people that it means you're friends. IDK. Maybe I'm reading too much into that. Anyway, it's been days and we haven't talked or messaged since. I really want to be able to talk to her more often but she just doesn't reply sometimes and I honestly don't know what to say because truthfully, this girl is surprisingly the most intelligent person I know. I say surprisingly 'cause her personality is so out there and she seems like all she knows about is fashion (she works in the fashion industry) and what not but she is one hell of a writer and has the most brilliant mind and is veryyyy witty so I'm really intimidated by her and I don't know what she'd think if I say the wrong things.

Also, I forgot to mention before that this girl never had a boyfriend or any type of relationship before. She hasn't kissed anyone or been romantically involved with anyone before. I have and I was with two guys before. Never with a girl but there were a few women who I definitely had feelings for but no one knew about that. During one of our casual conversations with friends, one of our friends asked her what her type was since they were trying to look for someone for her and she was like "Whatever. I really have no type." and they jokingly asked her if she'd be okay if she'd be paired with a girl and maybe she was just playing along but she said "probably". In another instance, I overheard her talking to one of our common gay guy friends also teased her that maybe she's into girls 'cause she hasn't been with anyone yet. I didn't notice her reaction because that conversation took me aback and thoughts just kept running in my head that I didn't have time to look where they were to see how she reacted. Also, in our recent trip together, our friend was joking about how some of the people we know from their high school used to be her "frenemies" and that they would tease her that she was a lesbian or a tomboy. I'm sure it was because she was very into sports before - basketball, fencing, etc. Of course, you'd get teased for that in high school.

Plus, I've been listening to this song that features a lesbian couple in the video and it reminds me so much of us and I'm obsessed with it. Our common gay friend posted it on his wall and I commented on it saying how obsessed I am with it. One of our friends said she liked it too and then the girl I like just commented on it as well with a simple heart. Here I am, hoping that she feels exactly how I feel whenever I hear that song and watch its video. Ugh.

So, what are your thoughts, guys? What should I do now? Everything's just so fucking complicated now. Ugh. Am I reading too much into everything? Any tips?

---------- Post added 2nd Feb 2015 at 05:27 AM ----------

I know it seems like we drink a lot but we don't. She barely drinks when we go out, maybe a bottle or two, and I've been trying not to drink as much too 'cause I've been trying to think about my actions properly and be cautious when I'm with her, most especially when I found out that my feelings for her were the real deal already. It's just a sad thing that the only place we feel comfortable with each other is as this club 'cause everyone's busy meeting everyone else and it feels like when we're there, no one notices that we're actually that physically close to each other.

I honestly would like to compliment her as often as possible but I don't know if she'd feel comfortable about it and I don't know exactly how to compliment her 'cause all that's going through my head is how perfect this girl is and how much I want to be with her.

The girl works in an industry filled with gay people so I guess she doesn't really mind gay couples. We saw a lesbian couple having dinner at one of the spots we went to and our friend noticed how long it took them to eat and she was like "Leave them be, it's because they're lesbians." I don't know exactly what that meant or why she had to point out that they're gay but I'm sure it wasn't meant to be offensive or whatever. My friends and I also talked about some random celebrities during that trip at some point and how they were related to each other, I think that was Demi Moore and Mandy Moore, and she jokingly said that what if they were actually lesbian lovers 'cause they had the same last name. LOL. I was lying next to her when we were talking about that. Man, just thinking about that moment we were lying next to each other is making my heart melt. She snuggled with me at one point and then we were laughing so hard while we were making fun of our friend that she had both her legs over mine at another point for some weird reason. Ugh. If only she knew how much that drove me insane. Also, as I mentioned in my post above, I don't know if she was serious about it or just playing along with my friend's joke but she said she was okay with being with a girl?

 

You don't know how difficult it is to ask this girl out. I've been trying but she is just either too busy or she doesn't really want to. We'd have plans but she'd cancel last minute. She's one busy person and her schedule is never definite. I honestly don't know what to do to make her know how much I'm into her without telling her outright and I don't want to do that, not until I'm sure that she wants me back. She is driving me fucking nuts.

 

Don't get me wrong. There are definitely times when I feel like there's not hope for me at all but there are moments when she does something that makes me think otherwise. Like for example, that time when I decided to ignore her during our recent trip, I could really tell she was seeking for my attention afterwards. She stayed close to me and when my friends and I were about to leave the hotel we were at, she and our gay friend were already by the staircase a floor down and I was still upstairs cause putting my shoes on, I heard her ask him out loud where I was and she said that she misses me. I mean, seriously, I was just beside her minutes before that happened? Then the next day when I stupidly tried to ignore her again, she walked beside me and told me that she likes the color of my hair and that it's more noticeable under the sun (I haven't changed the color of my hair for months and I've been out in broad daylight with her before!) and she was playing with it while she was talking to me and I just thanked her and I know that was a stupid move. There are also times when I'd be standing beside her at the club and she'd randomly hug me out of nowhere. She doesn't do that to my other friends. I know this for a fact.

Also, please don't think we're only together when we're drunk and this happens because we're intoxicated and we aren't in our right minds. I know for sure that I'm completely aware of what's going on when we get handsy because I try not to get drunk when I'm with her because I'm afraid of what I might do when I completely lose control of what I'm doing and how I act when I'm around her, plus, she doesn't drink that much either, just a bottle of beer or two, when we're in the club so I know she knows what's happening too. There are definitely more than enough moments that we'd be touchy when we aren't in the club either. I mean, if spooning from time to time while we're on the same bed in the morning or in the afternoon doesn't make me think she likes me back somehow then I wouldn't be posting here to ask for your opinions. If she wasn't comfortable at all with what's been happening then she would probably say no to me outright already when I'd invite her to go out. And, as I said, I'm the only one in our circle of friends that she gets very touchy with.

I've done a lot of thinking these past few days and I believe she just doesn't know what's going on either. She's never been in a relationship before but I have (although these relationships were with guys) and I do know how it feels to be touched by someone and feel something there. I'm probably the first person who has held her like that in her life and she might not be sure what to make of it. It's an odd thing for me too because I'm not out yet and I feel like I have to be careful with how I act but I can't deny that there's something there. I don't know. I might be going insane.

 

Well, for those still interested in the stupid and utterly confusing shit that I'm going through with this girl... Here it goes...

I saw her again last Friday. There was an art fair over the weekend that a friend of mine was part of and I knew that my friend was friends with her friend too so I decided to invite her to the event that night. I asked her if she's been to the fair and she told me that she hasn't but she told me she was planning to go on Saturday and she invited me. I told her I was planning to go that night with our common gay friend since I had to be somewhere over the weekend and I couldn't go any other day aside from Friday. She told me she'd go with me if she finishes with work early, that she wouldn't mind going again the next day, and to tell her what my plans were for the night and to keep in touch. I told her that me and my gay friend were planning to go to our usual weekend hang out place afterwards. She told me she was game to go there too. Anyway, I ended up not going to the art fair cause I had to work late and run some errands after. Later that night, just when I was about to let her know that I didn't go to the fair anymore, she asked me what my plans were. I told her that I skipped it and that we're heading to our friend's place then to our usual spot later that night. She was like "okay, I'll see you later. I have wine." I told her I'd see her and that I'd pick her up later that night.

When I picked her up, she opened the wine bottle and started drinking. By the time we got to our friend's place, she was pretty buzzed already but she said that she was okay. I was totally sane the whole night just in case you were wondering. She started being her usual funny self and doing some random stuff like taking selfies and snaps and what not with our gay friend. There was one point when our friend was taking selfies with me and she decided to join and leaned really close to me. I put my arm around her and she didn't seem to mind. While waiting for our other friends to get ready, I decided to chill on the bed with our gay friend while playing with our friend's pet and the girl I like joined us. She lay down close to me. I decided to take advantage of that and put my arm around her again and still she didn't mind. In fact, I felt like she was moving closer towards me. Anyway, a few minutes after, our other friend started talking about this bartender who I found cute and talked to a couple of times and she asked us who that guy was. I told her she saw him already before 'casue he was introduced to me and she was there when it happened. After that conversation, we decided to leave.

When we arrived at our hangout spot, I tried touching her and hugging her and putting my arms around her waist as usual and she'd flinch at times, more than she would before. She told me not to because what she's wearing is prone to a nip slip. I mean, that was true 'cause it's happened to her before (lol) but then she oddly seemed like she didn't want to be touched by me that night. There were times when I'd touch her again and she wouldn't mind, too. She also put her hand around my shoulder at one point of the night and I decided to turn around and go closer to her to give her shoulder a subtle kiss. I don't know if she noticed that but whatever... Later that night, my other friends started talking about the bartender since they thought he was cute too and invited everyone to go where he was to flirt with him. The girl I like was like "go!" and I just laughed but we all ended up going cause we were bored. My friends approached the guy but I was just seated beside her and I didn't approach him at all. She was seated beside our gay friend too and she was hugging him 'cause she was feeling cold. When he stood up, she told me she was feeling cold. I decided to put my arm around her and rubbed her arm to make her feel better. She didn't flinch and let me do what I was doing but when I removed my hand she called our friend to sit beside her again and so he did and she hugged him again. Minutes after, one of my friends who was in the same place told me to go down to where she was and I just pat the leg of the girl I like and I stood up and went to see my other friend. Surprisingly, the bartender went down too and we talked for a bit. I don't know but I think it seemed like my friends thought he was following me 'cause one of them stepped out afterwards and was looking for me from the balcony. Honestly, I just find this guy cute and nothing more 'cause right now, I only want this girl. Anyway, minutes after, I saw the girl I like and the rest of our group go down and she seemed like she was looking for me or maybe I was just hoping that she was looking for me... I saw them step outside and she texted me telling me they were outside and she called my phone, too. I stepped out a little bit after and we all had some chit chat and decided to leave the place for a meal.

When headed home, it was just me and her again in the car. I just kept silent 'cause I didn't know what to say anymore or how I was feeling that night 'cause she got me soooooooooooo confused again. I looked at her a couple of times to check if she passed out which she happens from time to time but she was wide awake. Now, this girl doesn't look at me while I'm driving, I know that for a fact but that night, she did. I saw her looking at me for a couple of seconds. I wasn't looking at her, my eyes were on the road but I knew she was looking at me and I had a mini heart attack. (I don't know what made her do that but I'm thinking she might have given that some thought because of the music video/song I was talking about which featured a lesbian couple driving in a car and shit. I mean, she tweeted the music video/song too and said that it was beautiful so I know she's seen it before. I hope it was that 'cause if it is then that must mean something to her at least.). I decided to ask her about the trip to Europe she's been planning (some of her close friends who are my friends too live there) and when she's planning on going. She's been inviting me to go with her since we started talking about it and I told her before that I wasn't too sure. This was the only time I actually asked her about it and expressed my interest. She told me that we should go and I asked her when but for some reason that conversation was cut short and there was silence. She then told me that she wish she could get free tickets to this festival our group was hoping to attend and I just smiled. I was surprised that she said that 'cause she'd talk about giving free tickets to my friends for some events in the past but she never offered some to me before. Then, she randomly asked me to take a selfie with her so I did and I gave a weird giggle afterwards. LOL. She then sent it to our friend who lives in Spain and she told me that she says hi. When we were near her place, we started talking about the trip to Europe again and told me that she was planning on going this July (my birth month) or some other month. I told her that I was thinking about it 'cause I'm supposed to get some money at around September this year for my retention pay and that I might be able to buy a ticket if I get the money. She seemed amazed at how my retention pay works and told me not to leave my company. By the time she said that, we were right in front of her building already. After that, we said our goodbyes and it pretty much ended at that conversation. I haven't talked to her since.

I don't know. I'm so confused already. She's been tweeting about guys recently like about this celebrity she's in love with and about this account about hot guys who read (she's a huge bookworm) and she says she's straight but those moments between us make me think otherwise. I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW ANYMORE. My heart is tired and I just want to stop thinking about her but I can't...............