I wonder if others have had the same feelings. I'm out to some friends, but I still feel a lot of shame and embarrassment about my sexuality when the subject comes up. One of the things that I've found particularly hard to get past are the words themselves, "gay" and "lesbian." I grew up in a somewhat homophobic area and time period and the words always meant something was wrong, or stupid. Dirty or ill. I have a very hard time using them in reference to myself and might just clam up or otherwise choke on them. How can I start to feel at ease and bring a more positive light to these words, when even in my liberal town with my liberal friends people still make jokes or chuckle at the terms "gay" and "lesbian"?
For me, using the words myself makes me more comfortable with it. Making the words MINE, if that makes any sense. I used to be kindof uncomfortable saying some words relating to my gender/sexuality, but using those words, owning them, made me much more confortable
I've noticed in myself a negative reaction to PDA when other gay guys do it sometimes. I think I internalized some homophobia when I spent a lot of time around the wrong group of friends a few years ago. The experience was pretty damaging for me. I also noticed the other day that, when I was working on a college application and disclosing the information to illustrate how I'm adding to the diversity of the campus, it still felt awkward and a bit wrong to say that I'm gay. You're right. It still feels like a dirty word. I don't know how to change this emotional reaction in myself.
-you could make it clear for yourself that its not a choice, and that its neither your nor someone elses fault. Empty Closets - For Parents ->The credible scientific literature ... -I prefer the term lesbian, because to me it suggests something like wild and free and a proud heritage.. like amazon... -if you prefer the word gay, you could try to associate it with very positive and inspiring thoughts... freedom, self-determination, what you want... -you could use pictures, of rainbows and beautiful landscape, and think of this as gay... something natural, and beautiful... a few times a day... And, well humour helps. If people see it all too serious, you could make a joke... see the humorous side of it...
I'm nearly the same as u . I'm neutral to those words but i don't like them used on me. It feels like having piles of poo thrown at me. That's why i still don't come out and wonder if i'll be straight again someday. When people mention about lesbians casually i feel a little guilt and vulnerability burning inside me. It makes me thk they're discussing my secret. Maybe u can try finding LGBT people around u ? It's easier to adapt with like-minded people. U won't feel so alone.
Thank you for the responses, everyone. Seige- That is a good suggestion. I guess I need to push myself more to be able to say the words and speak openly. While I am out to my close friends I still feel very awkward if the subject of gay or lesbian people come up, even if unrelated to myself. I think it's a function of being in the closet so long, my instinct is still to hide. Andronas- I feel very similarly to you. I know I still have some internalized homophobia. I don't really care if other people display PDA but I still judge myself a lot. I grew up in the 80s and 90s and being gay was not nearly so embraced as it is now. It was at worst seen as a sickness or perversion and at best seen as a joke. I don't judge other gay people, I have had gay friends in the past, but for me it's like a double standard is applied. jay777- Thanks, those imagery exercises may be helpful. I'm a visual person and that's not a bad idea, to try to associate beautiful imagery and feelings with the words, rather than the shame that I feel now. I know it's not my "fault," I guess it still hurts a bit that I even have to consider that something could be at "fault," ie, it's not seen as natural and normal, when it should be. Blazer97- Yes, that's very much how I feel. I want to attend a PFLAG meeting to see if I can meet some other gay people there, but I likely won't have a chance for another month or so, they don't meet very often.
