Greetings. I thk i might be a lesbian. However, in my place, people thk lesbians don't exist. They probably thk it's just a mental illness or disorientation. I feel so different. People around me keep telling me i will grow out of it soon. I'm eighteen already. I would get awkward or nervous in front of attractive girls. And i know i would feel all those amazing things when i'm with a girl i like. I still feel outcast when my girl friends discuss about guys. To me they're just guys. Why are girls so excited about guys ? Why am i not ? I thk my mom suspects that i'm a lesbian because i'm kind of a tomboy. She would ask me questions and i would get annoyed and defensive about it. She obviously despise those stuff because my elder brother told me once she found an article about same-sex attraction in a magazine at home and tore it off . She didn't want me to be exposed to it. She also tried to make me girly. I'm quite athletic and this results in having muscles. I wonder if all asian moms want their daughters to be fair and soft smth like that ? But i'm totally the opposite. Sometimes i feel sorry for being my mom's daughter, i could never be a daughter she wish for. And because of this tomboy/lesbian issue, i never got along well with her. Her questions always comes with pressure. I can't tell her my true identity. This leads to my desire to further my studies somewhere away from home. A friend told me it could be just a mindset and i can change it. I would sometimes imagine myself with a red cross on my back. Feeling sorry that i exist. Feeling sorry because the world can only be categorized into females and males dressing normally, and normal hetero-marriage. I know i can always ignore this problem but it always comes back to me since 14, since i realized how different I am. I would get obsessed doing research about my sexuality. And carry the guilt almost everywhere. This problem sometimes engulfs me with negative thoughts and affects my daily life. I thought maybe some of ur advice can help me. Thanks a lotttt
Wow, that's harsh. I wish I could say more, but I think the best thing for me to help you with is finding out your sexuality. In order to do that, however, I must ask... When you say, just guys, do you mean you're not physically attracted to them? Remember, admitting somebody is attractive and getting aroused by them is totally different... In my opinion, you definitely seem to like girls, and it doesn't seem to me you like guys, though I don't know you in rl or anything so I can't decide these things for you, y'know? Not that I could tell what was going on in your head even if I met you irl. In regards to your mother, the best course of action seems to keep it on the downlow, at least until you move out. This doesn't mean you have to act how she wants you too, just try not to pick a fight. You're not in a relationship right now, so it'll be easier for you to deal with her... She sounds really homophobic. I'm sorry to hear it! You own your life, so you can't hide from her forever, but if you can't support yourself right now then it's best not to... add wood to her fire, y'know?
Hey Blazer97, I'm sorry the enviroment you are in isn't receptive. You are totally normal. You are free to love whoever you love, and do not let anyone tell you otherwise. It is totally ok to be LGBT. You said you want to study away from home. That's a great idea i think. Hugs (*hug*)
iiimee : Hmm.. yeah i understand. I just have to bear through this until i'm able to support myself. When i imagine getting close to guys i feel unnatural and weird, but i feel sweet and comfortable getting intimate with girls. Guys are like.. my frens who i can never feel smth for, whereas for girls there's always a little somethin'. Chiroptera : Okayy. Good to know that Thankyouuu.
You're welcome. We are here to help you Meanwhile, keep talking to us, here in the EC community it's a nice place to just "be yourself".
