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Bi-struggle.

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by bibiscuit, Feb 2, 2015.

  1. bibiscuit

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    Hi all,
    im nervous about posting this because im pretty ashamed of the dilemma. basically i have great problems staying faithful in a relationship, however loving it is. i don't know whether to attribute this to being bisexual or not, i just always end up looking elsewhere...for example to whichever gender i am not involved with.
    i'm a bi female i really love my gf and we are getting married, however i have also been 'fooling around' with a man that i work with.
    anyone that knows me knows my orientation, i'm not what you would call out & proud but i never hide it either.
    this thing with my colleague has been going on for a few months and is only really some very heavy flirtation, but i know its not right. i know i am definitely panicking about getting married (have never been good at commitment) but is this causing the desire to cheat or is it the other way round?
    feeling sad:help:
     
  2. Argentwing

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    I occasionally have the same problem with errant desires. However you have to weigh your urge to fool around against the love you have for your gf. Are you willing to give her up in order to satisfy that?

    I don't mean to make it sound accusatory as the answer may very well be yes. But the great curse of bisexuality is that it's extremely hard to have it both ways. If you want a long-term companion, you've got to make a choice.
     
  3. jay777

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    You might try to et more intimate with your girlfriend.
    Like really sharing on an intimate level.
    Dreams, wishes and fantasies... I'd say talk about it. Concerning your daily life, and concerning your sex life. You could talk about it really openly. Maybe you could think about roleplay...
    and maybe you could fulfill your desire to be with the other sex simply by attending courses... going to a sports club... just social events.

    hugs
     
  4. bibiscuit

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    hi and thanks so much to both of you. that was the first thread i have written on here and i really appreciate it that people do read and try to help.

    jay777 the great thing about the relationship my partner and i have is the ability to talk...deepest darkest things and also stupid things and yes intimate things along with intimacy itself. i know that lately i have completely cut out this communication channel as i have been struggling with depression and tend to shut down completely when this happens (have been experiencing depression for over 10 yrs now). i find it hard to hold people close when i don't even like myself. i had stopped being affectionate in any way whatsoever which prevents any intimacy. i think its a way of trying to protect myself.

    so i do recognise that this instantly becomes the most effective way to feel distant from my gf and i guess therefore maybe more likely to cheat...or less likely to care about what i am doing.

    this weekend we did have a big talk and got a lot of things on the table (altho not what i have shared here) and i decided i need to change my avoidant behaviour with her. im trying to bring affection back because we both need it. im trying not to let my depression get in the way of our feelings or communication altho obvs this is easier said than done.

    argentwing you didn't sound accusatory as i know exactly what u mean, and u summarised the need to make a choice perfectly. thank you x
     
  5. looking for me

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    Hi Bi-Biscuit, welcome to EC

    i was with my STBX for 25 years, communication was never great for either of us. i do suggest that you sit your GF down and have a sincere heart to heart about your fears, they are very real and need to be addressed or they will fester and grow way out of proportion. she may have similar fears and is afraid to speak with you about them for the same reasons that you have.

    just a thought based on experience.

    ---------- Post added 2nd Feb 2015 at 10:54 AM ----------

    have you considered seeing a counselor or therapist about your depression? getting a handle on that will help you enourmously weither you are in a relationship or not because you will always be in a relationship with your self.
     
  6. Argentwing

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    You're welcome, glad my advice helped some :slight_smile: And it sounds good that you are deciding to talk to her. The best part of being a couple is that you are a team and can work together on absolutely anything. You know that if she's willing to help you get through stray feelings like the ones you're having, it's for real. <3
     
  7. bibiscuit

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    lookingforme - thanks for ur msg.
    what is STBX?
    i have had a lot of counselling/therapy over the years along with medication. i am now currently only taking herbal remedies which is tougher but i prefer this approach. i have recently started using yet another psychotherapy type service, so perhaps this one will help.
    i do talk to my gf about my fears, in fact she knows a lot of them only too well, especially concerning intimacy, affection and commitment. she's quite sensitive and insecure herself a lot of the time though, and would take it really personally if she thought i wanted the opposite sex at any point :icon_redf
     
  8. RainbowBright

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    The cause of your straying is not bisexuality, given that there are tons of people who are bi who are faithful, and who don't feel any strong urge to be unfaithful either.

    It sounds though like you may be a person who has trouble with commitment. Maybe you have trouble trusting people. Or maybe you have a subconscious desire to self-sabotage - maybe you're used to chaos from childhood and anything safe feels uncomfortable so you have to mess it up? Or maybe you've just never found the right person for you. It could simply be that you're having cold feet about the wedding. Or maybe you have some issues you need to work out about something else, and it's coming out this way as a problem with personal relationships. If you're a person who feels difficulty committing to ANYTHING in life for a long period of time, like you move frequently, change jobs a lot, etc. etc. maybe you have a problem with impulse control for any number of reasons...

    Really, this could be caused by a lot of different issues. But rest assured, it is not caused by your sexuality. There is nothing about being attracted to both men and to women that makes a person unable to be faithful. However straight and bi and gay and pan people alike can be unfaithful, and that comes from other issues.

    PLEASE tell your fiancee, and DO NOT GET MARRIED until you have been honest and worked through these issues. I guarantee you, marriage always MAGNIFIES whatever problems you two start out with, it does not make any problems go away. She deserves to know, and you owe it to yourself to work out what is causing you to behave this way, and to doubt your commitment to monogamy with her in the first place that makes you want to behave this way. These are choices, and you have to take responsibility for yourself and figure out why you're making them. If you don't, you're going to be miserable in that marriage, and you're also going to make your wife miserable too. You can't hide problems in a marriage, as so many here can attest to. They only get bigger.
     
  9. jay777

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    I would presume soon to be ex...

    do you know the cause of your depressions ? Maybe you could find a way to handle this together, going together in some direction where things get better...

    and, well, you might talk about it here, maybe it helps... sometimes alone writing helps...

    concerning intimacy, we talked about a book... you might try this...

    and as you said, you might try to become more emotionally and in general intimate... sharing dreams, stories, fantasies... maybe doing things together you really like...
    its like taking the partnership to a new level, instead of looking elsewhere...

    and you might try a few methods like meditation... relaxation and breathing techniques... taking a few deep breaths regularly a few times a day, slowly inhaling and exhaling...
    most people breathe only shallow, this might even help let emotions flow...
    regular exercises, a few times a week, maybe jogging... walking... bycicling...swimming...

    and you might pick one or two ideas from here:
    Feeling

    hugs
     
    #9 jay777, Feb 3, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2015
  10. bibiscuit

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    thank you all and i guess yes the urge to stray is probably more to do with me as a person rather than being bisexual really. i attributed it to being bisexual because i always go for whichever gender i am not with at the time.
    its difficult. safety does feel uncomfortable for me, stupidly. i watched my parents marriage fall apart and that makes me wary of getting married.
    i don't think i should tell my gf though. i feel it would do more harm than good this close to the wedding. jay777 do u have an opinion on this?
     
  11. jay777

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    Well, my opinion...

    You say you love her.. and she should love you...

    you say she is somewhat insecure, and sensitive.
    The question is why do you want to marry ?

    Is it to allay insecurity ? That would be no good reason.

    If it is because you have a feeling you belong together, have deep feelings for each other and want to spend the next time with each other that would be good reasons. It should be a promise to stand together and make things work.

    As others said, you could talk about your insecurities, both of you, and work out how to deal with them and help each other.
    Really openly and honestly.
    As said, by really becoming intimate, for example sharing fantasies and dreams and building common experiences that really fulfill you both.

    As it seems the issues come not from being bi, I personally would concentrate on those issues, and talk about those.


    Do you change relationships because you try to feel valued by others ? By someone courting you ?

    There is nothing wrong with a flirt. But it should be a brief exchange, like I see you and like you.. nothing more...

    Your core value should come from within.
    Know that you are a nice and valuable human being. You are unique, and you try.
    Many people have issues with this. Upbringing usually does not help this.
    Try to have some love for yourself, see yourself with a forgiving eye, do some things that bring you passion.
    A hobby, whatever...

    You could tell your partner you would like to be valued. Exchange small gifts, tell each other what you like on yourselves.
    There are exercises for pairs dong this, like having a talk every week for a few minutes, stating what they really liked on their partner this week. But you can make it a habit and do it informally, just saying I like it when you smile this way... and she can reciprocate...

    hugs
     
    #11 jay777, Feb 3, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2015
  12. bibiscuit

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    i wrote a reply to this but my internet is playing up and in trying to post i lost it.

    so i will just say thanks to all -esp jay777- for ur help xxx