Essentially, to cut a very very long story short, today I came out to a guy who genuinely doesn't believe alternate sexual orientations are a thing, and I'm regretting it now. He thinks it's a mental problem, and after I told him, he said he'll try to fix my mind and get me out of my problem. Nothing I said could convince him that it isn't a problem. He kept asking how I know I'm lesbian if I've never been with a girl. I asked him how he knows he's not gay since he's never been with a guy and he kept saying that's different and he's not trying to be gay, and I said I'm not TRYING to be lesbian either, I just am. But he genuinely couldn't comprehend it. And he wasn't being judgmental at all, he was being kind of pitying, which is a reaction I've never faced. I've come out to a moderately homophobic person once before, but his reaction was along the lines of "fine whatever, just keep it to yourself when you're around me", which I can live with. He wasn't really ok with it but he kept that to himself. I've never come out to someone who thought I was having psychological issues and would try to fix them. I know the easy solution is just to avoid him but he's in my rowing club (which is how I know him) so I kind of see him every morning, and now that I've told him this, he's going to keep trying to "help" me so avoiding him just won't be easy and I don't want to make a scene in front of everyone. A problem I'm having with this is that he doesn't speak a great deal of english so we normally talk in Bengali, which I'm fairly fluent in (not being comfortable speaking in english isn't that uncommon here) but even so, it's still my second language and I can't explain things in bengali as well as I'd be able to in English. I've made my basic points clear: it's not a problem that needs fixing, I don't WANT it to be fixed, he and I have different ideas of what is "normal". But I can't express things as clearly as I could if it was in English. How do I deal with a situation like this?
I am not sure what being out is like where you are in the world, so I am unsure of the level of acceptability, resources, or legal status of homosexuality or other identities. You do need to distance yourself from this person. You know that what you are experiencing is not the problem, it is this other person who has the problem. Some people are very determined to fix us because society has conditioned us to think heterosexuality is a default setting in our system and homosexuality is a virus or a bug that can be fixed or managed. This is called heteronormativity. I would just be polite but distant. Avoid being in situations where it is just the two of you as it may spark private conversation. If a friend cannot accept you for who you are, then you need a new friend. As much as we hate cutting people our of out life, and have challenges when we see one another on a daily basis, it may come down to that. It is not good for your mental health to have people try to change or fix you when you are not broken. I worry about you second guessing yourself if the only environment you are surrounded in does not support you being all the things that makes you, you. Do you know of any allys you could hang out with? In your part of the world are there face-to-face support groups? I find being face-to-face with people to be a more satisfying connection than just relying on a forum. Whatever you have around you, definitely use it!
Being gay is not a choice, so its neither their nor your fault.. Empty Closets - For Parents ->The credible scientific literature ... He is in no position to contend contemporary psychology. Its a preference and cannot be changed. A change would lead to unhappiness, because that is not who you are. The times to live in such a way should be over. You might ask what the food is he most dislikes, and how he would react if you would want to fix that. And, well, you might say his trying to fix it is disrespectful. Or, as others have said, you might signal his interference is not asked for... hugs
I think maybe you answered your own question. He speaks mostly Bengali, and you speak mostly English. So since he does not need to be your friend simply because you're on the same rowing team, just refuse to speak to him in anything other than English, and only speak to him when other people are around. You don't have to make a big deal, but ignoring him should make it clear. You don't have to like everybody, and you don't have to be friends with everybody. If for some reason he starts causing scenes and getting aggressive, or speaking in Bengali to other rowing team members about you (don't know if there are others there who will understand him), then you should speak to a counselor or campus authorities, because he is harassing you and has mental problems. Your sexuality is not his concern, not in any way. And you do not owe anyone who is being rude or inappropriate to be their friend or to respond in any way, rowing team or not. If he is being inappropriate then it is HE who is causing the problem, and he can get kicked off the team if he takes it too far. His problem is not your problem. This is a pretty good lesson though, that you need to be careful about who you talk to about personal matters. You have every right to be out and open. But, not everybody is going to be cool with it, especially in a conservative area of the US (I read your location as Eastern Indiana but maybe I'm wrong and you meant India?), or when you're dealing with people who speak mostly Bengali. Oh, as I'm thinking about it, if you're in India and not on a US college campus then it my be a totally different situation. But still, I think most of what I'm saying probably applies, except that you may not get as much support from surrounding authorities. Anyway, you need to make it clear that you are not interested in discussing anything with him further, and that his opinion is not important to you and you're not interested in his "help.". If he can't take no for an answer, there is something wrong with him and he is mentally unstable, so it is best just to keep your distance and never be around him without other people there. Some people are just totally nuts, and they use homophobia and trying to control others as an outlet for their problems in their own life. Hope this situation gets better soon for you!
In this situation, you might have to accept that this is an area where the two of you will have to agree to disagree, and just try to shut down any conversation he starts about it. He will probably get the hint eventually.
