Wasn't really sure where to put this... So when I was 17, before I knew I was gay, my roommate in school told me she thought she was gay and had a massive crush on me. She was 4 years younger than me and generally a terrible roommate so I wasn't very nice to her. I acted all grossed out to her and my friends and tried to convince her that she wasn't gay. I feel guilty about it now of course and don't know if she's struggling with her sexuality now. I don't want to come out to her, but I've been feeling like I should reach out and try to fix my mistake... Idk what to do.
Hi. i don't know what you should do excatly but i wanted you to know that i was similarly a bit homophobic before i realised who i was. i guess i grew up a little bit sheltered and my parents didn't want to talk about anything to do with sexuality so i came to my own conclusion in my teens that anything outside of the norm was unnnatural. im so ashamed of it now! Even once i realised that it was not a fair or healthy viewpoint i sort of continued to carry it around, perhaps because i didn't want to stop and question my own orientation, to check if it fitted in ok. luckily only a couple of fairly minor incidents ever came about as a result of my attitude, and now i am very careful what i say to people. i am openly bi and in a same sex relationship which is great and im becoming more comfortable with who i am, but i always have niggling doubts as to whether its 'ok' or not and i very rarely attend pride events and such. anyway. i hope you don't beat yourself up too much about this. i think its a common reaction in young people if they think they have something to hide. are you in touch with this girl? did you part on bad terms? or could you extend a friendly hand just on social media, FB for example, and go from there.
I think that it may just be a matter of degree, but when we are in denial about our sexuality we all tend to display some amount of homophobia. Now that you are out to yourself, and realizing how you may have affected her, there's not doubt that the most healing thing you could do is to talk to her and apologize for anything that you may have done to hurt her. Coming out is a different issue, but I think that it would be a powerfully healing thing for her if you are able to find the strength to do that. Good luck!
I completely agree with Wildside. I appreciate that reaching out to her would be an incredibly difficult thing to do, but if you can, I think it might give you both some peace of mind.
What a wonderful thread! I first want to applaud you for having come across the other side in one piece and wanting to correct an ethical mistake you made in the past. It takes a lot of courage to do that, and I wanted to acknowledge that. I think that most of us proceed through a period of questioning and shame, and during this time we tend to have a reaction formation, which is "I don't want others to think I'm gay, so the best way to hide is to come out on the attack." This is exactly what I did, although I wasn't vicious about it. However, I committed the exact same microaggressions that bring me down even now: acting disgusted at men for being "campy" or "stereotypical." I think it's important to recognize that for what it was, which was just "I am trying to hide." From the standpoint that you now have, which is being bisexual and being okay with that, I would say if you have the opportunity to correct the wrong, by all means, I encourage you to do it. If not, it's not the worst missed opportunity in the world. The important thing is to be as visible as you can (meaning, be out and stay out) so that other closeted people around you will feel a little bit safer knowing that at least you're there. Adrienne
I used to be a little transphobic before I accepted myself as being trans... I think it is fairly common among LGBT people as a whole. I think you should apologize to her if you can. And letting her know you are gay is probably a good thing to consider too.
