Recently accepted(+repressed) boy side. There's a five yr old boy in my brain.

I didn't quite know how to sum what's going on in the title so I'm sorry if this is confusing, but I would really appreciate anyone's opinions they have to share. (thanks in advance)

I have recently come to terms with the fact that I am genderfluid. This is a great relief, but also it has unlocked flood gates in my mind that I was completely unaware of. (I have never been so vulnerable in my life.)
I've realized that the male side of me has been knocked down, repressed, and abused more than I ever knew. (For example, as a child I was very androgynous innocently. People would ask what gender I was, a girl, and I was taught it was a negative thing to "fool" people into thinking I was male. Me being me raw and innocent, at first was excited and liked that I could pass for what I was already repressing.)

Another example would be when I was five,
I was with my older sister (about 10) playing pretend and I said I wanted to be a boy puppy like our dog. She, also being hurt by society, shot me down and said no, I can't be a boy puppy you have to be a girl one. I'm realizing now how this completely f**ked my brain up.

Discovering my male side has led to a landslide of unforeseen emotions. I've moved back home from college. (due to many worse issues than this)
I currently have to stay in my younger brother's room (he's 12) and I am constantly surrounded by basically, the childhood I never got to have in abundance. Comic books, legos, robots, even the school supplies he owns makes me want to vomit.
My 19 year old female side is fighting tooth and nail not to resent him or be cruel, but I used to. (That's not okay either) Now I have a further understanding why and it's some of the worst pain I've ever encountered. I feel like an absolute idiot for even writing this post but I don't know where else to go.

I just get really upset at myself for wanting to have things like toy swords or dinosaurs around me. Playing Zelda (as I did as a kid) is possibly my only safe out in front of anyone. I feel extremely unhealthy/scared for wanting to "binge" on things. I literally forced myself not to buy a blue toybox that was a treasure chest.
It's so hard to let your younger brother spend time with your father while this is going on when you just want to scream and demand their attention...
(I keep reminding myself of all the pain other kids/people have gone through and that I have to be strong for them)

I don't know what to type anymore. If anyone has any advice or suggestions please speak your mind. I'm sorry for the long post I haven't expressed this to anyone and it's scary and painful to do this. Thanks (*hug*)

 

Thank you for your response Arkemdis. I really appreciate it and this has taken a big weight off my chest...It's wonderful to have someone tell me this isn't even a big a deal as I'm making it out to be...Why can't people focus on important things like nature and art instead of creating a world were people are made to feel this uncomfortable in their own minds?

I've already planned on a counselor but I was terrified to share these things even with such a person...I don't like being pushed to be so weak to where I become irrational like this...Thank you for the support and making me feel like I'm not crazy or stupid...(I was just so scared I'd be making myself worse...)
I want to grow up just like you said, I want to help make the world safe and fun for the people who need it to be. Thank you so much...