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confrontation?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Sam2, Feb 3, 2015.

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  1. Sam2

    Sam2
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    So i've been in the looney bin for about 2 weeks now. and made some good advances. but my doc says I should confront people who have hurt me. I think this is a terrible idea. when it come to people making me hate my self. I have never showed anything but violence. But the doc says I should talk to my parents, talk to the kid i put in the hospital. talk to the guy (In prison) who broke my jaw. i think this is a terrible idea. because i know if they start actin all homophobic again, i'll flip. I honestly feel like the doc wants me to flip, then i have to stay here longer and pay him more.

    What does... well everyone on here think? should I try to confront the people who have hurt me? doc says it may give me closure. but i dont think it will. any advice is appreciated.
     
    #1 Sam2, Feb 3, 2015
  2. Andrew99

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    If you don't think it will give you closure then don't do it. He probably wants you to stay longer so he can get more money.
     
    #2 Andrew99, Feb 3, 2015
  3. pinkpanther

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    Ask him how is that going to help you and why does he think it's a good idea. If it makes sense to you then go on and talk to them.
     
    #3 pinkpanther, Feb 3, 2015
  4. kindy14

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    Yeah, see what his reasoning is, if it feels to far outside of your comfort zone, just tell him so. You need to stretch those boundaries, not break them.
     
    #4 kindy14, Feb 3, 2015
  5. Sam2

    Sam2
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    So i told him i would not speak to my parents. i just wasn't comfortable with it. He was okay with that. But i decided i should confront the man who i thought was my friend. till he broke my jaw.

    I talked to him in prison. he cried.... ALOT. he said that he had homosexual fantasy's and that he hated himself for it. and that i was "okay" with being gay, made him even angrier. I told him I wasn't okay with it at the time. and he just cried more. finally I realized he was a victim just like me. his parents were worse than mine( for me, very hard to believe, but i did come around). So, even tho still angry at him, tho still full of hatred, though still feeling victimized. I hugged him, and kissed him on the cheek, I forgave him and said "I hope you find your way"


    Honestly it did help. big time!

    It made me think a lot. maybe those who've hurt me, do to orientation are suffering like me. I'm am very confused. but at the same time happy
     
    #5 Sam2, Feb 4, 2015
  6. Filip

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    Glad to hear it helped! for the both of you, actually!

    So, yeah, as you found out: there is some peace to be gained from revisiting old trauma, sometimes.
    It can show you that you have grown and moved on, and sometimes that after all is said and done, those demons from your past were just people who messed up.

    It won't make the hurt and pain and anxiety and hate go away instantly. No amount of apologies can ever undo what happened. But it can allow you to accept that it happened and that it doesn't need to dominate the rest of your life.



    A word of caution, though: if you want to confront other people from your past, do also bear in mind that some of them might not react like this guy. Some might indeed still be homophobic assholes (or just regular assholes :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:)
    If that happens, forgiveness might not happen. But there is one other thing that you an do. Which is: ceeping your composure. If they spew homophobic shit, then you can just say "I'm sorry you feel that way. But I'm honestly not going to care", and walk away.

    That way, it was they who flipped, and you who kept your calm. You showed them that they no longer have power over you, and that you live life as you see fit. Nothing coming from their mouths can meaningfully harm you!

    Not quite the warm fuzzy feeling of forgiveness, but it is a way of moving on nonetheless. And there is a kind of cold, smug, satisfaction at seeing the face of someone trying to goad you into a reaction and getting nothing from you.



    In any case: do make sure to do this on your own speed. And don't hesitate to talk it through with other people or us. Having a plan in your head can make all the difference!
     
    #6 Filip, Feb 4, 2015
  7. Chip

    Chip
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    Sam, I continue to be inspired and appreciative of your progress and the steps you're taking to better yourself.

    Talking to people about ways they've wronged you can be very healing. Sometimes even if they won't own any of their role, just being able to say your piece gets it off of your chest. A good therapist will help you prepare, and help you be ready to face any possible outcome. I don't think your therapist or physician is simply trying to keep you in longer.

    On the homophobia issue: There's some pretty solid data that the overwhelming majority of vehemently homophobic people, particularly men, are, themselves, closeted gay guys. And what this guy said to you is pretty typical. It's awesome that he was willing to own what happened and his feelings... and that does certainly change your feelings, though you're under no obligation to forgive him, now or ever.

    You are doing an awesome job. Keep up the good work, and please keep in touch, and feel free to reach out any time you need help. That's what the community is for.
     
    #7 Chip, Feb 4, 2015
  8. kindy14

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    When you open your heart to the possibility that they are suffering, it is far easier to forgive and empathize.

    I am so glad you are trying to get healthy and stable. You really are an inspiration to me, and I hope I've been of some help.
     
    #8 kindy14, Feb 4, 2015
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