Before, I would always masturbate to things I saw in porn (gay porn specifically) if I wasn't in front of my computer. Now that I've stopped watching porn for a while, I find that my masturbatory fantasies don't involve much of gay porn anymore. However, I find that my masturbatory fantasies now involve the same kind of older men in porn, but instead of having a penis they have a vagina. They appear male on the outside, but have a vagina. Anyone have an idea of what's going on?
I'm not going to touch that one... but good job on avoiding porn. My fantasies sometimes spin off into weird places. I try not to over think them.
First, kudos for letting go of the porn. That's a really healthy step for you, and I know it's got to be difficult. As to what's happening, if I were to guess -- and this is just a guess -- I'd say that your conscious and unconscious are fighting with accepting attraction to guys. You've written before about pretty pervasive and compulsive thoughts, and about really resisting the idea that the attraction to men is authentic, and so it makes sense to me that if conscious and unconscious are "duking it out", this could be an unusual way in which the "bargaining' phase of the self-acceptance process (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance) is playing out. It might be worthwhile to try and actively fantasize about guys that had penises instead of vaginas. Be aware that if you do that, it may momentarily create anxiety or discomfort, because (if my theory is correct, which it may not be) it will effectively push beyond the bargaining phase. But if you find that you do that and it's poweffully arousing... you probably have your answer.
I don't know about the imagery you have been seeing … But there is a whole "no fap" movement on YouTube - about giving up fapping - seems like it can be a positive thing for a lot of people
I know right, as soon as I realized it I thought oh what the heck is going on. So much shit going on right now.
so maybe one of the benefits of stopping the porn is that now your imagination is kicking back in and giving you free shows at night. sounds like your subconscious is far more creative than the porn sites. I don't make too much of dreams, but lots of random stuff gets mixed up in them. you're lucky that you can remember your dreams. I rarely can. though I had a strange dream last night that I just remembered, as I'm typing here. My wife was saying how it seemed like I was trying to tell her something, and I was on the verge of coming out to her. my thigh and leg were up on the table naked. and I was feeling particularly gay. what do I make of that? definitely nothing sexual, but I think it just says that I am wanting to have an opportunity like that to come out to her. the thigh on the table was just random unrelated neurons firing, as far as I can tell.
I think you've probably identified something important. I think there's a TED talk on the effects of porn, there's of course also the NoFap subreddit, and "reboot" I think. There's "YourBrainOnPorn." At any rate, I'm not a psychologist or a urologist, so I don't want to comment too authoritatively on the methodology of studies and informal observations made on porn viewing. However I would say there is a lot of anecdotal evidence supporting the notion of porn addiction and erectile dysfunction in men. There's also a lot of sexual confusion sometimes, as straight men find themselves unable to get off to straight porn, and they require more radical fantasies, like bondage, force, or porn for other orientations. This leads to them questioning their orientation when they shouldn't be or thinking they have "kinks" when they don't. It's complicated, and I don't want to claim to be the all-knowing lady of these things. I do, however, think it's positive to be avoiding porn viewing, and I'm pretty sure Chip would back me here. Cheerfully, Adrienne
