I keep on typing and then deleting what I wrote because that is how much I don't know where to begin. I only know that I need advice of some sort. There are various things that I could talk about in this post, including how the course I'm on is leaving me stressed and tired; how I've considered leaving; how undecided I am about the future. But all of that is just waffle. The real question I have, I think, is this: Where does one draw the line between being extra sensitive, and experiencing emotions to the point of it actually being a problem? I ask because everything seems to have been building recently. During my first placement I cried more times than I can count. And now, in the three week break between placements, I find myself dreading to begin the second one. My motivation has severely decreased, and I cannot bear the thought of the next few weeks passing, and particularly, the looming deadlines for various bits of work. I'm at a crossroads in terms of deciding whether to stay or go, and if I left, what would I do next; and all of this make me feel like a tennis ball being batted from one side to the other as my mind keeps changing. It's all left me feeling a bit worthless and wondering if everything was just doomed from the start. But also, I'm so sick of wandering through life not feeling sure of things, and I'm so sick of fearing the future because I have no idea where I'm headed and how things will work out. I'm scared of being trapped in the life that I'm in, and I'm scared of what will happen if I change it. Most of all, I'm scared that this state of mind will end up pushing people away, particularly someone I care about a lot. I know she would never reject me for something like this but my negative thought patterns are projecting onto her and that makes me upset at my own lack of faith. I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm asking for really. I just needed to get all this stuff off my chest somehow. :S
I don't really have answers or advice to give, but here are some hugs (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) I can relate to feeling like you're wandering through life without being sure of anything. It's scary and disheartening. I've just started putting myself on a path that will bring a lot of change, and I don't know if it's the right choice, or if it'll even work out, or what it might lead to if it does work. But it's something I have to take a chance on, I think. I can't tell you if it would be best to stay with what your doing or make a change. But I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in feeling uncertain about life and the future. I hope that things will become clearer for you soon.(*hug*)
I get like this too at times. For me it's a combination of too many things to handle at the same time and a lack of a clear choice on many of them. I've learned the hard way that when I get into this state I make the worst decisions because I stop using good judgement. I can actually become a danger to my future wellbeing. When I recognize I'm starting to get like this I try and avoid making any important decisions until I have a chance to regroup.
im very sensitive myself and it hurts alot cuz like u i felt i was projecting it onto this one girl who i really really liked but shes gone now..three weeks i havent talked to her today and i miss her so much but it is what it is..i guess me just being me was too much for her..obviously makes me reflect inward thinking im just fuked up or sumthing but idk...i am who i am regardless...it does suk being a softy tho..glad to know atleast im not alone here **hugs**
Thank you for your responses. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who's been through this. (*hug*) to you guys as well. Apologies for bumping the thread, but can I please get a more specific answer to this question?
*cracks knuckles* I'll take a swing at this... To begin with, I believe you already know the answer you're looking for. It's easier to point out what is being emotionally aware and what is being emotionally paralyzed. I suspect you're having a difficult time with that area between the two extremes, which is understandable, it's tricky to pinpoint. If you're responding to something, that's fine and natural. It's when you feel overwhelmed and crushed, paralyzed too. You'll know when feeling is becoming a problem, because you won't be so focused on the feeling itself, but how the feeling has you feeling -- as confusing as that may sound. If you're always feeling pinned down, no matter what kind of emotion you experience, then that too is a problem. When your emotions stop guiding your thoughts and warning your heart, is when I'd say they've gone too far -- when they become problematic. Because it is at this point that, instead of using your emotions for yourself, you are doing whatever it takes to appease or vanquish how you feel. It shouldn't be like that. You may just be an emotionally sensitive person, and that's fine. It's not an easy type to be, but it is very beautiful really. You know the lengths of feelings, you understand and appreciate them, thus making you into a more effective and compassionate figure. But you have to be able to overcome them, when these sensations weigh you down, as generic and common as this sounds, it is true. Aside from therapy, you can look at what is making you respond the ways you do. Really look at somebody or a situation, and analyze it. When you find the triggering components, you can begin addressing and tackling them, and working towards getting through this. It isn't easy, and it isn't fun, but it does pay off. (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)
Ah, the waxed wings of Icarus. My partner and I just came back from a production of Swan Lake. I still have Tchaikovsky's wonderful Swan Theme bouncing around in my head; An epic struggle between good and evil with the players forever changing by the battle itself. Emotions do that. They take you to the most spectacular places but never the places you expected to go. The question isn't if you should stop flying ever higher but if the experience is worth the risk. Kaiser talks of being emotionally paralyzed and sure, that would be a bad thing, but if it comes down to a choice between being safe and having the experience of a lifetime... well, only you can decided that. :icon_wink
Thank you both. These are very helpful. Okay, let's try and sort this out. My sensitivity has developed over the last few years. Before then, I wasn't especially sensitive, at least not to this level, but over time I have become incredibly aware of emotional experiences. I have been told by people that I am visual in my emotional displays. I.e. if I am feeling something particular it is written throughout my body language and very, very obvious to the other person. Lately, I've become concerned that it's getting a little too unpredictable. During one of the last weeks of my placement, I carried tissues with me because I couldn't trust that I would't break down crying at some point during the day. I would think that I was fine, and then something would happen, and suddenly my mood would flip and I'd end up in tears. Since finishing the placement, it hasn't happened as much. But it has happened a little bit in the evenings when I have time for my thoughts to catch up to me. I'm not sure if I fully understand. Could you explain this in more detail? I have happier times as well. They have become a little more frequent since my placement finished. But they are still somewhat tempered by thoughts of the future, the next placement, what decisions I may or may not end up making...they're always in the back of my head. Sometimes I think it would be easier not to be so sensitive. I envy people who don't have to think so hard about these things. They just get on with life, they do what they need to do. In comparison, I end up scrutinising every decision I make, wondering if I've made the right choices, wondering if things will ever improve. I feel as though I'm always waiting to reach that moment in life when I feel like I've actually 'arrived' somewhere, i.e. a place where I actually want to be, as opposed to being stuck on this seemingly endless journey. Challenge accepted. There are two major areas in my life which I feel are lacking severely. Career: I have talked about this one somewhat already. I am on a course and have been pondering whether it would be better to leave, due to the negativity which has resulted from it. I have spent the last few months wondering whether I would eventually become capable of doing the job for real, and trying desperately to find some kind of value in it. Despite my effort, I still look towards the future with dread. By this point, people are starting to think about job applications, but I can't even think about applying let alone accepting a job because I don't know if I even want to do this. At the same time, I'm not sure what I would do if I chose to leave. It would make me feel like I failed in a huge way. Feelings which result from all this: Self doubt, lack of self belief, guilt, sadness, frustration, anger. Relationships I fear that I may come across like one of those whiny desperate people, but I am going to state this anyway: I really, really want a relationship. There is a girl who I love, a lot. More so than I've ever loved anyone else before. I would do anything to be with her. The thing is, I firstly don't know if I even have a shot at being with her in that way; but more importantly, our friendship is long distant, meaning that I barely get to see her at all. She was meant to come to London in December but wasn't able to because her job ended p changing all of her plans. Since then, she predicted the end of February but now it looks like that may not happen either. Again, it's not her fault, but at the same time it feels as though the world is trying to keep us apart. We send each other e-mails and handwritten letters, but there are times when I am desperate to see her in person, particularly when I'm feeling bad about everything else, and yet I can't have her here. I end up feeling jealous of those who have the ones they love close to them. My family and friends are scattered all over the world, but I would give anything to just have a group of people all in one place in the immediate vicinity. Some people are lucky because they fall for their next-door neighbour and fall into a relationship really easily. But me? No, of course I don't get that lucky. I fall for someone who's miles away, who I'm lucky if I get to see her for a whole evening every once in a while. The feelings which result from this: Longing, frustration, love, sadness, confusion. I'm sorry that this post ended up so long. I hope I didn't bore anyone with my ramblings.
Sure. To break it down as simply as possible... If you feel sad, it's okay to want to cry or grieve. But when all you do is cry or grieve, that's a problem, because you're wallowing in the problem instead of resolving it. You stop focusing so much on being sad, in this example, and focus on what that sadness makes you feel. Basically, if you aren't getting back into the game, you need to ask yourself, what's keeping me on the bench? Let me begin by saying, the fact you acknowledged all of that, and even went so far as to categorize how these situations make you feel, is already promising. As well as a fine example of using your emotional sensitivity in a productive way. I notice 'frustration' is in both brackets. That's pretty telling, but it makes sense in the grand scheme of things. Frustration is kind of like the parasite of emotions, because it clings to other ones, enhancing them greatly, especially sadness or anger. No wonder you feel exhausted -- this, with an emotional sensitivity, must have you a wreck! But you know that, and that is the first step to taking back some control! Secondly, you aren't alone. I, too, can be envious of folks, whom have somebody to be affectionate or close with. It's hard to shake that bitterness away, but by clinging to it, you only make yourself greatly bitter as opposed to slightly bitter. And I'm pretty friendless myself, surprisingly. Most everybody I know of, it's a very shallow or convenient connection. However, every blue moon, somebody comes along and makes life more appealing or interesting. It'll happen with you, too, I assure you. It just requires a little patience, and some strength to get through your situation, which will bring you to where you need to be, to have a better shot at obtaining meaningful relationships. In the meantime, continue to focus on you. You're too clever to just roll over, I say.
Fear. I was told, actually by the girl I love, to make sure that I didn't make any decisions out of fear. Which I fully agree with, because that can result in a poorly thought through decision. However, at this moment, it means I am struggling to make any kind of move at all. Regarding the whole stay vs leave thing, at the moment I am making the passive choice of continuing because I am terrified of the consequences of leaving. However, I'm also terrified of what will happen if I stay. The uncertainty of not knowing which way I'll end up going is unsettling. I'm not used to being torn this cleanly in half. It feels as though either decision will have severe consequences and I'm not sure which one will ultimately lead me to happiness. But how do I shake that bitterness? Once again, I quote the girl I love: 'You're too sweet to let bitterness enter your life.' I hate the thought that it has, or that such a thing might make me a worse person. So far it has not manifested in any way except to be privately frustrated. But I would hate if I actually started to believe in it (Currently I am thankfully very aware that it's irrational). I know that nothing good will come of feeling that way about people/life/whatever, and yet I can't seem to help it sometimes. Here's the thing: The girl I love is exactly that person. She came into my life about a year ago and became the best thing that ever happened to me. The only issue is distance. It feels like a bit of a joke that life should torment me in this way - by giving me a taste of that kind of incredible friendship, but at the same time trialling me with the fact of not being able to be truly close to her. And that's partly where the bitterness comes in - when I see others who have that, but there is no trial for them, just a really great friendship. It doesn't seem fair at all.
