I joined here some time back, but now I'm really wanting some support. For a long time now I've considered myself bisexual. The reason being is that I just saw men equally as attractive as men, and even found myself obsessing over certain guys. I've yet to have sexual intercourse with a man, but I have made out with a few in the past, and I enjoyed it equally as much as making out with a girl. But as time has gone on, I've been wondering to myself; am I simply declaring myself 'bisexual' because I'm scared to admit I'm gay? Allow me to explain. Growing up I kinda had a little big of pressure from my parents, the usual "I hope to be a grandparent" etc, etc. But during my teenage years, I was never too bothered about having a girlfriend. I was too busy enjoying life and going to school/college. Sure, I did have girls who would ask me out, but I turned them down every time. I just figured I wasn't interested, and wanted to do other things without having to worry about a relationship. However, I always wanted that 'guy' friend, and it wasn't til recently that I thought about this, and maybe it was a crush that I didn't realize I had. I was never bothered about hanging out in big groups, but I did enjoy having that one male friend by me. During my teenage years, I tended to jump from one friend to another, and usually this was because I wasn't getting the secure friendship I wanted. Eventually they'd avoid me because I was too clingy. For example, I met one friend who I was friends with for a few years (around when I was 16 to around 19). He wanted to meet a girl, and I just wasn't interested. Then he eventually met someone, and I was just.... jealous. Not that he had a girlfriend, but because he wasn't with me and spent most of his time with her. You could even say I was really upset. Regardless, I tried to move on. We still remained friends, but not as close as we used to be. Eventually I went out with a girl who liked me, but I didn't really like her back. I had no idea what to do in a relationship, so I was clueless on where to start. So as you've probably guessed, it didn't last long. I do like girls. I do find them attractive, and have had sex with girls that admittedly I enjoyed. I watch heterosexual porn, but I also watch gay porn. But when I think of something long term, and think of my future, I just don't see me with a girl. I freeze up and avoid any confrontation with a girl that I know wants to date me. I remember during college, a girl was trying to get with me, and despite the fact that she was a pretty girl, I just didn't want to get into a relationship with her. Yet when I get a crush on a guy, I imagine what a life would be like with them. When I cuddle and kiss guys, it feels right. So a few years back my friends came up to me and asked me if I was bisexual. I admitted I was, but when I look back, I get the feeling they actually wanted to ask if I was gay, but didn't want to intrude too much on my personal life, so they played it safe. So now I've told myself I'm bisexual. I like girls as much as I like boys. Yet, when it comes down to it... :icon_sad: I just don't know any more. I've tried reading other people's stories to see if they've ever been through the same thing as me, and I just don't know. Most people know what they are as they grow up, and usually in their teenage years. Yet I'm just not sure what I am. Is it normal to be wondering at the age of 23 whether I'm bi or gay? It's getting to the point where it's on my mind every day. I'm trying to dig into my thoughts and traits to see if I'm subconsciously denying myself. Yeah, I am scared of admitting my sexuality to everyone. My friends know, but my parents and other family members don't. I'm scared to tell them because I'm not even sure what I am myself, which is also why I haven't been in a relationship for years now. I don't want to meet a girl only to feel differently towards her, as much as I don't want to be with a guy in-case I still keep questioning myself. I guess... I just want any advice, anyone who may have similar stories to tell. I just feel so confused. I want to be honest with everyone, but I can't if I don't even know myself. Thanks for reading all the same. ---------- Post added 6th Feb 2015 at 12:28 AM ---------- I also need to add that I actually have a crush on a guy at the moment, but unfortunately he's straight. He's fully aware of how I feel, but obviously the feelings aren't mutual. ---------- Post added 6th Feb 2015 at 12:35 AM ---------- Sorry, also just realized this may be in the wrong forum section.
My story is similar to yours. I was very close to my older brother. My dad was gone most of the time so my brother was like a father to me. He died when I was nine. I spent most of my time afterward looking for a male friend to replace him. By the time I was twelve I concluded I was going to grow up being gay. I tried to ignore the feeling and put it off as a "problem" to be dealt with later. As I moved through my teens I felt a similar desire to be with girls that other boys my age had but the need to have a guy in my life overwhelmed my faltering attempts at dating them. When I was 22 I went into counseling and they concluded that I was straight. I thought I would be happy about it but it just didn't feel right. I felt nothing beyond a sexual attraction for women. Meanwhile I bonded very well with my male roommates. I found myself growing increasingly attracted to masculine men. Then I met the most amazing guy who I admired greatly and we became very close. I think he was attracted to me as much as I was to him but we stupidly never came out to each other. He wanted kids very badly, met a girl and shortly thereafter married her. I couldn't believe how devastated I was. I had never been in love before and the years of suppressed feelings kept me from realizing that I had fallen in love with him until it was too late. I Went into a massive depression and came very close to committing suicide. This time the therapist helped me accept my homosexuality. At 31 I had my first real gay sex encounter and it felt very natural. But shortly afterward my attraction to women soared to new heights. I was very confused. I met a girl who said she was lesbian but her best friend told me she had a straight side that she didn't like to talk about. I was very attracted to her but kept it to myself. We became close friends as I went on some adventures with male relationships and my sexual feelings for her subsided. Then she had an affair with a guy for a short time and finally came out as bi. I happened to be between guys at the time and now that her orientation was in the open my desire for her returned. But since we were friends it was very awkward bringing it up to her. She turned me down at first which hurt a lot but then changed her mind and we went on a romance that lasted about 18 months. It felt strange being truly straight but I loved being with her. I would have stayed but she was never really into me that much and went back to dating women. I never found another woman that interested me after her and have been with men ever since. So my conclusion is that we are all unique in our own way. Did my brothers death influence my desires for men later in life? Probably, but what is the point in debating it? I have the right to determine what I am, to feel what I feel, to love who I love, and to do so without any qualifications, explainations, or substitutions. I don't care if society has a problem defining me, I no more feel the need to justify my orientation, relationships, marriage, or whatever than any 100% straight guy does and I will not allow anyone to question the validity of my family or my friends in any way. I do understand your being troubled by your confusion right now, I really do, but I think you will find that if you stand up for yourself in the face of all that confusion, it can do you a lot of good.
You can be all what you said and still be bisexual, it just means you're more, largely, inclined towards men than women in a romantic sense.
hi of course u can still be wondering about your orientation at the age of 23, especially when attraction is such a fluid and often changeable thing, as seen in your own story, and in the replies here too. also i am 34 and still wondering! the change i am trying to make however is not to worry about it. wonder about it? yes. worry? no. i've said this a few times on here already (even though im a fairly new member) - but i personally find it liberating to reject the endless labels that people will try and tag you with. its not about putting ourselves in boxes, sexual orientation is more of a sliding scale. perhaps we find one point on the scale that we like. perhaps we move around it. have a look... ---------- Post added 6th Feb 2015 at 12:45 PM ---------- The Kinsey Institute - Kinsey Sexuality Rating Scale
