hello, my name doesn't matter but you can call me J. I am a genderqueer, bisexual poc living in NYC. I live with my mom, dad, and cat. I suffer from major depression and have been close to committing suicide on several occasions. I have came out to my parents recently and things have not been going well since. My father has zero interest in learning more about me. He does not care for my lifestyle or who I am. All that matters to him, as a hispanic man, is to walk proud and, as he always puts it: "Go into the ring and go through the punches". I tried painting my nails the other day. Today they approached me asking why and I told them I wanted to be pretty. They wouldn't listen and instead told me that my girlfriend is to blame. They then attacked me for my weight, telling me that I am like this because of the way I look. I took off my nail polish just now. My eyes hurt, my chest hurts, and my girlfriend is forcing me to do this. I don't want to do anything anymore. I'm confused. I just want to be happy and safe. I want people to like me who for I am. I do not know when I am going to commit suicide, but it will be soon. I don't know what else to do. Please help me.
J, I'm really sorry to hear about the problems you are having with your parents. When you are already depressed and struggling with despairing thoughts the last thing you need is for your parents to make things worse. I guess, in many ways, it feels like you are already in the 'ring' and the punches are coming from your Father and Mother? When you say your girlfriend is forcing you to do this, what do you mean? I'm not quite sure I understand. J, if you are feeling confused and you don't want to do anything anymore, is it the right time to be entertaining thoughts of doing something very final? Afterall, you know what you want.. to be happy, to be safe and to be liked for who you are. Even though you're not getting that at home, right now, have you ruled out the possibility of it ever happening in your life, ever? When you think of suicide, what would dying actually mean to you? Can you try to explain and maybe tell us about it. It's okay to talk about these things and we do care. Nobody will judge you here. I notice you are in NYC. If you really feel as though it's getting too much and you need someone to vent to, consider calling these people (it may help): About Samaritans NYC - The Samaritans
You've got your cat with you. I hope your cat gives you some comfort. Pet him, and give him a treat. Your cat accepts you as you are. So do we. So do most people in the world. It's hard not to focus on the negatives, especially when it's coming from the people who are supposed to love and protect you, your parents, and you are living at home. But there is hope, there is future for you. There is so much hope just because you have come out. They may never accept that, but you are who you are, and you will get to know a lot of people you will get to know who will love you, and who will become the family that you never had. This is probably the worst "ring" that you will ever be in, and you shouldn't have to go through this. But remember that it is not your fault. call that number in the previous post, and look for groups of people who will welcome you. Start planning what your future will look like. It is yours to dream of, and yours to make reality. We love you, and want you to be around for a long time! (&&&)
Yes, very much so. I have not met a person who has hurt me more than my parents. I'm sorry, I should clarify. I called my girlfriend after two very long and headache inducing arguements with my parents. I raised my voice and began sobbing, telling her that it wasn't fair and that I was going to throw away my makeup. She then grew very serious and demanded I come here for support. I don't know. I don't think I will. I don't deserve it. Dying to me means to no longer have to be in a ring anymore. I don't have to cry anymore. No more struggling, no more fake smiles. I can just end it and never have to disappoint anyone again. Thank you for the link. I will call them soon. Thank you for the kind words. It is very hard for me to believe it, but I am hoping it is true for me. Thank you.
Believe it, J. Things change, people move on, life is large and you will find your way, don't hesitate to call that number!
