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Feeling like the outsider

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by thesecretcat, Feb 8, 2015.

  1. thesecretcat

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    Recently in college I've started coming out as lesbian to my friends and everything has gone rather smoothly to start off with :grin:, however in recent months I've been feeling like the odd one out as it feels like there is no one of like mind who can relate with me and my feelings. It's kinda awkward too in college as guys flirt with me, which isn't really a problem, but it can lead to upset and anger :eusa_doh: any useful advice? :slight_smile: :slight_smile:
     
  2. Run91

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    first of all congrats because you have been able to come out with some friend!!

    I do not know if I got it right but..may it be because you feel the need to speak or relate with someone who has your same orientation?
    I dont wanna be misunderstood....friends are always great, or they would be friends, but...maybe when we are talking with someone like us is different.

    And about the guys flirting...if it doesnt bother you...well it s not your problem they will receive a "no thanks i am lesbian". :wink:
     
  3. thesecretcat

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    haha thanks for replying :slight_smile: and yea you've hit the nail on the head to be honest, I literally have no friends who share the same orientation/going through something similar (apart from one guy who is still in denial and is 'in the closet') and yea they're great friends but something feels missing and its really starting to make me feel isolated :frowning2: but I think I am very lucky to have a lot of support
    And about the flirting guys, some of them think I'm just making up and don't take it seriously hahaha :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  4. TJ

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    Hey don't get down on yourself. (*hug*) It's definitely important to feel like you're understood by someone who knows what you're going through. Honestly that's why a lot of people are on EC. It's really easy to get sad when you don't feel like you have that connection with anyone.

    As far as IRL goes - are you taking any steps to meet new people?
    Just being friendly in class, or smiling, and getting to know people can make a big difference, I think. You definitely increase your chances of meeting another lesbian to talk to when you expand your social network.

    You could also try the school/local Gay-Straight Alliance, or a similar organization.

    If you ever find that you don't have folks to talk to IRL, please hit us up. We're here. (*hug*)
     
  5. thesecretcat

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    thanks TJ, :slight_smile: this is really good advice and I'm thankful for it :slight_smile: Yea I do feel the need to expand my social network to be honest but it's just so awkward and kinda tricky seeming that in the area where I live is... really isolated from the outside world hahaha. But I think I should just be brave and try harder to find social organisations :slight_smile: again thanks for replying TJ :wink:
     
  6. sweetfemme90

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    What do you mean by lead to upset and anger? Who is angry, you, the guys, or both of you?
     
  7. thesecretcat

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    The guys normally, they get all defensive and say 'nah, you're not, you're just playing hard to get'. They sometimes act like I'm insulting them when I say I'm not interested, I know I'm not insulting them (I try to be very honest with them and tell them as it is) and I am very much against leading people on so I make a conscious effort not to give them the wrong idea, but they can get a bit immature. What I mean is, I just want to be friends but they want something more but as soon as they know I'm not interested, they don't want to know me. I can get irritated by it but I don't let it show because it will only make it worse. To be honest though, I can cope with it, just sometimes it can get ridiculous hahaha I hope this makes sense x
     
  8. lilstar04

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    why be irritated or angry at guys? They think your attractive and its true some girls do say they are gay or whatever but aren't. You have to understand for them. Forgive them for not wanting you to be gay since they like you so much. There is nothing to be upset about when they don't take you seriously. They will stop bothering you once they know you only point to one direction, so they either be your friend your or leave you alone. : )
     
  9. sweetfemme90

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    Oh those people. They are immature. I talked to a guy twice and he was pissed off for me not telling him I was gay within the first 5 minutes of meeting him. He told me that when men talk to women it's only because they are interested in dating you (and not the interesting conversation). It's unfortunate to hear that straight men will only talk to women for dating or sex purposes. However it says nothing about us as individuals, it only says a lot about them as individuals.

    The problem I find with interacting with the straight world is you never know what someone's intentions are. Some guys are nice and are simply just friendly people, while others are only interested in dating. While it's fine to chat people up and get to know them for dating purposes they have to know when to look elsewhere, I wouldn't waste my time pursuing a straight woman the same way it is unproductive to spend time pursuing a lesbian as a straight man. Other times I meet straight people who complain about gays waving our rainbow flags in their faces. So yeah, how do you know if you should tell someone immediately versus not advertising it?

    I understand the frustration of having to deal with these immature straight guys. They want us to state our intentions but never do they have to state theirs in fear of rejection. Dating strategies are so wonderfully complicated. For the guys who refuse to accept the truth you are gay, they will realize eventually they are wasting their time chasing after lesbians when they should be getting to know other people around them to increase their chances of meeting someone they would like to date or have intimate relations with.

    I personally never found a coping strategy for it, it deeply frustrates me.
     
  10. thesecretcat

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    Thanks for replying guys :slight_smile: I don't tend to find it irritating when they flirt with me, in fact I find it flattering! :slight_smile: However it's when they start becoming all pissy and moody when I say I'm not interested. I don't let them get too hopeful at an early stage because that would be unfair to do otherwise. Like sweetfemme90 says, they expect us to state our intentions within the first 5 minutes and (in my opinion) they have no right to know only after speaking to me once or twice.
    I must state that not all guys are like this and are generally awesome and cool with it :slight_smile: Just every now and then theres that one guy who are just frustrating
    Again thanks for the advice x