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Dad just learned about his son being gay

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by regular dad 99, Feb 12, 2015.

  1. regular dad 99

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    I am a straight dad whose son just came out to him last week. It was a little more complicated that I thought it would be. However, it wasn't being gay that was complicated, it was the fact that I didn't see it coming. Truly did not. For a few days I felt shocked like I didn't know who he was. I know that may sound weird, but that is how I felt. I imagine that some of you have had that experience with your parents. So, I am writing this because if you understand that part of the odd reactions may be because your parents are truly shocked. And, it is the fact that they feel almost embarrassed that they did not know this critical thing about you that is such a huge part of who you are. I wish the experience would have given me an answer for those of you about to tell your parents.

    With that said, I love my son and accept him as he is. Being gay is normal.

    Good luck.
     
  2. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    It's understandable why it was a shock at first, but I'm glad things went well. Good luck!
     
  3. Chip

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    Welcome, and it's great that you've taken the time to post here.

    For many parents, it is indeed a shock... either because it never entered their mind, or it never seemed possible because *their* child doesn't exhibit any of the stereotypes, or any of a dozen other reasons.

    And one of the hardest things to do is to just suddenly shift your whole paradigm of who your son it. For fathers in particular, it can be strong because for most of them, the first thought is "What did I do that caused this" or "I should have done more of _________". But of course, the truth is, none of those thoughts are accurate.

    Give yourself permission to be imperfect, to take time to adjust to it, to feel shitty, to cry or feel the sense of loss. When any of us process any sort of loss -- and this is definitely the loss of your perception that your son is straight -- there are stages we go through -- denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. It can take hours, weeks, months to go through these... it's different for everyone. But give yourself permission to take time to process everything. Your son will understand.

    How old is he? And how are you and he since he came out?
     
  4. Andrew99

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    Oh my family wasn't shocked at all when i came out last year. They'd known since I was 3. So 12 years now?
     
  5. Belle the Bee

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    I love it. My heart just got really happy. Being gay is normal.:icon_wink:kiss::icon_bigg
     
  6. lyjo

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    My dad was also really shocked when I came out. I really though he knew already. But hey tolerance works both ways, so I'll just be supportive while they get used to it XD
    You sound like a great dad btw. :grin:
     
  7. lostluvr

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    im sure ur son has some feelings of his own right now seeing that by telling u ur perception of him has been sortof shattered not nessesarily in a bad way but could be that he might be feeling alittle bad or guilty or sumthing..atleast thats how id feel seeing the look on my dads face of that sort of surprise..id say right now is a crucial time for the both of u..just be as supportive as u can u sound like ur doing ok with it it was just the initial shock..i remember when my guy best friend of highskool told me he was bi..i felt sortof bummed out he didnt like girls as much as i did..i mean we talked about them all the time..i couldnt help feeling like he was joking with me but he wasnt and so eventually it set in and it just felt normal..obviously i wasnt into men so i couldnt relate with him but we still were best friends and really who he was attracted to didnt seem to ever come up and when it did it was just how he felt so i was supportive..we just hung out like we normaly would lol..id say just take the time u need to process it all but dont forget that hes going thru a tough time as well.. :slight_smile: take care good luck
     
  8. greatwhale

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    Hey regular dad 99, welcome to EC!

    You are the first dad that I know of who has come here to share your experience of your child's coming out. That's pretty awesome!

    Good for you for accepting him as he is, and yeah, as a father myself with three adolescents (2 sons and a daughter) I am still processing the idea that they are sexual beings, let alone any consideration of their sexualities! It's part of our own growth as parents that there are deep currents in our own children that we can never see on our own, it is also particular to fathers, it seems, that we are the last to know about a lot of things.

    Modern life conspires to minimize our interactions with our own kids; we spend all of our working days apart from them, and we mostly interact at the end of the day or on weekends, usually on fairly superficial levels.

    Our culture just assumes heterosexuality, and parents are no different. Just remember that your kid will astonish you, and frequently. Just remember that your acceptance and unconditional love means more to him than you can imagine.